Too Soon
A 13-year-old girl lost her life yesterday because a man with the temperament of a rabies-inflicted dog lost his cool over his own stupid mistake.
Stop Rapping To Me
Yesterday Farouk Shami lost his bid to be the Democratic gubernatorial candidate after getting that ass handed to him by former Houston mayor Bill White.
With Shami knowing he was a heavy underdog in the race he made a last-minute decision to release this campaign song in the form of an ad.
In my head I picture some poor misguided soul telling Shami:
1. Rap
+
2. Ad
=
3. Youth (or probably just black) votes.
Whoever the mastermind of this advertisement is, I hope they enjoy their new life pushing KFC’s new boneless chicken filets.
I never thought Jay-Z killed auto-tune, but I definitely think Farouk just put another bullet in its already fledging appeal.
I’m not mad at the artist J. Xavier because a check is a check, but I hope he uses said check to pay for tuition because a successful career in rap seems about as likely as RuPaul posing in Playboy now.
You Sent It: “Patron & Brugal”
I suddenly have a greater appreciation for “Walk The Plank.”
I was sent “Patron & Brugal” over the weekend. My mouth instantly craved for Ciroc and Simply Lemonade after reading the title. But to be fair to the artist, William Haze, it might not be all his fault.
The only thing I know about Brugal is that a friend – who at the time I wanted to be more than a friend – had a Dominican boyfriend who left a bottle over that I’m assuming they shared. And before you ask no I wasn’t offered any. I’ll let you rate that on your personal shadeometer on your own time. But, basically I’m already left with a bad taste in my mouth without actually ever trying this brand of rum.
Wait, who am I kidding. Satan could piss Hennessy on me and I’ll be damned if I let that ruin that brown for me. I suppose the same can be said about any potentially good alcoholic beverage. Still, given that I’ve already had a bad introduction to Brugal I need a reason to give it another chance.
This song ain’t it, pimpin’.
I wish I could blame not knowing what in the hell William Haze is saying, but that’s not it. Half the time I never know what Gucci is talking about but I jig, get it big anyhow.
But the beat for this song is irritating as hell. It sounds like something they’ll play to death on LA radio. If you didn’t know already, most LA radio stations stick to Top 40 which means pop-heavy “rap” tracks like this nonsense will be played to death. Boom boom boom my ass.
Of all people to call Haze tapped MIMs? Anything with him on it tends to sober me up at the club. Do you all remember how much they played “This Is Why I’m Hot?” I wished frostbite on many a DJ. I don’t want to knock Fred Flintstone head’s hustle, so I’ll just say I hope he was compensated quite nicely for this track.
I’m going to guess that with the inclusion of MIMS on the track Haze intended to bring black and brown together under the love of various forms of Latino liquor. The “Ebony and Ivory” of club music, if you will. Unfortunately, this is the type of song that could start a race war.
Tensions are already high in certain regions of the country. Wack songs won’t do anything but further aggression. Maybe they should’ve called Pitbull and Plies for a track called “Dick and Doritos.” I’m sure that would’ve been better than this.
Maybe I’m going to have to find a Dominican to put me on game, but as of now the combination of a strong rum and tequila sounds like a battle royale in the belly. And this song, well, it seems like it’s only prepping you for the hangover sponsored headache that’s to come.
As much as I hate this song, I can already tell it will be blasted to death out in Cali and other parts of the country with similar demographics. Shame on everyone in advance.
I Need Answers
1. Was this performance a skit or did J.Lo mean to sound like a cat with throat cancer on purpose?
2. Although Wacka Flocka Flame might be telling the truth when he says he’s always reading, is it wrong to still think he talks like someone who only reads coloring books?
3. Why are people still denying Beyonce’s vocal ability in 2010?
4. Who else can’t wait until Alicia Keys goes back to soul light music?
5. As technologically breathtaking as it was did anyone else find themselves laughing while watching Avatar?
6. Toni Braxton still seems to be stuck on the sex kitten bit. Is she trying to be the Blanche Devereaux of R&B?
7. How much longer do we have to keep entertaining the Tea Party Movement?
8. Considering he’s about as hard as RuPaul with Melyssa Ford in his lap, isn’t it funny to see Omarion play a thug?
9. Is it safe to talk about how awful Wyclef has been sounding lately or do we still have to be polite and play deaf?
10. My mama has finally found me on Facebook. Has yours?
11. How did “How you doin’?” morph from a stereotypically way to call out gay men into daytime TV’s sweetest catch phrase?
12. Can the ground please stop moving?
13. Can the same be said of Quentin Tarantino’s tongue whenever he decides to start speaking in his “blaccent?”
14. Why won’t the mainstream press give black women a break?
15. Be honest: Have you been working on perfecting your Nicki Minaj impersonation, too?
16. How afraid should we all be about fast food restaurants now gleefully put huge posters that read “We accept EBT?”
17. Fellow Toyota customers, are you making this face, too?
18. Who else is over the cell phone pictures of celebrity crotches leaking to the Web fad?
19. When is the last time you’ve hit someone with the flex?
20. Are you happy that I’ve finally posted video evidence of me jiggin’?
Bonus: How did you discover The Cynical Ones? Just curious. =)
