I Like Nothing (Nothing) About Janet’s New Video

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You might not have been able to tell in recent years, but I am a huge Janet Jackson fan.

So much so that in the fourth grade I would regularly undo the top button of my jeans in celebration of her bold statements in fashion (pronounce fashion as “fah-shone” while reading please).

Yet, as most honest fans will tell you Janet’s music has been about as hot as the smallest rib at a fourth of July barbecue.

I’m not even going to front like I continued to monetarily support her. I’m a fan, but I don’t reward nonsense. That $15 is two extra large Styrofoam bundles of rum-flavored joy at any area drive-thru daiquiri spot.”

If you had to choose between a bad album and a good drink or two with extra shots, what would you select?

But despite all of her commercial and critical failures I’ve held out hope for Janet to come back and give me something that reminds me of why I grew up idolizing her (and her dancer Omar, from the “If” and TLC’s “Creep” videos) so much back in the old decade.

This video is not helping my cause for holding out hope, though. My friend La, warmed me not to watch this but in the spirit of boredom and procrastination I casually clicked on the link anyway just to see what Janet is putting out into the world.

And now I’ve been punished for it.

Who in the hell is this? Was this made with Microsoft Paint? This video is so beneath Janet’s genius.

There are dancing schizophrenics on YouTube with more titillating videos out.

So many questions are running through my mind as I type this.

Who wrote the treatment for this video?

Who put her in that costume?

Why are the graphics in this video older than Janet herself?

Did she pay someone to do this to her?

If so, why would she do that? Is this a tax write-off?

Does she even still care to do this anymore?

I still believe in the power of Damita Jo like I do about the comeback of the butterfly, but this video ain’t it.

It’s not even a little bit of it. The song itself is kind of forgettable. It’s not bad or anything — just kind of there. It’s sort of like a watered down version of “Again.” Actually, I’d probably enjoy this song a lot more if I had never heard “Again.”

But given that they played that song to death when it initially dropped I’ll never be able to forget it. So the song is not bad, but “not bad” is not enough for someone who hasn’t had a major hit in ten years.

That’s the problem when your catalog of work is so impressive: If you’re not going to top yourself or at least match that wondrous level of artistry you’ve displayed for so long, all you’re going to do is piss off your fans when you throw out something that can easily be perceived as substandard.

Oh, Janet, I love you. This entry may not make you think that but I do.

It’s just that love, why won’t you stop working with your ex? JD is a dope producer and has such a gift for crafting a hit…only not with you. These two seemed great as a couple, but musically they have about as much chemistry as a Paula Deen and a salad.

Let’s pretend this video never happened and direct our attention to the next falling star, shall we?

As you were.

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