Video Round-Up

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In the midst of celebrating my birthday on Monday and doing loads and loads of work after I haven’t been able to break down every single video that’s come out recently. But last night I finally took the time to round a good 10 or so to review.

Do check it out below:

Toni Braxton: “Make My Heart”

Take one dance tune and sprinkle it with every cliche you can conceive in under 60 seconds and you have the video for Toni Braxton’s “Make My Heart.”

I’m all for supporting the gays, but this video’s sweetness level nearly rotted out the bottom half of my mouth. I think I’m classified as a “kid” which means in theory I should be salivating over this.

Whatever, put my ass up for adoption.

On a positive note, Toni Braxton looks fantastic and proves that 40 doesn’t mean you have to keel over and die. However, Toni Braxton has been trying to convince us of her sex appeal since the video for “You’re Making Me High.”

Ms. Braxton, we get it but what you don’t seem to get is your success has always lied with highlighting your voice, not the dance moves you learned on Dancing with the Stars. Dance moves that surely won’t be putting fear in the hearts of anyone but her choreographer’s reputation anyway.

I’ll give it to her, though: She’s definitely trying. So hard that she literally sweat out her hair during the shoot.

I actually like this song, but the money for this video could’ve been spent towards finding a safe that could properly store all of her recorded tracks. At this point it seems like some 30 songs of Toni’s have leaked. That should make her heart weep.

Toni Braxton: “Hands Tied”

This is better, but she just had to wrap herself around a pole, didn’t she? Mama, we get it. Now can you go back to telling us how many ways you love him instead of how many times you caused him to put a dent in his desk, in his car, and in you.

Drake: “Over”

I’ve always said Drake looks like the lovechild and feet and Captain Caveman. Today, though, I’d like to add another name to that list: Droopy the Dog. Meet hip-hop’s answer to Tia and Tamera Mowry, ya’ll.

As for the video, it’s pretty much like the single — underwhelming. I like the graphics at the beginning, but really this song just doesn’t do it for me. After a masterpiece of a mixtape and hype for well over a year one couldn’t help but expect to be blown away with the official first single from his official debut album.

But this ain’t cutting it, Droopy. I’m planning to spend money on you. I know you can do better.

Melanie Fiona: “Ay Yo”

This isn’t a bad video, but I’d like to encourage Melanie Fiona to give up on this debut and head back to the studio to record 90 new versions of “It Kills Me” before she kills the bit of hype she’s accumulated off that one hit. In the search to appear “universal” she’s just starting to look all over the place. After hearing her mixtape and watching her live I can say I wouldn’t mind copping her sophomore album the week it’s on sale, but if she waits too long that money might go towards a Chiptole burrito and margarita.

KFC: “Certain Death Without The Bread”

This little bitty might not be an actual music video, but dammit it’s a hit if I ever saw one. The hit might be the fatal blow to your heart, but a hit is a hit, ain’t it? Eat this shit if you want to. Tell me how much you loved it when I see you at the crossroads.

Maxwell: “Fist Full of Tears”

Confession: I’ve never been a huge Maxwell fan. I don’t dislike him, but I’ve always liked D’Angelo more. But, as soon as I found out he was coming back from his stay at Nevernever Land I got excited. Mainly because I’ve been in dying need of an R&B singer who actually sings R&B music without the mentioning of the club or ladies shoes.

This song isn’t my favorite and the video, while shot well, isn’t exactly sending my attention level soaring. Still, I’ll call this video a win. It beats the trite club scene and a big booty Brazilian any day.

Montana Church: “Going ATW”

So about a week ago someone left this a link to this on my Facebook page and noted that I’m known for giving honest feedback. Honestly, I hate when people hit me up about music like I have a connect but at the same time, I know how valuable Facebook can be and since I’m guilty of the same thing, I actually took the time to watch this video.

I’m not mad that I did.

I was thrown off when I found out these two were from Houston. Houston is the land of Slim Thug, Lil’ KeKe, Fat Pat, it’s not so far outside the city limit neighbors, UGK, Hawk, Paul Wall, Lil’ Flip, of course the late DJ Screw and on and on.

Basically: The Houston’s scene is normally hood as hell. As a Hiram Clarke native I say that with both a laugh and a sigh. A ha-sigh, if you will.

When I think of my city, I think, “Draped up and dripped out, know what I’m talking ’bout. 3 in the morning getting the gat out the stash spot.”

Not this.

That said, when I saw this video I couldn’t believe they were from the same city. That’s what I get for being too judgmental. I actually like their creativity and the fact that they’re not on the same style as everyone else. I like to tell people Houston is more diverse than people think. Now I have a new visual to make my case.

Two points for the duo. And no, I wasn’t paid to write nice things although as of this tax season I now encourage such offers.

Teairra Mari: “Daddy’s Home (Remix)”

First she had no daddy, now she can’t wait to cook her play daddy breakfast. I have good news and bad news for Teairra Mari. The good news is this video got over 3.8 million views. The bad news is interest in her upcoming album probably left the moment viewers finished ejaculating.

I don’t know who is responsible for this girl’s career, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find out they spent a couple of years living in Barbados.

Teairra Mari is cute, can sing, and again, is really really pretty. I’m sure many are taking comfort in the nice surprise about her nice ass. It’s just unfortunate that ass won’t do a damn thing to get her music career going. Sex only sells with a hit. She’s yet to get one. Singing about your bottom in the air will only get a person so far.

I hope daddy is paying rent.

P.S. Kick whoever wrote this remix in the nuts.

Lumidee: “Frontin'”

Like Teairra Mari’s “Daddy’s Home” clip, this teaser from the ghost of one hit wonders’ past is intended to get us all riled up about what’s to come next. Like Teairra Mari’s video, I’m still questioning why I’m supposed to give a damn.

Janelle Monae – “The ArchAndroid” Trailer

I adore Janelle, her voice, her energy, and love that she actually has something to say underneath all of her great energy and theatrics. Even if you don’t ‘get’ or even like what she’s doing, can we at least agree it’s not more of the same?

I hope so. Now really try to like her. I saw her a couple of weeks ago in LA and she was fantastic. The club was hotter than a summer house party in Satan’s den, but after I bought my overpriced water I was good.

Love her.

Bonus:

There are a couple of things I wouldn’t mind giving Chris Brown for his upcoming birthday, but I think I’ll start with media training and a speech coach. I’m selfless that way.

No, the interview wasn’t that bad, but can his people better prep him? There are vultures out to get him (Wait…I don’t count, do I?) so the least they could do is make sure he gives them less to work with.

Him saying he didn’t know what the Census was exactly isn’t that big a deal. A lot of people his age and above don’t. But he could’ve worded it better and flipped that into why he’s attached his name to this cause without sounding like he’s fielding for good press (which he is).

This is why they didn’t let Beyonce talk from 2005-Fall 2008.

Shoot, I didn’t know Rihanna could say more than three words until late last year.

Do your job, label.

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