Oh Joy, Another Banger for the Birds

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The last time I wrote about Plies a commenter by the name of “Mrs. Plies” acted as if she was ready to bash me over the head with her Uncle’s Pimp Cup after I dared to speak ill of Catfish Mouth’s new video.

Well, Mrs. Plies, I suggest you floss in advance that way you can suck your teeth for the next few minutes without finding any surprises.

What in the I miss MC Hammer hell is this? Who says things like, “I want to turn you into a spoiled brat?” And not just an occasional spoiled brat, Plies wants to turn his lucky lady into one “sebum dayz ah weak.” Why is he talking like that? Negro, we know you just started a college fund. Quit fronting.

Only 23 seconds into this video I’m tempted to turn it off. But I suppose I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

Wrong! It gets worse.

Soon after Plies is possessed by the spirit of Ja Rule because he starts singing like the swamp remix version of the Harlem Boys Choir. Rappers want to sing. Singers want to rap. Why can’t anyone stick to what they’re barely tolerable at anymore?

Then come the trite lyrics for a song we’ve already heard a million times before. You know, one of those tracks “for the ladies” that inspires a bunch of women to continue to throw out their coochie for commerce with the hopes that one day some man with enough clout to get on a gossip blog can scoop them off their feet and send them regular child support checks before dropping their ass back on the ground.

Or as Plies sells it buying you fancy clothes, big jewelry, and sending you tickets to places most people can’t even pronounce.

Because you can have whatever you like. Say, you can have whatever you like.

As big a fan I am of T.I. I hated that song, too.

Although most rappers end up living off of Red Lobster’s cheddar biscuits once they spend their heavily garnished royalty checks on their car lease, their jewelry rentals, and multiple two-piece combos for their crews.

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Are people not tired of being sold this ridiculous fantasy?

I guess not because I saw a lot of comments focused on how catchy the song is, how they can’t wait to lead a similar lifestyle and how attractive they find Plies to be.

It would be mean of me to wish for Mother Goose to scramble their eggs so I’ll just say bless your heart and your deductive reasoning.

In sum, I hate the song, hate the message, seen the video 120 times in the last five years already, and would love it if the world took a moratorium on trick anthems.

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