I Don’t Want To Hear You Rap, Chris

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Wait, I’m confused. Wasn’t Chris Brown complaining a few weeks ago about not wanting to become an underground mixtape artist? If that’s the case, why is his answer to that claim releasing yet another mixtape? This is the equivalent of saying I don’t want to eat swine anymore, but let me order a three-way of Petunia and Porky Pig plus Babe on my plate.

This video has all the standard requirements of a rap video. A house they don’t own, clothes likely donated, free advertisements to companies, red cups in addition to a bunch of women and men just happy to grin in front of someone’s camera. The song itself references bitches, hoes, pussy, money and all of that other bullshit that’s more sleep inducing to me than wine flavored Ambien.

A glowing reminder of the mediocrity we should all try to escape in our lives.

Seriously, public school system, I hate you for making this generation as insightful as the cement one of my neighbors’ dogs just used the restroom on.

Also, the song is called “G-Shit” yet I hear nothing but references to women’s designer shoes, women’s designer clothes, and nail styles only women and Ms. Kim along with the girls at Tiny’s nail shop should know about. Yeah, that’s some real G-Shit, you two. Ya’ll go hard like Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers.

Mind you, most of my friends are women yet I didn’t know anything about red bottoms until Jay-Z mentioned it in “I Know.” I never get how some heterosexual males like to talk about faggots, punks, and vagina envy yet possess more backhand knowledge about female clothes and accessories than people with actual vaginas, but I digress.

While the beat of this song is cool and the hook is somewhat catchy, this benefits Tyga more than Chris Brown. Tyga wasn’t gaining attention outside of southern California for that song “Coconut Juice,” so he needs something to join Nicki Minaj and Drake in the upper echelon of the Young Money roster.

But for Chris, again, didn’t he say he didn’t want to be an underground mixtape artist? A nicely shot but still very much cheap video isn’t going to solve those problems, Young Brown.

Nor are your attempts at rapping.

Who told him that was OK? I don’t understand why singers who barely get a pass in that area attempt to spit hot fire. It doesn’t help like he’s smiling as if he just won the biggest prize at Chuck E Cheese throughout the entire video. I guess the positive would be that my brother in big teeth has a nice smile?

I wonder if Rihanna is somewhere in the studio Def Jam locked her in until she produces 45 more versions of “Rude Boy” laughing her ass off. If she’s not, it’s only because no one has sent it to her yet.

Needless to say, his hubris continues to do him in. If he wants even a fraction of the mainstream success he was only starting to get before Grammy 2009 weekend, he really needs to reevaluate the type of music he’s doing and the image he’s trying to sell. I like to think he can still come back, but the longer he sticks around doing the same thing the smaller his chances get.

Did he not read my Help Me? Can someone please forward it to him? I think I gave some pretty solid obvious. But if he doesn’t have time to read, perhaps he ought to check out what Kid Fury has to say:

You need to listen to someone new. On some real shit, baby.

P.S. I liked this video when it was called “I Get Around” 100 years ago.

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