Cover Girls

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With respect to the legendary status of Liza Minnelli, I can smell the Bengay seeping from this track.

On one hand, I like it because it further illustrates just how huge “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” truly is. At this point, I don’t see how anyone can deny the impact the song and video have made on pop culture. Everyone from Bethenny Frankel to your too hot to trot granny still references this song as if it came out a week ago. I would’ve never guessed a fate for a song I initially dismissed as a generic version of “Get Me Bodied” before ultimately falling in love with it like everyone else. So while your favorite singer is somewhere trying to figure out how to work kegel exercises, mud, and the perfect squat into a video treatment, Beyonce’s still coasting on a two-year old video.

Yes, my stan game is still proper when need be.

Now that we’ve gotten the niceness out of the way, let’s be mean to old people, shall we?

Well, not completely mean. I don’t want the older white gay mafia to nix my screenwriting and book publishing ambitions. I’ll just say if you are old enough to remember cassette tapes being the original iPod then chances are this is your shit. Now if you don’t remember what a cassette tape is, chances are this rendition of Beyonce’s classic (give it up, that’s how it will be remembered) just made you appreciate the sweet sounds of Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em.

I’m somewhere in the middle. This song is bad, but is it bad in a way my ears need a first aid kit bad? Or is bad in I want to blast this in the middle of the hood and watch people look at me crazy bad? I’ll let you know the next time I ride down to Crenshaw. Should I not make it back to this blog, I’m sure Cameka Camry and I’s bodies can be found near a Chinese carryout.

You know, if Aretha Franklin can brilliantly cover “Touch My Body” I suppose Liza can do this. Now we just need to get Patti Labelle to sing Tela’s “Sho’Nuff” and my life will be nearly complete.

Nevertheless as late as Liza is and as awful as some may feel this cover is, Liza still comes across as the fun older lady who still wants to show she can jig, get it big. Give her a yasss, a couple of singles, and send up a prayer that she will dare to perform this somewhere with a video crew surrounding her.

And know that it could be far worse.

I actually think Teairra Mari is a sweetheart and has a decent voice. But her look, her sound, it’s just wrong. It takes me back five years when I was working on the set of a Blender shoot he did and first heard, “No Daddy.”

By the chorus I knew that project was going to tank. Five years later she’s still not getting it. Maybe this video is just serving up “hype” for her oft-delayed sophomore album, but after watching this I imagine she’s getting more erections than excitement for her music.

She wants a sponsor. She wants a daddy. She wants to show us for the fifth time that she has a nice body.

She just keeps on trying. Like the little engine that shouldn’t.

If I had to pick a winner between the two, I’d go with Liza shouting out the geriatric ladies.

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