Twitter Makes Me Hate You

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I’ve been sitting on this post idea for weeks because I didn’t want to potentially offend friends of mine, but I can’t take it anymore.

There are some wonderful people on Twitter only some of them make it extremely difficult for anyone to notice because they come across irritating as hell online.

As I previously mentioned in the entry “You’re As Deep As A Wad of Spit, Shut Up,” one of my biggest gripes about Twitter (and Facebook to a degree) is all of the faux philosophers who fill my timelines with random drops of “wisdom” that seem inspired by Sesame Street and methamphetamines.

But, it’s not just those folks. I wish they were the least of my worries.

Twitter is a microcosm of the world, but only a short time ago were we all afforded the privilege of only finding out the worst qualities about our friends if we placed ourselves in awkward situations – such as dating and/or sexing them. Thanks to social media, we get it all one tweet and status update at a time.

I want to continue to love some of these folks, however several of their Web antics are making it hard to.

Like a natural jackass, I’ve compiled a list of the worst offenders. Feel free to agree, curse me out, tell me “pot meet kettle” or whatever you deem necessary.

1. The nuts.

Some take social media far more seriously than others. As in, they are ready to smite thee if you dare unfollow them. No really, there are people willing to go Hiroshima on your skull if you decide you don’t want to read their bullshit anymore.

Why so serious? You got me, but I do know it’s the reason why the creator allowed the phrase, “Bitch grow up” to flow freely from our mouths.

2. The hoes.

What people do with their genitalia is their own business, however, I’d personally not throw mine out like a Frisbee for all the world to see. Different strokes, I suppose, which means if you want to solicit one online, do you. But, if a spambot for STD prevention floods your replies, you know why.

3. The pseudo positive people.

I don’t consider myself to be a negative person and on principle, I completely get why some constantly protest the idea of having someone with negative thoughts, feelings, and actions around them.

That said, some need to shut the fuck up. If you’re that positive, chances are no one else’s behavior will have [that] great of an effect on you.

A lot of the time this push for “positivity” is nothing more than a feeble attempt at distancing oneself from some much needed honesty.

When you ain’t shit, I’m positively certain no matter how hard you try to run from it, you’ll eventually be called out on it. If not online, in person.

4. The Blacker than thou crowd.

Lord, many who fit this fold have worse things to say about their own kind than the certified racists. That’s all I have to say about that.

No, that’s a lie. Fuck you and the Afro Pick you own but can’t even use.

5. The snobs.

Somewhat related to “blacker than thou” but more inclusive – cultural snobs, music snobs, classists, and all around douches.

The interesting thing about snobs is that often times they fail to meet the very criteria they cite to turn their nose up at others. May the pinky of each and every snob on Twitter develop arthritis.

6. The liars.

This includes but not limited to all of these fabulous ones who likely don’t own furniture (or copped it with a stolen credit card), the ones who spend three hours every Sunday professing their love of the Lord in the morning but by mid-afternoon is cursing folks out, and the ones stealing other people’s pictures as if it’s 1999 and we’re still all on BlackPlanet.

I’m not one of those people who separate “real life” from the Internet. I think they’re all connected so if you’re a lying ass liar online then how else do I expect to you to behave in person?

7. The bitter ones.

Oh, this one really gets me. I have come across some truly sweet people in person who seem to be possessed by the spirit of a much older and bitter adult once they log onto to their Twitter accounts.

About a man or girl. About a job. About their hair. About getting the tiniest wing on Popeye’s 2 piece for .89 cents special. Whatever, they’re mad and they want the entire world to know.

It’s their damn faults the “positive” ones won’t shut the hell up.

Believe me, I know how hard life can get and I am a strong advocate for saying whatever is on your mind, but after the first ten tweets, relax, relate, release.

8. The boppers.

There’s being nice to people, reaching out to someone you’ve been a long time fan of, and then there are actions more desperate, obsessive and all around repulsive.

If you sit around leaping from celebrity dick to bra strap on Twitter all day seek some damn help.

9. The delusional.

I’m not even sure “delusions of grandeur” can fully encapsulate how batshit crazy many go online.

Follower counts don’t make you Jehovah. Hell, you’re not even on the level of the least popular Kardashian. Get a grip of your better senses. A lot of these people following you don’t really know you and haven’t dropped naan penny in your PayPal account. Get some perspective.

10. The illiterate.

I’m trying to tread lightly here because I don’t want to come across as a snob myself, but have you ever read someone’s timeline and wept on the inside?

Now, a few weeks ago I met someone who follows me on Twitter. The first thing he said was, “You’re too hard on yourself – as a writer.”

Yeah, I am. I would hope that I don’t come across as some jackass on Twitter, but if I do, please let me know because I will quickly reevaluate myself.

I swear if I didn’t know some of the people I’m referencing offline, I would think they were the product of a three-way between stupid, stuck up, & silly.

Can anyone else say the same?

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