The Double Dipper Dilemma

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While enjoying personal time with my favorite pillow two weeks ago, a friend, whom I’ll refer to as “Satana,” called me in the middle of the night.

As I answered the phone she immediately screamed, “Jackie!”

Wait, before I continue, let me explain “Jackie.”

Basically from K-12 people have constantly cracked jokes about my slanted eyes. So much that I would be referred to as Timmy Chan (a reference to a hood restaurant catering to the needs of those who want to consume large amounts of wings, fried fish, pork fried rice, and lo mein) or in this case, his play cousin, Jackie.

Don’t laugh. It only encourages the bad people.

Anyway, Satana’s reason for calling me was to share the news that she spotted the boyfriend of a mutual friend from high school at a gay club. While I haven’t seen or spoken to this person since graduation day, Satana had recently seen her and met said boyfriend.

Satana was in shock and didn’t want to acknowledge the obvious: This sum’bitch was a double dipper.

And like clock worth, she immediately thought of reasons of why she should not get involved. To be fair, I don’t blame her. Most people say they want to be told the truth about the person they involve themselves with, but when they hear it they get angry.

Imagine being told that the person you’re constantly putting on display on your Facebook page might be using you as cover.

For years I resented J.L. King for appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show and playing the role of boogieman as he overexaggerated the “down low” phenomenon – which ultimately made more people hypersensitive and did very little in curbing the homophobia that scares gays into secrecy.

Still, I’ve come across plenty of double dippers and I know the threat is real. Making matters worse, depending on who you’re fooling with the situation could ultimately be one of life and death.

Satana knows this, hence the dilemma.

Yet, she did point out on the phone, “Well, just because he’s at a gay club that doesn’t make him gay.”

I told her that was a very diplomatic thing to say. She has a point, but at the same time it’s a little too political correct for me. Satana believes in giving people the benefit of the doubt and strives to be more open-minded in regards to sexuality. In theory, such an attitude will make for a better world. I want to believe in her way of thinking, only I’m no longer 8 and listening to “Hero.”

I jig in my jaded thinking (in this instance), thank you very much.

For the record, I’m aware that going to a gay club does not prove that you’re gay. I’m aware that breeders occasionally frequent gay clubs.

When Satana and I would go to the gay clubs people would often ask if we were a couple. It was the strangest shit I had ever heard, but through that I learned that some straight men are secure enough to hang out with the homos.

And that maybe I do in fact sometimes look like a lost straight person in a club as I was once described.

I’ve also seen men approach my female friends in gay clubs. Some of these men were wearing mascara at the time, but they were trying to holla all the same.

So, yeah you have those but then you have the more scrupulous characters. For example, I’ve come across multiple characters who claimed to be straight but were a little too comfortable in the company of gays for comfort.

Like this one guy, whose name I can’t remember but has a chest I’ll never forget. He used to take his shirt off and dance on one of the podiums to the glee of many a gay.

I remember talking to him once and he said that he was straight. You read that right. Despite getting drunk in a club and removing articles of clothing and two-stepping on a side stage for same sex enthusiasts, he said he was a heterosexual.

He was not hired to dance there. He was just there.

I believed that he believed he was heterosexual, though I wouldn’t be surprised if that Kappa had some guy licking his kane at the after-after party in the backseat of his car.

Based on him and other men that I’ve come across over the years, my skepticism has soared. I used to try to believe people in spite of the obvious convincing me not to. I no longer bother.

Satana knows this and needless to say, I was sort of dismissive of her efforts to remain conveniently unconvinced.

What tipped me off even more about the guy she saw was that he clearly noticed she was there and opted not to speak with her.

Me to Satana: “He didn’t speak to you because he’s gay, and you since saw him, he now knows that you know about his gay ass.”

With Satana officially waking me up, I grabbed my laptop and asked for his name. I got on Facebook and Scooby Dooby Dooed his ass.

I looked at his pictures.

“Satana, he’s gay.”

I looked at some his questionable friends and saw their mutual friends.

“Satana, this dude is gay.”

I went backed and looked at some of his other Zoolander inspired profile pictures.

“Satana, why are we still playing guess who? This motherfucker is gay.”

She says, “You don’t know that, Jackie!”

I did after I asked a gay person at his school if he knew about him. He did, though he reluctantly admitted it.

We talked to another mutual friend, and I suggested that someone go ahead and tell homegirl from high school that her man probably wants to stick his shit in somewhere other than her cookie jar.

Mutual friend didn’t want to get involved either.

That is, until Satana saw this same gay ass man at another gay bar on a Sunday. Mind you, this person is Greek and it was a big football game over the holiday weekend. Meaning, there was a lot of stuff going on yet his gay ass decided to go to the gayest spot he could think of and have a gay old time.

Satana told me that her kin who joined her at the bar noticed that the gay ass man was staring at their asses. A lingering stare at that. Did he speak this time? One guess.

Me to Satana: “Didn’t I tell you his gay ass was gay?”

At this point, it could no longer be ignored. It’s so hard to tell someone you no longer regularly speak to something like this, but it has to be done. So, mutual friend is supposed to do that today.

I hope she did. If not, I’m going to have to create some e-mail account and tell high school girl to start going to that club on Saturdays and that bar every Sunday – and to bring Vaseline and an uncle.

I’m playing about the uncle. I don’t want anyone hurt. Just honest.

Believe it or not, I feel bad for the guy, too. There’s so much pressure to fit heteronormative standards given that in most cases, gays would lead easier lives if they conformed.

You have to remember overall that most of the world is still telling gay men that we’re using our penises wrong. Lest we forget religions role in this madness, too.

That said, this dude still ain’t shit for lying. He can have his options if he so chooses to. The only thing is you have to give your partner that same courtesy.

Alright ya’ll, sharing time is over so ‘tis the time to speak your peace.

Be honest and tell me if you would get involved given the person isn’t a close personal friend anymore. If I didn’t make it clear, I completely understand why Satana didn’t want to get involved. But, you know, if you keep seeing that gay ass man you can’t keep ignoring it. Or can you?

Edit for update: So, it’s been a month since this post and our other friend, who has a much closer relationship to this car, still hasn’t told her what’s going on. Satana later found out from her own mutual gay friend that not only does he know the guy, they’ve had several conversations. Make that of what you will. Her friend also made it seem as if this guy looks to her as some sort of sponsor.

And five minutes ago I just saw new images of this poor unfortunate soul and her gay ass boyfriend on Facebook. No, I shouldn’t be on Facebook in the middle of the day but when you think about, I’m like fighting an injustice. That makes me like a hero in the style of Scooby Doo.

Anyway, last night I watched last week’s episode of Oprah and saw the story of that poor lady who contracted HIV from her lying ass husband. I know those cases are not as frequent as many would have you believe, but I get upset about them all the same. So, needless to say I am a little perturbed that my friend still hasn’t told this girl the deal after promising she would.

I texted her: “Hi (I start off with greetings, mind your manners). Bitch, if you don’t tell [name redacted] about that fucking gay ass man she’s dating already. The fuck wrong with you. Email that girl on your damn lunch break.”

Cursing her out came from a good place, I swear to you.

According to Lauren, I should be a life coach.

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