Meet Hi Dolla Honey

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Have you ever seen a hot girl like this before?

If not, fall to your knees and thank God for the Lord’s unwavering mercy. Then get right back up so we can clown this chick. Ready. Set. Go.

See this is a perfect example of a set up. Keith sent this to me knowing damn well there was no way I could ignore such ridiculousness — especially if the person behind it claims to be from Houston.

Yes, you read that right. Ms. Hi Dolla Honey (insert vomit here) says she’s from my hometown.

I don’t know where she comes from, but she’s definitely not from my part of town. I bet she’s from somewhere like Lake Jackson or Texas City. People who aren’t really from the city limits like to claim Houston. Wherever she claims to be from she needs to go back there.

There are so many things wrong with this girl that I’m not even sure where to begin.

First, this woman looks like what if Anna Nicole Smith met Frankie and Neffe during her fat years.

I suppose we can shift focus to her teeth, which look to be the handy work of TV Johnny. For those who don’t know who that is, it’s the Asian community’s answer to Flavor Flav. He supplies grills, tomfoolery and an accent thicker than a Mississippi strip club two blocks east of a KFC to Houston area residents.

There’s also the issue of Hi Dolla Honey’s wardrobe. I’m no stylist but I know awful when it’s blinding me with bright colors. As for that line, “got the Baby Phat bag and designer clothes” — 1996 Brooklyn, is that you?

Oh and her hair. She looks like she got her weave from old My Little Pony dolls. I do appreciate her joining Britney Spears and Paris Hilton’s efforts to dispel the myth that white girls can’t have awful weaves, too.

There’s also those two little offbeat background dancers that likely call her mama off the set. I have a friend who works at CPS. I suppose tomorrow morning I should call in a favor. There’s no way being raised by Paula Hell Nawl can be considered reasonable by anyone smarter than the average bear. Or in this case, bird.

As for the song itself, again so many things.

Did you all catch the line about her enjoying riding in her foreign car. Notice right after that line the camera pans to a Cadillac Escalade. She does realize that while Detroit certainly no longer captures the American dream, it’s still a part of the United States, right?

She could’ve at least hit up Hertz and asked for Nissan Sentra on loan for twenty minutes.

And to be a Hi Dolla Honey this video looks all types of cheap. Maybe she spent all of her money on that tattoo of a dick that’s been permanently plastered onto her chest. Or her mouth.

Whatever the case, I hate Keith for sending me this but I’m grateful all the same. If nothing else, it’s a reminder to Houstonians everywhere that we have to watch we who let in the metropolitan area. Border control people. Embrace it.

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