Buy A Patch, Bruno

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It seems the guy with the candy bar name and the Tia Mowry face seems (hi, Fresh) to want to go the way of Mary J. Blige at the peak of her madness.

Well, this certainly explains why Bruno Mars is smiling all the damn time.

Initially I assumed it was because he was Hawaiian and that’s what they do there. You know, so tourists won’t shade them for Cabo or something. But apparently, when you’re grinning that uncomfortably for such long periods of time, you’re happy comes by way of a high.

With 1 in 7 Americans in poverty, 1 in 5 not being able to afford their school loans, and Oprah Winfrey deserting us in the midst of it all, I can understand why the average walking depressant might be enticed to get lit.

Not that I condone such behavior or anything. I simply understand the rationale is all. There’s a lot to be stressed over.

But, Bruno baffles me. You can’t drink fancy liquor like other rich people? And if you have problems, can’t you afford some help?

If you’re currently a star on the rise, why would you be stupid enough to run into a bathroom stall looking like a biracial base head?

Like, you’re barely even famous.

I’m not really a fan of his per se. The most interesting thing about him to me is that he looks like the wrestler Yokozuna — if he were fresh after gastric bypass (rest in peace, Yoko).

He has a nice voice, which I heard back in March when he opened for a Janelle Monae show but I haven’t really fallen in line yet.

Plenty of people have, though, so why not wait until after somebody’s bought his album to be a fuck up?

Then again, maybe it’s better for him to learn his lesson now.

That way he won’t go the way of Lindsay Lohan and T.I.

Those two disappoint the hell out of me. They’re dumb, reckless, and need to give me all of their money since there’s only so much you can put on your commissary.

You wanted them to win, but their drug dealer wanted to win even more.

Oh well.

Bruno, I suggest you seize on the opportunities that are your racial ambiguity and non-threatening demeanor and make enough money to make me wish I could play the guitar and sing about loving a woman convincingly.

That airy pop stuff you’re doing is in (a sound I dislike strongly, FYI), so I suggest you get it together. You’re not Paris Hilton. You are not the rubberband man. Cee-Lo only has so much pull. Trust me when I say you will only get so many chances.

If the prospect of a ruined career before it truly gets going doesn’t scare you enough, think about the possibilities of a permanent crack itch and the threat of yuck mouth.

People won’t think you’re cute with four teeth left – especially if three of them will look like your dentist is a Lemon Head.

Now if none of that convinced you to stop getting high, please watch this video and then pass it along to Ms. Lohan and Clifford (no bear):

Be afraid, Happy Man.

I really should’ve saved the D.A.R.E. speech I wrote in 4th grade (which was honored by the school – yes, I’m mentioning it again). People need to hear it.

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