Her Gay Pet

If the word awful needs a new jingle, this song is more than worthy of consideration.

Heven’s (God help her and the spelling of that name) “My Gay Best Friend” is the kind of song that makes some people think about glitter, fun, and frolicking. That is, if they’re drunk out of their mind and high on stupid. Or if they have a strong affinity for pop radio.

For me, this is the sort of ditty that gets me to question God and the Lord’s choice to leave us saner folks without an option to mute the less fortunate.

I think the worst part about this song is that I could see it being played on the radio in major markets that are more likely to be gay friendly – especially if it were performed by a notable artist.

Say, if Kelis weren’t sending Nas to the blood clinic and sperm bank (despite him likely netting more from Coinstar given Negro sperm doesn’t go for much) regularly this is a track she’d probably consider to reboot her fledgling career.

Her milkshake…with a penis.

People would probably champion it as some pro-gay anthem if the right name and puppeteer were behind it. I suppose in comparison to all of them “fuck you faggot” themed songs permeating rap it is indeed a step up.

It’s those sorts of realizations that make me wonder if Fred Phelps had a point about God’s heavenly shade upon thee.

This song encompasses so many clichés and stereotypes that I don’t even know where to begin.

I suppose what really vexes me about this song is the fact that I could see a lot of women identifying with the lyrics. And quite possibly some of my own friends will listen to this and look to it as the soundtrack to our lives. The horror.

In a strange and arguably sad twist of irony, I’ve always gotten along more so with women than with men. I don’t spin around all day in ballet slippers in order to do so (no judgment if that’s your thing); but growing up in an environment where hypermasculinity was the guide to life for many I just opted to be myself.

Women tend to take to it more than some of the straight men who think gayness is highly contagious or the multiple closeted men waiting in the wings for some man to hit the daddy stroke in secrecy.

Even now, I still get along with women more so than I do men. In my defense, many LA men seem to have been bred and raised in a land called Cuntville before fleeing to California. Both gay and straight alike, ya’ll.

So, yes, I love women but while I do appreciate the company I keep there have been instances where I have had to wonder if a person was looking for a friend or a caricature the way the “GBF” is depicted in this song.

Ever since I confirmed my sexuality I’ve come across women who are quick to say, “OMG! You can be the Will to my Grace.”

I’ve also been repeatedly referred to as someone’s “gay boyfriend.” As in, this is “My gay boyfriend, Michael.” Sometimes, “gay boyfriend” is all you get.

I don’t really go out of my way to take issue with it because I don’t think anyone means any harm by it. I get that’s playful, thus I usually play along.

“Gay boyfriend” doesn’t offend me so much as the idea of being someone’s hormonally imbalanced Lassie does.

There are some women out there who like to treat gay men as pets.

I mentioned it one of my friends and he said in response, “One of my friends is like that. I don’t think she intentionally does it…which actually makes it more annoying.”

By pet, he means asking him to show up at places to see if a person is gay.

I don’t know why some women think it, but not all gay men have the magical power known as gaydar.
If I did, trust me I’d wave my dick around an attractive room and go, “Bippity, boppity, boo!”

My friend also pointed out that his friend looks to him as a fashion critic and also enjoys placing him in settings where all of her friends ask him “stupid gay shit.”

That reminds of one dinner where some guy was so perplexed at the idea of me not wanting to eat in that he told me if I ever wanted to try the chicken of the crotch, his boy is a pimp.

Yes, he offered me a prostitute after a series of questions that yielded the same response: “I don’t swing that way.”

Believe me, when I score a book deal (insert prayers, well wishes, and knocks on wood here) I will discuss all of the stupid shit people tell me but that one right there is worth sharing now.

Imagine the restraint one has to exercise to not offend the friend of a friend despite them subtly offending you.

To be fair, there are plenty of gay pets running around who enjoy shit like this.

And honestly, sometimes I guess I can classify as a Fido. When this vocally-challenged singer speak-sings, “We hit the club, we drop it low” I obviously see myself.

She’s also right about me never wanting the girls I’m with.

Still, I know I’m more than that and there have been times where I made to make it apparent to people.

Even if this is just a silly little song it very much personifies real annoyance for some gay men.

I gather this is akin to being the “black friend” to inquisitive others. That problem still seems to linger, though. Does that I mean I need to suck it up and simply hope no one asks me how to do so in the near future?

Comments

  1. Lady says:

    My Gay Best First would call shenanigans on this bullsh*t and probably drop kick me in the solar plexus with his limited edition Nikes for some mess like this.
    As a matter of fact, I’ve seen him interact with ladies who look at him like some My Lil Pony doll. He eats it up and uses that opportunity to tell them about themselves. But because he’s putting on a show, they never get offended and the rest of us look at them with sheer disbelief and giggles that he called you an ugly hoe and you thought it was “cute and sassy”.

    He’s a Black man who happens to be gay. WTH do I look like dragging him around like some Chocolate Skittle “My Buddy” doll?

  2. TOKEN says:

    This song is horrible. I pray that this track doesn’t get national exposure.

  3. Brandon says:

    lol great post & I highly agree that some women treat their gay male friends like pets and it’s ridiculous while there are other women who desperately want a gay male bff and when they see one it’s: OOOOH I WANT ONE
    as if it’s a new Fendi bag, like bitch do you not realize he’s a human being?! not some new toy uggh! and not all gay men are into fashion & doing shit most women like to do, being gay is JUST a sexuality, sadly not all women understand that concept.

  4. Nonayabizznizz says:

    Well comb the hair on my legs and call me a clydesdale because I am *slams gavel* GUILTY! I consider myself a gay man in a woman’s body (yeah think about that) and LOVE the company of gay men…and I’ll be damn if it isn’t because of the witty, condescending, “honey child please – check yourself b4 you wreck yourself”, eye-for-fashion stereotypes mentioned. And I’m talking about the “kicked the hinges off that closet” out of the closet gay men. And while all gay men are not created equal, my experiences lead me to believe gay men share common characteristics that I thrive off of. That’s because as my best friend puts it “gay men are mixed with boy and girl. They know what a woman wants and what a man likes to see on a woman”…so how can I not appreciate that????

    *shrugs*

  5. Ann says:

    @Nonayabizznizz-I appreciate that because he is “as gay man, mixed with boy and girl. and he knows what a woman wants and what a man likes to see on a woman”. I can ask him questions about men just like I’d ask a straight man. But he’s not a novelty to me, that’s all I get from this video.

  6. daseekah says:

    she cannot be serious :/

  7. Zett says:

    In the interest of full disclosure, I’m a chick, and I grew out of my needing a Gay Male Friend phase when I was about 22. Possibly because my two gay male close friends were psychotic in ways that had very little to do with them being gay, but I digress.

    I honestly think this phenomenon stems from the fact that as a woman, it is damn near impossible to have a straight male PLATONIC friend. Ask any girl you know: you can be skinny, fat, short, tall, severely ugly or foine as hell & it will not matter: Eventually, they all try to fuck you. And lord help you if he found you attractive from the get-go and you told him you were in or weren’t looking for, a relationship. There is no ‘lets just be friends’ with straight men. They don’t know how to do it. They don’t even WANT to know how to do it. They might pretend to be your ‘friend’ but please know you are being seen as pussy on reserve.

    And don’t try and befriend your girlfriends’ men. That’ll get your eyes scratched out by jealous, fearful bitches. So, for a lot of women, their only option for male company outside of their father, brothers or boyfriends/husbands are gay dudes. Is this ideal? Hellnaw. But for those of us girls that need a breather from all the estrogen erry once in awhile, that dude we know that wouldn’t touch vagina with a 10 foot pole is our go-to guy.

    Now, that’s not to say that there aren’t a lot of females who DO treat gay men like their favorite pair of stilettos: “OMG, i just LOVE him!!!” etc. A lot of them also wind up falling in love with their gay friends- which is a recipe for disaster if there ever was one. But a lot of the time, with women, its just nice to be able to have adult conversation with someone with a nutsack whom you KNOW is not going to ever want to get in your pants (unless its for a donor egg, but that’s another story).

  8. Charlae says:

    Don’t hate me, but I actually kinda like this song…