The Lady GaGa Awards

Anytime an award’s show is led in by a marathon of a reality show featuring orange people dipped in moose it is probably in everyone’s best interest not to get their hopes up.

Fortunately, up until a few days ago I had forgotten all about the Video Music Awards, which meant I didn’t even bother taking the time to feign excitement or optimism.

I will give MTV some credit – last year’s show was pretty good. It’s just too bad it’s not last year.

To that end, let me make one thing clear: This shit was awful. There were some good things – like, uh, the stage crewmembers set up – but overall it was a very dull event and I’ll likely forget most of what I’ve seen tonight six hours after this post is published.

I do have one good thing to say, though: I actually learned a few things from watching this. And when you really think about it, shouldn’t we all take comfort in the fact that I can still learn from a network that’s now known for some loudmouth dwarf named Snooki?

The answer is no, but I’m going to share my musings on this show with you anyway.

Okay kids, let’s dive in so I can off and dream about chicken wings and the death of Sallie Mae.

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The Double Dipper Dilemma

While enjoying personal time with my favorite pillow two weeks ago, a friend, whom I’ll refer to as “Satana,” called me in the middle of the night.

As I answered the phone she immediately screamed, “Jackie!”

Wait, before I continue, let me explain “Jackie.”

Basically from K-12 people have constantly cracked jokes about my slanted eyes. So much that I would be referred to as Timmy Chan (a reference to a hood restaurant catering to the needs of those who want to consume large amounts of wings, fried fish, pork fried rice, and lo mein) or in this case, his play cousin, Jackie.

Don’t laugh. It only encourages the bad people.

Anyway, Satana’s reason for calling me was to share the news that she spotted the boyfriend of a mutual friend from high school at a gay club. While I haven’t seen or spoken to this person since graduation day, Satana had recently seen her and met said boyfriend.

Satana was in shock and didn’t want to acknowledge the obvious: This sum’bitch was a double dipper.

And like clock worth, she immediately thought of reasons of why she should not get involved. To be fair, I don’t blame her. Most people say they want to be told the truth about the person they involve themselves with, but when they hear it they get angry.

Imagine being told that the person you’re constantly putting on display on your Facebook page might be using you as cover.

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Lauryn Hill Denial Disorder

Back when she was a much more tolerable version of herself, I adored Lauryn Hill.

Like many of you I’ve waited anxiously for her to return to music, convinced it was something that I just needed so badly. But, after several years of erratic stage shows and recent interviews that make her sound like she’s involved in a love triangle with narcissism and psychosis, I have to say that I actually think it might be best if she went the way of Positive K.

Yeah, I said it.

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Nigga, You Turned Out Just Like Tyler. Pause.

I’ve been fighting off doing this post for weeks now because I didn’t want to speak ill of a show and a creator that I’ve long admired. But, it needs to be said: The last season of The Boondocks was really, really awful.

Honestly, the show has always been off and on since it began airing (when it’s brilliant, it is…when it’s not, yikes), but the final season was a huge disappointment overall.

Those of you who have been reading this site for years know that I’m a huge fan of the strip and Aaron McGruder.

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I Need Answers

1. Does anyone else now have a greater appreciation for Britney Spears’ performance at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards?

2. Why is The Game aggressively humping on this girl like he’s hopped up on Viagra and True Blood?

3. Would anyone be surprised if he turned out to be a repressed bottom?

4. Can someone let the music artists of today know that not everyone needs a mixtape?

5. Isn’t so nice to see LeToya getting along with both Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams?

6. How can people continue to deny Nicki Minaj?

7. Didn’t NeNe tell people to close their legs to married men?

8. As much as I’d love for that pathetic, sad whore, Kat Stacks to go away, wouldn’t another person just like her pop up 20 minutes after she vanished?

9. Speaking of that celebrity cum catcher, if Kat Stacks could actually form a coherent sentence she would be a New York Times best-selling author now, huh?

10. Was this song particularly created for Dallas, New Orleans, and Detroit because I can’t think of anyone else this geeked about Coogi?

11. Is Katy Perry to Lady GaGa what Ashanti once was to Beyonce?

12. Are ya’ll up on K. Michelle yet?

13.  Doesn’t Bobby Valentine look ready to go pride weekend cruising in Atlanta?

14. Can you believe that this is really the last season of The Oprah Winfrey Show?

15. Instead of putting out bullshit campaign ads that no one with a clue actually takes seriously, shouldn’t BP use that money for their paltry clean up efforts?

16. But why does that Justin Bieber with Kanye & Raekwon kind of knock, though?

17. Who’s going to convince T.I. or Chris Brown to hire a speech coach before each does their next movie?

18. How much longer will President Obama keep up this ‘too cool’ temperament act up before he realizes it often does more harm than good?

19. Can Betty White stay with us forever?

20. How often do you go on a celebrity blog and say to yourself, “Who in the fuck are these people?!”