The Week In 10

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As I’m sure many of you noticed, I didn’t blog much last week. It wasn’t my intention, but these things happen sometimes I guess. You forgive me, right?

Probably not so if you need to, feel free to take a moment to roll your eyes and think in your mind, “You ain’t shit.”

Feel better?

Alright, let’s move on. Anywho, this is the perfect time to bring back the recurring “The Week In 10.”

So yeah, let’s go here it is:

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1. Nicki Minaj performs on The Late Show with David Letterman.

It’s not that Nicki Minaj is a bad performer, it’s just she’s turning out not to be the performer I imagined her to be. Actually, the more I hear her solo singles I worry that she might not ultimately be the artist I thought she would be either.

On the songs she’s featured on, she embodies all of the charm, theatrics, and fun that made her the most buzzed about female rapper in over a decade. On her solo singles, she comes across as someone trying out to be a pop star. I gather her rationale is by doing so it will make it easier for her to net mainstream attention.

The irony of that is she was already getting that attention by just being herself.

Like really, when you have Harriet the Spy mimicking your raps in the car with Dawson, no creek, you don’t have to do the most. And by the most, I mean acting like Fergie and Gwen Stefani.

I like “Check It Out,” but I don’t get why she’s pushing this song so hard. It’s not doing that well and it sounds nothing like what made her popular.

I’m all for growth, but this direction seems rooted in cynicism.

Nicki, if you want to learn how to dance, okay.

If you want to make even more odd faces, cool. I’ll step my cookies up and practice that along with my fake accents.

Hell, even though I don’t like it all that much, if you want to sing a little (“Right Through Me”), go ahead.

However, the biggest buzz she’s gotten in months was for her feature on “Monster.”

Take the hint, girl.

She’s making the same mistakes Drake made with his single choices. People wanted “Best I Ever Had” and he gave…not that.

C’mon, Nicki. Don’t fuck around and give Kimberly false hope.

2. Drake’s logic fail.

Speaking of Drake, Captain Caveman really tried it in this interview. I wish I could fuck every girl in the world is a metaphor? From the man who likely would’ve impregnated half the hemisphere had he not been imprisoned?

A couple of things, Aubrey.

You didn’t answer Katie Couric’s question.

A. “A sort of fine line between fun and wit.”

You’re talking about Lil’ Wayne, who refers to himself as the “pussy monster.” That’s not witty and it’s only fun for him.

B. Why does your face always light up when talking about Mr. Carter? I swear, Drake acts like he was breast fed with that Wayne’s dick.

C. Just because women sing along doesn’t mean it’s not offensive to them. It’s called patriarchy. And irony.

D. “You can look at me. I am not the type of guy to demean women.” Yeah, it doesn’t matter how you look it’s what you say.

Remember the days when artists were actually trained on how to properly answer question so they didn’t sound like they chewed on bullshit?

When we reminisce over you…

3. Rick Sanchez is a moron, but doesn’t want you to think he’s a racist.

I have never been a fan of Rick Sanchez, especially when he got on CNN. He’s one of many reasons why I significantly decreased my cable news intake.

While he sits there and says he’s not trying to make excuses, much of the interview consists of just that.

Like: “I was tired, I had been working 14 hours days and doing three shows. My daughter had a softball game I couldn’t attend.”

Nice try, but that was a well thought out belief you had. If nothing else, maybe outside factors caused you to be more open than usual about that belief, but that doesn’t negate that you feel that way.

And notice how he keeps milking his book. While I can’t be mad at that, it just goes to show you how hubris is important to this man. I’m not sure what Latinos called it, but Rick Sanchez definitely got his real n—a wake up call.

He’ll be back eventually, but good riddance for now.

4. She’s 90 years old and racist as hell but also doesn’t want to be called it.

Did you know ungrateful, whiny black folk like me get free welfare and medicine? Neither did the hospital and social services offices I called looking to get my lazy Nigra freebie.

C-SPAN callers have long ranged from the intellectually curious to the batshit crazy. Shout out to the old fools out there letting it be known that they still want to have their say even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone but the ghosts who keep busy playing Scrabble at night.

It’s a good thing I respect my elders because when she said, “I’m not racist” I wanted to yell back at my screen, “Bitch yes you is, hoe.”

Shout out to Drizzy.

4.  Charo is content with her crazy and never scared of it.

While one old bitty is still 4 ½ feet in denial, Charo here is never scared. She is 69 years old cutting up like this on national television. Crazy ages well, know this.

I don’t know if I should be afraid or encouraged that I, too, may one day embarrass my relatives and race in such a fun manner.

Wait, who are we kidding? We all know I will be doing this at her age. Hopefully I’ll be able to drop it low and pick it back up without assistance. Go, Charo. Go, Charo. Go, Charo.

And I’m not completely mad at the song.

Hide ya grandkids (after they turn legal, of course).

5. Ashanti says look back at it.

Let the record show that the first 15 seconds of this performance features Ashanti’s best dancing ever. For years all Ashanti would do was pat her hair and her crotch. It’s as if her choreographer told her to focus on the hair on top and down low and that’s all she could ever remember on stage.

So kudos to her on that. Better late than never.

As for the rest of the performance, it was kind of like an e-card to Beyoncé.

The vocals still weren’t there, but whatever. She didn’t croak on stage and that’s an accomplishment, too, considering some of her earlier performances.

I actually kind of miss Ashanti. She had some good songs and it’s obvious considering the crowd remembered many of them and it’s been a good eight years on a few of the titles she performed during her medley.

Speaking of the word “good,” I gather had she performed “Good Good” producers might have called security.

That’s okay, girl, I liked the song.

Shout out to her cat suit, too. I mean, I wouldn’t use my bat in that cage but she’s definitely giving something. Aww baby.

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6. Waka Flocka Flame can read.

So he owns a Speak and Spell. That’s good, but can he comprehend is the real question?

He claims he’s only “acting dumb.” If that is the case he should hire a trainer, a barber, and get an agent. Clearly, this man can be every black actor in Hollywood out of work.

7. Bruno Mars can sing.

But I still can’t seem to care about him. Moving on.

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8. Girl groups are back.

I hate the word “swagger” but I love this song, mainly because they sound good on it. I prefer the version without Fabolous and Rick Ross, though. Fat Mr. T.’s features are often a waste of money as he usually adds nothing to a song. I may still think I’m Big Meech, Larry Hoover, but if I were somebody’s accountant I’d be like, “get your guest rappers right.”

Anywho, I didn’t pay much attention to RichGirl last year because I was too busy being obsessed with Electrik Red and telling people I’m the shit with this shit. But, if these girls are coming out with stuff like this, I’m ready to remember I liked 19 different girl groups a decade ago.

9. T.I. won’t be around for much longer.

I read a story that says T.I.’s probation officer is recommending he go back to jail for 14 months. His lawyers have said that’s not fair, but it doesn’t really matter because bottom line he’s likely going back to a place where his bottom will be considered that number one spot.

That said, someone send T.I. this video with a note that says, “REMIX! REMIX!:”

Good luck, Tip.

10. N’Secure is real.

I thought to write a post on this, but then I thought why give a film I’m never going to see that much of my time?

This movie looks like it was sponsored by Sportin’ Waves and the plot of the film version of Madea’s Family Reunion.

I’m impressed that this film was made, that it’s in theaters, and that it’s getting promotion on major cable networks. I’m not impressed with anything else. At the same time, I don’t think this film will destroy black people. It will just give them something to laugh at for 90 minutes should they choose to spend $5 (or in LA and NY’s case, $27.50 and a pint of blood) to watch it.

It will also give many of us reason to cry at night, but alas those are the breaks.

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