Yesterday, a vicious and terrible lie spread across the Internet that my queen and yours, Beyoncé, had an unauthorized visitor in her uterus. Quickly, many assumed that Beyoncé was finally knocked up with Jay-Z’s seed and would be sending Gerber a request to make a baby food version of red beans and rice. Some then quickly moved to start conceiving baby names for the couple while others began to cry silent tears over a botched new album and world tour in 2011.
Meanwhile, the sad souls of pop culture (those who suffer from Beyoncé denial disorder) started conjuring false hope for their respective favorites. You know, because they’re too clueless to realize that even if the Queen were breeding a princess or prince she wouldn’t simply get a doctor-approved p-pop ready for the promotional trail.
As if, folks. As freaking if.
When I read Us Weekly’s “report,” it immediately sounded sketchy to me. One, any real Beyoncé fan knows that she has been rumored to be pregnant every six months for the last ten years. In fact, if I played a drinking game themed around the number of times Bey has been rumored to be knocked up, I’d likely be dead within the first 15 minutes of playing.
Why do people keep trying to give this girl morning sickness?
It’s highly unlikely to see someone as calculated as she suddenly have an “unplanned pregnancy.” So, ye ain’t fooling me.
The same goes to this other “insider” who added that Beyoncé was in her first trimester and realized that “this is a gift from God and she’s so happy.”
We may all differ on religious beliefs but I’d like to think we share a faith in a God who wouldn’t be cruel enough to leave us with just Keri Hilson and Ciara (look, she gave them a chance to shine and they failed miserably — those are the breaks). Yes, Willow’s whipping her hair back and forth, but she’s still a few years away from being tall enough to actually snatch anybody’s wig.
And while I am pretty certain I’ll enjoy Rihanna’s new album, you know that girl dances like she was choreographed by Ambien.
Beyoncé is needed.
Thankfully, Mama Tina shut this shit down before people really got carried away from themselves.
Hopefully, you learned a few things from yesterday.
Like: Traditional media outlets can be just as bad and factually flawed as the very bloggers they often like to criticize.
And: Your favorites still need prayer because the Queen won’t be jiggin’ for two.
Also: Don’t believe anything about a highly private person unless they confirm it. If it took Beyoncé 19 years to tell you she let Jay-Z have a piece of her drumstick, what makes you think she’s carrying his loosie that quickly?
Now, one day there will come a point when she decides to go off and have some super talented and incredibly blessed kids. That, of course will be quite lovely and stuff so long as it occurs after I get a new album and see her in concert.
Selfish? Yeah, but whatever. Who told you I was perfect?
Besides, based on the numerous interviews where she’s spoken on the matter, I’m inclined to think she’ll have some kids when she’s good and ready. Until she decides she wants to grant someone the green light to flow from her birth canal, leave her alone.