Help Them Or Us?

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This is the problem with telling people they can be anything they want to be without offering specific details.

Perhaps it’s because I haven’t paid any attention to Marques Houston since the time those set of twins would shut doors in his face, but I had no idea that he and his fictitious relative, Omarion Grandberry were doing horror films directed by that walking colonic, Chris Stokes.

And little did I know that whatever straight-to-DVD feature they did the first performed well enough to warrant a sequel. Now who among you do I have to send sternly worded emails to for making this happen? No really, fess up now and get ready for my fired up font.

I suppose in theory, I should be supporting the notion of a black-helmed horror film given we’re typically sliced, diced, and discarded so easily in much of the ones Hollywood produces. Thank goodness I don’t often lose my better senses in the name of symbolism, though, because this movie looks like some old bullshit no matter who’s behind it.

Marques Houston has obviously all but abandoned the advice the acting coaches in his formative years shared with him, opting instead to embrace this hokey, blatant type of acting. I think there’s a term for it: bad (“you know it, you know”).

Spaghetti is a boring enough dish in of itself. He could’ve at least tried a little harder to make that student loan meal sound better. Focus, Marques!

Like that girl who walks into this rented home that I swear I saw on an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians. The one that’s Khloe Kardashian’s friend and assistant (the best kind of friend, apparently). You know, the one that was pretending to date Rob but we all knew better even if they didn’t tell us they were just kidding? She’s actually not awful.

As for his brother in booty (according to Raz-B anyway), Omarion: As much as I enjoy looking at him (well, one part the most), he is to acting what Ciara is to operatic singing.

And really, he’s playing a security guard? Isn’t he like barely hovering over five inches? No shade to the short men as I dig them, but that dude can’t even throw his flashlight in the face of any bandit. Who exactly is he supposed to secure, Poking Stokes?

O seems like a really nice person, but I don’t see it for him as an actor. Go do some kid show, man. They have lower standards. Then again, maybe he already is. I can’t imagine anyone over the age of 14 and 3 quarters being into this.

Well, an unexposed teen anyway. I knew awful early on. I don’t know what damage “No Child Left Behind” has done for the future of film.

According to its Facebook page, Somebody Help Me 2 premiers on TV later this week. Ya’ll let me know how that goes down, okay?

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