Sing To Me, Kim

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If I’ve never said it on my site before, let me be perfectly clear: I kind of adore Kim Kardashian.

I often feel like that is the sort of declaration that ought to be prefaced with an apology given the circumstances. So, if it makes you feel any better for me to say it, let me say I’m sorry that I like her so much. Does that make it any better?

Probably not, because I’m not actually sorry about liking her.

No, she has no discernable talent. Yes, I realize that her claim to fame isn’t so much the sex tape fiasco as it is the news cycle having to generate “celebrities” just for the sake of feeding the monster that is our society’s obsession with all things “star.”

Kimberly slurps men up at a speed that would even draw shade from a hare-besting tortoise. So sexy as she may be to some, if her staying afloat depended on her sexual prowess she would die in two feet of water. That said, it has to be the face cause that pussy seems dull.

But that doesn’t matter, you guys! She’s pretty, she’s nice, and I don’t know, really pretty so long as she stops tweaking her damn face.

Her reality shows – as contrived yet still very much plot-less as they may be – are entertaining.

Kim Kardashian is the Beyoncé of the famous for nothing world, which means she can do anything, right?

I thought so until I read on TMZ that The-Dream has been filling this girl’s head thoughts that she, too, can take her non-talented ways to the music industry.

After reading that story, I immediately felt compelled to suggest we take that walking Teddy Graham and turn his fat ass into chocolate pudding (click here for the recipe).

I mean, why does he think we want to hear Kim Kardashian “sing?”

She can’t even talk with enthusiasm, so what is the incentive to listen to her whisper to a beat? She has an ass, but she certainly doesn’t know how to move it so that surely won’t distract us. Plus, shouldn’t whatever spot she’ll exercise her privilege to get at least go to someone who really cares about singing?

I was all but ready to call the terrorist hotline on behalf of Christian Milian and music lovers everywhere until I read something that offered me perspective.

Rich from the hilariously brilliant blog, Four Four, tweeted an interesting scenario for The-Dream and Kim Kardashian.

Rich wrote: “Kim Kardashian as Vanity 2.0 (via The-Dream) is the best idea pop culture has had all year.”

I had never thought of Kim Kardashian in that manner, but suddenly it all started to make sense. Seconds later, I got a little excited about the idea of it all.

As in: This shit might actually work out, folks.

I have loved Vanity since I was a child. I used to be obsessed with her in The Last Dragon and I still think “Nasty Girl” is one of the best songs ever. That and of course, Apollonia’s “Sex Shooter.”

The latter title is especially special to me considering it was served as a soundtrack to select memories of my life.

They include breaking my iPod while dancing to the song in the bathroom in college. I dropped the iPod in a sink full of water while trying to “kiss the gun.” Too much embracement of a stereotype can kill…your electronics.

There are good instances, though, like the time I lived in New York and got a very pregnant woman to perform the song with me on the street in broad daylight.

So, as you can see despite appreciating actual talented performers I have a very soft spot for the people who can’t sing or dance a lick, but can coo on cue.

Who better to carry on that legacy than the fairest Kardashian of them all?

By now I’ve likely lost many of you. Some of you might even wonder if I have a substance abuse problem. You needn’t worry as I didn’t have wine for breakfast. I also do not sniff car fumes for fun nor do I eat mystery meat for sport.

I just happened to think Rich has a point. Vanity was amazing for simply being able to look gorgeous while carrying the music a much more talented person gave her. Same with Apollonia.

If those two really gorgeous women can get by on that, why not Kim? I’m willing to give her a chance. If nothing else, it will at least make for a good episode of whatever reality show they have out on a given week.

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