The Fat B–ch Walk

Back when I was a whole lot rounder and far less secure I wish I had a song like this to lift my spirits. Self-deprecating humor is a great defense mechanism against the sourpusses of the world. Combining that with ratchiness and a Casio beat is pure genius.

No, really why didn’t I have this song back when I cursed this girl out for calling me a fat bitch in middle school? Or the time I came back into my house after hanging outside and my mom looked at me and said, “Go back outside for a little longer.”

What she meant to say was, “You need to go walk off those 20-piece nuggets I wish I hadn’t bought you.” I did not want to go back outside, but I had no choice. Had I been able to have this song on Side B of my TalkBoy cassette player I may have took her command in stride.

Of course there are other ways to look at this. I imagine some of you are thinking, “They should’ve never given you n*!$@’s a Web cam.” This is true. Not to mention it’s unfortunate to see how anyone can make up a song in three minutes and people like me who know better will dance to it anyway because it has an easy beat and even simpler hook. Yahh trick yahh!

Yeah, I know this is some bullshit but guess what? I’ve already made it an MP3 anyway. This will accompany the proud prostitute anthem, “Got Dat Work” by Memphis Blac & Smokahontas Jones (introduced to me by her Royal Ratchiness, Fresh) on my iPod.

For those of you who turning up your nose at me and this fat bitch, I will quote the great Kanye West: “You have to balance ignorance with intellect! Can’t have school with out recess! #Greatesttweetofalltime”

New life motto, people — and consider me on my damn break at this moment.

Naturally, this song and its video is not without fault. The “all my ladies say ‘hey’ and all my fellas say ‘ho’” part is something you would expect from a person who says things like “June 1982…those were the days.” That’s alright, though. Those lines could be cleaned up once hat Magick Jumpoff is signed to Bad Boy.

As for the “video,” uh, I’m not sure if dude intentionally tried to pay homage to AKA in the background, but I suppose not tightening up makes you more trill. And as a sidenote, I’d like to say that I am quite curious as to how people get so fat on skinny stoves. That’s almost more impressive than the song — that’s some serious dedication to the cause.

Nevertheless, this made me chuckle for a few minutes and I most certainly will play this in the car whenever some of the fat phobic people I’ve met in Los Angeles are riding in it. And I will definitely keep pushing with my rap dreams (only to ether that bitch, Sallie Mae and her BFF, Citibank).

Who wants to help me pen the “Skinny Slut Stomp?” Or “Skinny Slut Strut.” I haven’t decided yet.

P.S. I’m about to go make me some chicken nuggets. I’ll be fat bitch walking the whole way there.