Help Me: Lil’ Kim

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Dear Michael,

Who the fuck want war?!

I tried to tell you niggas that the Queen still sits high on her crown. So high I can still blow kisses to my baby, Frank White.

I know Nicki’s your girl, but at the end of the day she’s a Kim clown clone. A wanna be but never gonna be Kim. That bitch is weak, feel me?

Straight garbage and at the end of the day, that corny gimmick of hers ain’t gonna last. At the end of the day I’ll still be here because at the end of the day I’m that bitch.  The one that made Hardcore.

Who the fuck want war?!

Not that trick. Did you hear “Black Friday?” I know you did because that shit was a trending topic for how long , ho? At the end of the day that five-minute song is better than her entire punk ass album.

Yo, you hear that bullshit ass “Roman’s Revenge?” Who the hell still talking about some damn dragons? The only dragon people care about is the one whippin’ Sho’Nuff’s ass. Tell her to roger that!

Who the fuck want war?!

Yo, how in the fuck can you even like this girl because at the end of the day she ain’t nothing but a Kim clown clone. Yeah, I’m repeating myself because at the end of the day, it’s true.

Just like how at the end of the day, Hardcore is still the shit, I still make money off it, and at the end of the day that Kim clown clone bitch will NEVER have something that hot?

You hear me? NEVER!

Who the fuck want war?!

How ya’ll gon’ sit here and play me like I’m the ghost of hip-hop’s past? I’m still relevant, bitches. And at the end of the day, I’m not hating I’m merely letting be known that ain’t nobody snatching my crown from me.

Should’ve told ya homegirl to quit taking subliminal shots at me. Let’s state facts. Fools is trying to say I started the shit, but she’s been taking shots at me and other girls in the industry.

I keep my ears to the streets. In fact, I keep those hoes extra clean so I can everything that’s going on.

Who the fuck want war?!

Did you kill the queen? NO YOU DIDN’T, HOE! I’m still here blasting Hardcore in my Sony Discman. BITCH, WHAT?!

It’s obvious I’m who she wants to be but she didn’t pay homage. Why couldn’t the bitch pay it, Coinstar?

I could’ve helped her! I’m a real fucking bitch and ain’t nothing fake about me. She could’ve rocked with me if she paid her homage bill. Deadbeat, hoe! You don’t want to pay it? Fine, I’ll be the bill collector.

Who the fuck want war?!

If you better tell these clowns to stop gassing up that Kim clown clone because at the end of the day she will never be like me. Have I mentioned that I made Hardcore?

That’s that real shit, the hood shit, that shit Nicki and her bra strap Drake could never know about it.

You know what I need help with?

I need you to help that bitch before I erase her social security number, her birth certificate, her dental records, and her Netflicks que.

Her stupid ass should’ve never listened to Foxy. Don’t she know Foxy ain’t but two unfilled prescriptions away from rocking a faux-fur straight jacket?

Speaking of fakes, how Diddy gon’ ass shot having alleged Kim replacement? I hope Biggie sits on him in his next dream. He know he ain’t right!

I’m gonna be nice because I’m queen and tell Nicki to watch her back because Diddy is a snake and he’ll bite you if you don’t be careful. Actually, I ain’t saying shit. I hope he bites her and leaves a mark.

Tell that bitch to say she’s sorry before I turn into Lil’ Kim Jong Il.

Love, wigs, and Biggie,


Dear Hardcore Harlot,

Oh dear. I’m not sure where even to begin.

Actually, I know. I’ll drop some coins in the homage jar first before we get into this.

As I mentioned to you when I met you, the lines, “I used to be scared of the dick now I throw lips to the shit” mean so much to me now and I’ll always be grateful to you for them.

However, darling, I was 12-years-old riding the school bus when your first album dropped. I’m less than two years away from my first high school reunion.

It’s like, girl, I know I seen you in the video (true), but got dammit that was 13 years ago. Boo.

We know Hardcore is a classic, but you performing songs from 1996 at a small gay clubs doesn’t mean we should all fall to our knees and praise you as if you gave birth to Jesus and/or Colonel Sanders.

Get a grip, Kim.

I have to say, you’ve really come to disappoint me. First off, I don’t particularly find Nicki Minaj in 2010 to be all that similar to you. These days Nicki looks more like Gwen Stefani’s indentured servant, a ratchet Judy Jetson, or Tokyo Diva’s annoying little sister who steals from her closet (wait…that’s what Tokyo said really happened, huh?).

When she first started, sure, she was definitely influenced by you. We noticed and she acknowledged it again and again. Is that not what homage is? Look up a word before you commit aggravated assault against it.

Maybe she did shy away from talking about you after a while, but perhaps that had more to do with her being uncomfortable with the level of raunchiness you became famous for because it has proven to have its limits in yielding the kind of success Nicki wants.

Did that ever dawn on you or were you too busy leading a séance to Biggie to ask for lines to include on “Black Friday?”

You know what, even if you do think Nicki Minaj is a mini-you, what is the big deal?

Michael Jackson didn’t break Usher and Justin Timberlake’s kneecaps. Madonna never put out a hit on Lady GaGa. Aaliyah’s ghost has allowed Ciara to sleep.

Why couldn’t you have used Nicki Minaj’s rising popularity to your benefit? Much of Nicki’s young fan base know little about you or your music and they now likely never will because you’re not the cool auntie, you’re the hating ass old lady sitting on the raggedy porch pissed off at the world.

Besides, if you really hated clones why have you recorded with Keyshia Cole and Beyoncé?! Riddle me that, Kim because I’m sure Mary J. Blige and the supreme titty tosser sure let those girls live and yet you want to talk about “Black Friday.”

That song has set you way back. Speaking of back, let’s break down some of the lines of that song.

Put hands on you.

You are the size of most normal-sized adults’ thumb. Quit it. No one is scared of you. Hell, I heard Faith Evans whooped your ass twice. Who the fuck want war…with Newark?

We all know your last name is how you got your job.

Says the woman who got her ass whooped by Faith because you were fucking her husband. You know, the man who made you in his image and his lyrical content.

Put together gimmick, something like a collage.

My introduction to you was a poster of you spread wide eagle with your overweight vagina filling out a leopard bikini bottom. You were then presented as a female Biggie and an oversexed rapstress donning multi-colored wigs.

Nigga, is that not a gimmick? What’s the matter? Are you upset your gimmick no longer sells? Oh bother. Eeyore.

This hood shit you and Drake ain’t built for.

Because I still like your music, let me catch you up to speed.

It is two thousand and fucking ten. This is the era of emo rap. Drake and Kanye West are at the top of the heap. Clearly, that bang bang shoot ‘em up hood shit ain’t popping like that no more.

That’s only the only people who really care about your unenthusiastic flow on this old “Simon Says” are people still clinging to the days when they could identify with the musical movements.

That’s cute but the problem is the rest of the world doesn’t give a fuck.

Ain’t enough ass shots in the world.

You are Lil’ Kim. Who in the hell do you think you are talking about anyone’s cosmetic operations?

On a “good day” you look like you’re working undercover to find out who framed Roger Rabbit!!!!

On a bad one you look like a transgendered version of Miss Swan. You know damn well you can’t talk about anyone’s appearance.

What is wrong with you? You’re going to fuck around and have Nicki heighten your already notorious issues with color. Stand down before she hurts your feelings and you go for another consultation.

I’m serious, black woman, you keep this up and this will be your future:

You are warned.

Pussy so pink that my kitty saying hello.

And this is why Nicki Minaj stopped talking about you in press in order to avoid further comparisons. I saw a picture of you about a year ago in a dress that made you look like a can of Sunkist. Not only that, but you had no draws on so your saggy vagina was on full display. You’re 35, mama. That’s not cute and no one wants to replicate that.

You used to be an amazingly beautiful woman and on a good day, you can still tell. However, ain’t nobody trying to sell their coochie in their mid-30s in the ageist society we live in.

These days you and this hood hoe shit you’re still on are about as appealing as a 56k modem.

Like I’m a thing of the past?

Unless you come out with something else, you are. I don’t get you. Mary’s selling fragrances and doing movies, Puffy has two background singers that follow his every mouth, and Jay-Z is like the one black guy all white people know besides Barack Obama. And you’re releasing diss tracks to latest hot chick, which is very unqueen like to many.

You and your deluded fan base (who will no doubt run up in my comments section and treat this shit like I’m the Blood to their Crips) can talk about this song all you want, but in the end Nicki Minaj is setting records, snatching titles, and building on her movement.

You can continue whining about it all you want, but “at the end of the day” you’re not stopping her show. You’re only soiling your legacy. As of now your catalog certainly topples hers, but no one likes a sore loser. You seem in a tizzy that the world is talking about Nicki Minaj, but honestly even if we weren’t we wouldn’t have much to say about you right now given you haven’t been hot in years. That’s your fault, not hers.

Thank you for Hardcore, but girl shut up.


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