Debbie and Devin Doomsdayer

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By the time I reached middle school I was convinced the world was going to end two minutes before I went off to college. The fear can largely be attributed to apocalypse-themed specials such as these, which I was often coerced into watching. I love my mother dearly, but she used to freak me the fuck out by having me these specials.

When you’re a young child dreaming about the kind of life you’d like to lead once you’re older (and in my case, dreams were certainly necessary), the last thing you need is the suggestion that yearning for such a better existence is in vain given the world was soon going to shit.

Through the years poll after poll has revealed that most Americans believe that Jesus Christ will make his return in their lifetime. As most Christians know, Jesus isn’t one for an uneventful entrance or exit so naturally all hell must break loose before Heaven opens up to send him to Earth a second time around. That’s why these specials aired on various broadcast and cable networks have fared so well.

If you believe in the Rapture and feel strongly that it will occur sooner rather than later, fine. However, my issue with such a belief is that depending on how pressed you are about the apocalypse you’re inclined to be so consumed by it that you will look for signs of doom at every turn. More pointed: You will create signs of the end out of every damn thing.

Say, some dead birds falling from the sky.

Okay, so when I first heard about this via ‘the Twitter’ I found it rather strange, too. My first instinct wasn’t “Get right with Jesus” as demanded by various members of Twitter. Not to say that that you shouldn’t get right with Jesus and stuff, but it seems like with all this talk of pollution, changing weather (i.e. weird patterns, more severe storms) maybe folks ought to finally start considering to get right with Captain Planet. Taking care of the Earth God allowed you to roam rent free sounds about right anyway, no?

The conversation shifting to environmental responsibility over religious conspiracy theories would be too much like right, though. Instead, everyone stuck with the former and proceeded to begin prophesying all of these horrible scenarios – many of which seemed to be pulled from the same place they sit on.

“Blood will fall from the sky next.”

“Disease will spread.”

“Global war is next.”

“Kim Kardashian’s album will go platinum.”

And on and on these downers went.

My goodness, can you not make everything out to be a sign of the presumed end of the world? It’s giving me flashbacks to viewing habits I’d rather not revisit.

The doomsday criers got even louder after stories of dead fish in New Zealand and other parts of the world spread.

Enter the likes of ex-child stars turned religious zealots for profit Born Again Christians were asked to chime in:

With all due respect to my beloved, Anderson Cooper, why is he talking to Kirk Cameron about dead birds falling out of the sky? What exactly can the former star of Growing Pains credibly say on the matter? I’d rather Anderson spoke with one of Colonel Sanders’ vegetarian great grandchildren about this than him.

To be fair to Kirk, even he didn’t know why he asked to appear on CNN. By the way, I’ve also seen parts of one of his Left Behind movies. It almost makes me want to become a fiction writer.

Anyway, a friend posted the following on Twitter about the birds falling from the sky:

dear crazies: “the US geological survey has noted 16 incidents in the past 30 years where more than 1000 blackbirds have died at once……usually the result of tightly-packed flocks flying into bad weather.” — now please miss me with your bible-thumping.

Mind you, this is coming from the kin of actual clergymen.

Anyway, as for the fish it appears it’s either an instance of foul play in the vein of some fisherman dumping dead fish somewhere or fish starving due to weather conditions.

See there, we need to be praying to God that Captain Planet’s homeboy, Kwame, calls up the crew and ride out on these nature evildoers versus using social media to plug the rapture like the latest mixtape to download.

I noticed that for many of the people going in about all of us going out, they didn’t even bother to read the actual story. They just saw the headline (probably abridged at that) and went, “Dead birds are falling means Jesus is a-coming!” Goodness, ya’ll.

Please stop squawking about the ominous end because one sad story (you likely didn’t read in full, if at all) about some dead birds falling from the sky confused you.

When Jesus decides to come back, I’m sure he’ll let us know by way of Facebook (because he’s older).

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