Stop Bringing Up Beyoncé

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Some people just don’t know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em. Or to be a lot less eloquent about it, some people simply don’t know when to shut the fuck up. That’s why if I were handing out muzzles I’d rush to toss one to Keri Hilson. For her own damn good.

Arguably against my better judgment, I still try to like this stranger. She may reek of self-importance and often ooze of the kind of over eagerness that makes you recall the people you didn’t want sitting at your table during lunch, but I want to like her anyway.

Mainly because for all her faults – and if you haven’t kept up, they’re largely all rooted in her personality – she has some decent songs. Plus, as I noted before she is trying. Perhaps too hard, but it’s better than nothing.

That said, she won’t let me like her because she refuses to shut up.

Okay, so I get that Keri can apparently talk about it because she knows that she’s pretty. However, what happens when the person she keeps talking about is prettier than her?

It’s a little after 5 p.m. on a Saturday, and the Morehouse/Spelman Homecoming is in full swing. “I don’t want to live like a prisoner,” she says, tweeting her whereabouts from her BlackBerry. Hilson is famous now, especially in her hometown of Atlanta, and she has almost a million followers on Twitter, which means it’s a matter of minutes before people start sticking their phones in her face to snap pictures. Being famous may mean she gets her makeup done before she goes to a barbecue, and that a stylist will help her decide between the black cutoffs and the blues, but, as she points out, she’s here without an entourage and security. “I mean, can you imagine Beyoncé doing this?”

Case in point.

You would think after all the flack Keri caught for not so subliminally dissing Beyoncé in that remix to “Turnin’ Me On” and then pretending as if the song never existed she would learn to not mention the girl’s name anymore.

She just can’t help herself, though. That’s a pity as it seems that after a while most decided to let bygones be bygones and let her make it.

So what does she do? She goes and makes these veiled references about women who just so happen to sound a lot like Beyoncé — reminding people all about that whole drama all over again. You know, like when she told Chelsea Handler that she couldn’t date a rapper because she’s so smart. And in this VIBE cover story, Keri just randomly brings up Beyoncé outright.

Some people will likely dismiss the comment, but others will perceive this to be yet another diss.

By now stans are likely flooding Keri’s replies on Twitter after declaring full out Beehad.

I imagine that tweets like something like:

“So what you trying to say, [redacted]?! Beyoncé ain’t real enough to hang with the common folk?! SO WHAT [REDACTED]! SHE AIN’T COMMON LIKE YOUR WACK [REDACTED], [REDACTED] ANYWAY, [REDACTED]!.”

And that’s a mild version. Anyway, regardless as to whether or not it’s a diss (sure sounds like it to me, though), Keri is incorrect:


Instead of making poorly advised comments about Beyoncé presumably not being able to travel without a bodyguard and/or entourage, Keri should be focused on the fact that Beyoncé doing the wobble on a random street in Jersey ethers every bit of choreography she has tried to do within the last two years — including that video where she sent her crotch into a state of shock.

Keri, I would really like to like you. Your B-Sides are pretty dope and your sophomore album is growing on me. But in order for that to happen, Keri, you’ve got to stop talking.

It does you no good.

Like ever.

Trust me.

Why do you keep bringing her up anyway? You’re giving me, “SELENAS! SELENAS!” vibes..

Even beyond Beyoncé you often come across as stank when you speak. But, the more you keep talking about Beyoncé, you look petty and jealous on stop of stank. None of that is helpful to you considering not only is the person you’re talking about prettier than you, she sings better than you and is a much better performer.

The only way you could beat Beyoncé right now was if you tapped Ursula The Sea Witch on her shoulder and conjured up on a plot on that Creole ass.

Wait, Mama Tina would probably crack Ursula’s skull with her left thigh if she even got within ten feet of her baby. Nevermind. You lose, Hilson.

So fall back.

Stop bringing Beyoncé up. Even if you mean no harm – which I don’t actually believe, but I’ll pretend to be drunk this very second on your behalf – it still comes across poorly. Just stop bringing Beyoncé up.

Beyoncé is here and…



No, keep looking down.

Almost there.

Not quite.

Just a little bit more.


We’re close.

A few more steps.


Here we go.

Grab your flashlight.

…you’re down here.

Why? It’s due to Beyoncé’s sizable fan base consistently kicking you in the head.

If someone is at the top of their game, the last thing you would want to do is seem shady towards them. Don’t they teach you all anything in media training anymore or are you that pretty they let you skip all of the classes?

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