No One Cares Anymore, Foxy

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When I was around the age of seven, maybe eight a friend of mine by the name of Squirrel played the hell out of me in my own sister’s car after I used the word “fresh” to describe something. I don’t remember what exactly I was referring to, but I do vividly recall pulling out the Sharpstown Mall parking lot and Squirrel immediately laughing at me before saying, “Man, don’t nobody say ‘fresh’ no more. We say ‘tight.’ You sounding real lame right now.”

Or something to that effect. Either way, you get the point: The lil’ bastard My friend shaded me in the name of keeping me current.

At the time, I wanted to smack the nuts out of his mouth (I assume this is the portion of the tale where I say ‘pause’ or something, goofy asses). In hindsight, though, Squirrel was right to call me out on being dated. Sometimes, you need someone to be a real friend and tell you that the words coming out of your mouth are two paces behind everyone else.

Which leads me to Lil’ Kim and Foxy Brown.

You’ve already heard me call out Kimberly Jones on multiple occasions for being an embittered buzzard who ought to be filing suit against her plastic surgeon for using Mum-Ra as a muse while molding her face instead of embarrassing herself by waging an unwinnable war with Nicki Minaj.

It’s Foxy Brown’s turn now.

I played the track and made out like three words of it. Perhaps there’s a better copy of it floating around, but as of now it sounds like the song was recorded on a TalkBoy.

For those of you unfamiliar, it’s the recording device popularized by Michael Jackson BFF and star of Home Alone, Macaulay Culkin:

There.

Then again, it doesn’t really matter what device the song was recorded on. The problem is the song should have never been recorded.

I used to be a really big Foxy Brown fan. Regardless of how you feel about her personal behavior, the girl had skills. When you listen to songs like “Affirmative Action” or albums like the unfortunately slept on Broken Silence, it’s evident. The same can be said about “Bang Bang,” where she lyrically destroyed Lil’ Kim.

But like Kimberly once you consider where Foxy used to be as an artist it only makes you realize how much the mighty have fallen whenever you listen to a post career peak track of hers

Even worse, you just as quickly realize how much of a time warp these two are both stuck in. I don’t know who is in Foxy’s ear (no, I am not making a hearing aid joke here — quit it), but they need to find another life to further ruin.

If it were 1997 and I was still in science class fighting off an erection from a boy named Kenneth, I would be blasting this song on my wannabe Sony Discman as I wait for the yellow bus to take me home.

Unfortunately, 14 years have passed and Kenneth got married while I’m dropping a couple hundred on new tires for my car, Cameka.

Basically: I am an adult now.

Last time I checked, so were Inga and Kimberly.

Why is it that I could learn to let go of the word “fresh” at the age of seven or eight but these two can’t let go of petty rap beefs in their 30s?

Foxy Brown should be spending her days on someone’s couch figuring out where she went wrong and following that up with a few laps around the borough. Meanwhile, Lil’ Kim should be leading a scavenger hunt to find her self-esteem.

Or something else. Something that say, helps preserve their increasingly soiled legacies.

Foxy, I don’t know where Squirrel is these days but I want to pay homage to him and let you know that you sound lame as hell right now.

No one cares about you dissing Lil’ Kim anymore. Why? Because Kim ain’t hot anymore. And I hate to say it, but if she isn’t hot anymore then you know you’re a walking Igloo.

You don’t need to create new disses and rehash old beefs that people haven’t put much energy into in nearly a decade. That’s not going to make you hot again. All that’s going to do is remind people of why they’re happy we have Nicki Minaj now (and hopefully others to follow).

Besides, these days the best Kim diss tracks are the songs of her own creation. Yes, I heard “Clap Clap.” I imagine the ghost of whoever created applauding will be haunting all of those fools in due time.

Anyway, it’s bad enough that Kim doesn’t realize when to let go and adapt to the new new. We didn’t need you to become Exhibit B, Boogie.

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