Feelin’ It
I have never felt more defeated in my life than I did yesterday.
Yesterday, I started my day with a phone call that quickly resulted in me spending two hours of my life crying on the phone with two separate student loan companies. I do not like to cry. Ever. As I broke down over the phone I admitted to myself and out loud that I felt humiliated.
Not only that, I felt less of a man and I honestly haven’t the slightest idea how to move forward. After those phone calls, I honestly just wanted to give up on everything.
And when I say give up, I mean really end it.
I’ve talked about my issues with student loans before — most notably in a piece for The Root. There I admitted my own financial mistakes and how I feel trapped by them.
I have tried really, really hard to be responsible and own up to the mistakes I made taking out private loans to fund my education. This has resulted in me going without so many things.
Going without the dream job offer I actually went to college for. Going without a car for much longer than most people do. Going without any real vacation. Going without working jobs that may reap better long-term benefits because they didn’t produce the short-term benefits I needed them to. Going without many of the things that would make my life happier.
Even despite all of this I’ve tried to remain as positive as I could be. Much of that has to do with me holding on to my dream. The dream that I would ultimately get to do all the things I planned to and one day these stressful times will be over.
And just when I feel like I’m on the path towards that dream, these loans remind me of how much a hindrance they are in me obtaining such a reality.
Sometimes it becomes so unbearable. I talked to my sister yesterday and she was right in pointing out after all of the bullshit we’ve been through, I cannot let this have so much control over me and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself about it.
I can’t help it, though, because I feel like such an idiot and a slave to my own stupid decisions. All I wanted to do was go off to a school that I thought would help me lead a better life and ultimately share that with my family.
I don’t feel close to that at all after yesterday and I’m embarrassed about it.
To make a long story short, another error on my part has resulted in payments that were essentially a car loan soar back to a mortgage size payment the way the lender originally intended. I could swear I told a then customer service rep that I’d like to choose the four-year interest only option over the the two-year one, but it doesn’t matter. Their system says otherwise and they don’t care.
They don’t care that I had to return home after college for a while to figure things out and give them whatever minuscule amount of money I did make at the time. They don’t care that as a result of that I sunk into a deep depression. To the point where I sometimes would drink early in the day while wallowing in self-pity. Then later fighting off what were later explained to me as panic attacks. Panic attacks that would sometimes take place while I was driving. Panic attacks I would later be prescribed an anti-depressant for.
They don’t care immediately after getting off the phone with them this morning I returned to thoughts of killing myself because I just couldn’t entertain thoughts of continued fights anymore.
They don’t care that I’m still crying even as I type this. Nor do they care that despite my shortcomings I have worked relentlessly to be financially responsible.
I’ve spent my entire life trying to be happy despite feeling like everything around me worked against that. It gets so tiring after awhile. They don’t care about that either.
I swear that I’m a good person and I promise you that I work very hard to stay up on every bill. I really think I’m doing my best, and yesterday I was reminded that it wasn’t good enough. Now I feel an even greater distraction from working on what’s necessary to get me where I really want to be because I’m even more bound to do shit that I hate to survive.
Some people might use this against me when I write another post. Do whatever you feel. I’m writing this just as a release. I feel bad that at this point in my life I should be able to take care of my family, not potentially have to ask them to go without to help me. I feel like the biggest sucker for it.
I didn’t want to get up this morning. I didn’t want to even get up yesterday. I had a sneaking suspicion things weren’t going to work out the way I want them to. One reason I wanted to give up completely is due to my fear that no matter how hard I try, it may never work out the way I hope it will. When you have always had such lofty dreams for yourself and no one has ever really told you it can’t happen, there’s a lot of internal pressure there to succeed.
And really, that is all I really want. I genuinely think I can do some amazing things if given the opportunity and I would not be selfish about it. But, the means in which I took in order to be on the path towards that have strangled me. And sometimes, it just seems like it was all for naught and that I’ll forever be ruined by it.
My mom has told me repeatedly in the last two years that she sees great things for me and she knows that they will come, but she shouldn’t be the one to tell me that. I have to have believe it. This is usually followed by her cue for me to go back to church. It’s not that I don’t believe in myself, but maybe over the years I just feel beaten down — clinging to hope but wondering when the better I hope for will come.
And then there are days like yesterday where every fear and every doubt I have internalized but not spoke out about out loud consume me. To the point where I react in a way that scares people. Even myself sometimes.
I know that I have to keep believing, but sometimes things feel so cloudy and I worry. Even more than I usually do.
Here’s to hoping things get better and by hitting ‘publish’ on this post, here’s to hoping I find better means to deal with things when they aren’t.
Edit: I initially regretted putting this up because y’know, I never like to let people see me sweat and some people’s comments can be, uh, unpleasant to read. However, after reading some of the comments here and other places I am glad I left it up. In any event, thank you all for your kind words. No, I am not going to hurt myself. I’ll be fine, but I needed a release. Now before I get to babbling again, let me just end it with thank you. Really. It’s appreciated.
Don’t worry yourself bro, this is only a temporary affliction, things will get better for you and when it’s over you look back wipe your brow and say whewww, over it…and smile…
Thank you for sharing this. I’m sitting here thinking of something else to say and I can’t find the right words. I understand. I know it seems bad now but it’ll get better.
This piece really hit home, because my cousin recently attempted suicide. Thank god the pills she took didn’t work and she is sitll here with us. I just want to say keep ya head up, and pray. He is here for you and I and always we have to do sometimes is lean on him. Easier said than done sometimes I know, but it really does help. I wish you all the success in the world and this is just an obstacle that I’m sure will pass. Keep shooting for the stars, and I know you will reach the moon. Don’t give up. You inspire so many and I know you make an impact on my life everytime I read this blog. So keep up the good work. And pray and just keep up the good fight, you can do it Michael
*Sorry correction: He is here for you and I and all we have to do sometimes is lean on him.
I thought for quite a while about what to say on this post because I don’t want to say something trite. From reading your blog and other pieces that you’ve written I can see that tenacity and determination have gotten you through many things and they can again. You have so much to offer, I check this blog constantly and follow you on twitter just to get a slice. Hope you feel better soon, much love xxx
Please keep your head up!
It is difficult being a young adult trying to make a way for yourself and do everything that you are told to do to reach a dream or a goal, its hard, really really hard…but there is always sunshine through the rain.
There are a lot of different options that you can possibly look at to get from under the private loans. Private loans tend to not be as flexible and they can be extremely heartless and down right mean when you are trying to work through things but there are options and ways to get out of the hooks…
Please feel free to email me and I’d be more than willing to try and help. I know you don’t know me from a ball in the sky but if I can help I definitely will
“They don’t care that as a result of that I sunk into a deep depression. To the point where I sometimes would drink early in the day while wallowing in self-pity. Then later fighting off what were later explained to me as panic attacks. Panic attacks that would sometimes take place while I was driving. Panic attacks I would later be prescribed an anti-depressant for. They don’t care immediately after getting off the phone with them this morning I returned to thoughts of killing myself because I just couldn’t entertain thoughts of continued fights anymore.”
Okay sir, this just disturbed the shit outta me. This has to be deeper than some student loans. I’m a natural worryer as well, had anxiety for as long as i can remember, so i can relate. What’s in you(us) that causes such serious overreactions?(no disrespect)
I too am not going to waste your time with cliches. I have friends that are in very similar situations because of where they chose to undergrad. And it is worth it. I feel like we go through these things, so that when we do get to where we want to be (because we will), we can truly appreciate what it took and keep some kind of perspective regarding our success.
All you can do is take it one day at a time and lean on your support system.
I’ve read your work for a long time and have always appreciated the nuanced and insightful things you have to say. Keep your head up. A lot of people are out here struggling these days, caught in the system, the cycle of poverty. But you have all the tools at your disposal to make it to the highest levels of your peer group and profession: natural talent, intellect, a distinctive literary voice.
The universe gives to those who ask.
Just keep asking and eventually what you seek/a way out of your situa. will come.
I used to feel the same way about alot of things in my life, but as cliche as it sounds, i read Pablo Coehlo ‘the alchemist’ & i realized things will fall together.
So theres my peice of advice.
Stay strong brother. I am a slave to some of the misguided decisions I have made in my life. I don’t go a day without thinking about how I should have done things differently. I don’t know you personally, but I know you are a talented writer who is capable of achieving great things. Despite your feelings about R.Kelly, I still respect you and appreciate your work ethic. That is saying a lot, because R.Kelly is a demigod in my eyes. All you can do is focus on the future and try not to make any more mistakes. Lord knows we already have WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY to many brothers and sisters who give up on their dreams.
I can’ t promise that it will get better but I can say you are not in this alone. From the decision of attending a private university, being the 1st female in my family to graduate college, choosing a degree of my dream & not reality, the private loans….feeling like i don’t know which way is up….I feel you!
Please hang in there!
So I know this was more for u than it was for us, but I want to thank u for baring your soul as you have. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one going thru the hardest shit I’ve ever had to deal with in my fucking life. Currently 2 years unemployed, hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, lacking in confidence in my ability to get back to work in general let alone in my educated profession, and to top it off, my health seems to be going to shit..
I’ve never been suicidal however and I assume that’s because I’ve gotten really good at saying “fuck it”.. but I understand the mentality.. and I suppose it’s one or the other.. u ignore your problems until they kill you or you kill yourself. The one thing I keep coming back to tho is where I could be. I could be a Ted Williams on the side of the road except my voice is more annoying than velvety smooth so that would be a fail.. And as long as I’m not dead or broken, I got a chance of winning.
So yeah, man. I’m glad u got it out. U gotta let yourself feel that shit sometimes. But don’t let it destroy you. Please please please don’t. In addition to family, friends, and us readers, future you will be mad as fuck. I’m rootin’ for you and myself and I’m certain we will both make it out of this. I’ll race u there..
This right here is heartbreaking. I know it seems like past decisions are holding your future hostage right now. But when things get overwhelming it gets, difficult to think clearly. And sometimes you have to depend on others to help redirect your view on what your future can be. When our minds drive us to “cannot”, we have to remember to keep ourselves around those who can help focus on the “can”.
I definitely don’t want to minimize your experience. It sounds incredible painful. But the struggle will pay off.
I am not used to this from you but I am so glad that you trust your readers enough to be open and honest. I too go through these things with student loans and feeling like I have to take 10 steps forward for every 3 that I backslid on or for parts of my life that I was not the most responsible. IT DOES GET BETTER IT DOES!
Normally I read what you offer, have a chuckle, tweet it and keep it moving. Today I will do that same however I felt bound to leave a comment. I too am in debt up to my ears with students loans, car loan, mortgage and the like. I feel you on this one babe. I read and appreciate every word you wrote. My heart sank as I thought about having the very same experiences and thoughts you have expressed. Your courage to share in this manner is incredible. I am just too out done and ever so grateful for this offering.
I am a single mother (divorced) trying to provide my children an opportunity to become whatever they wish without compromise. I sacrafice day in and day out like my mother did. I am truly alone with every burdon to accompany that notion. My ex-husband is still mad that I divorced him and thus continues to be a butthole so he doesn’t contribute financially or emotionally to his children. That’s okay G*d don’t like ugly and ain’t to fond of pretty either.
I am getting my ass kicked on every turn and I wonder what the hell is it all for right? I know how you feel becasue I’ve been talked off the *ledge* a time or two. Some folks just don’t understand how it really feels to be standing *right there* at that moment and I hope they never do. Your words touched me today. I hope and pray all the best for your continued brilliance.
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I know where you are. Just a couple years ago I was diagnosed with manic depressive disorder, so I know that depression is a very real thing and I’m praying for you. I’ve read this blog for some time now and I know we haven’t met, but I would be a bit heartbroken if you suddenly went away. You make me smile on my bad days.
I can honestly say I know where you’re coming from.
Even though I went to a state school, I was foolish enough to take out loans so that I could study abroad and see what was really out there. While that experience and not having fear of leaving my surroundings helped me land a job overseas, it also makes me feel trapped here, mainly because it’s cheaper for me to live in the People’s Republic of China doing a job I’m not passionate about than to be home with family and friends or in a kick-ass grad school program. I pay back Sallie Mae every month, but it seems like her balance just doesn’t seem to go down, even when I take my extra ten dollars and try to pay above the minimum payment just like Suze Orman taught me.
It is a ship that is almost impossible to escape without some miracle happening. I look forward to the day where I get a better job and paying student loans won’t be such of a burden (nearly a quarter of my salary every month at the minimum), but I do believe that, yes, the dreams I’ve had since I was a small child will come to pass. The job market is hard, prices are going up, yet God has a plan for all of us. Trust and believe in yourself and in your talents, and you will see the right doors open up when you need them to.
I read you often, but rarely speak, but today you spoke to my heart. Thanks for being honest about what drowning really feels like. It’ll get better, for all of us 2000s graduates.
Thank you for sharing this moment. As a current state university student I def feel you, and see things are only going to get tougher. Yet, as an aspiring music journalist I look at your writing- style, voice, perspective as a bible. I check out your work religiously. Your are by far one of my favorite writers.
I know this moment may seem overwhelming and I don’t poses the power to say it’ll get any better. What I will say is you have so much to live for, you have affected many lives just through outlets like thecynicalones. You have inspired me.
Keep your head up! You’re a winner!
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m sure all can identify because the fact is the system is set up to keep us financial slaves. Almost any of us who choose to go to college will graduate with 10,000 in debt at the least. What a great way to begin your adult life, right?
Hunny get like the folks in the hood and tell them..” when i get it… you’ll get it” and hang up. thats how i got through mines. Don’t worry yourself, just remind yourself that there are others that are going through bigger problems then this. This to shalls pass. Huggs!
Stupid Captcha code caused my comment to be erased.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your writing will continue to open doors for you; I hope you can come above water with this.
I deferred my loans for awhile (or some of them since they sold loans all over the place and it’s exceedingly difficult to organize exactly what you owe) and it’s hanging over my head like the Reaper’s Scythe. I hate the way former students are treated regarding loans.
Hi Michael–I’m one of your faithful readers who never leaves a comment–if I promise to leave more comments, will you promise not to hurt yourself? Pretty please? The world needs you…where would I be without “I Need Answers?” I found your blog two years ago after a bad break-up and IT MADE MY DAY! We need your phenomenal writing skills, scathing humor, and insightful dialogue to keep us going. As a fellow student loan slave (with one too many deferments and just plain not paying!), I feel your pain, but know that IT WILL GET BETTER! Keep your head up! Praying for you. God bless.
for some reason i thought you lived by the “fuck it” code when it comes to dumb sh1t like loans or jobs or whatever. i know i do, i’m not letting any of that b.s. get to me and you shouldn’t either, dude!!!
i concur w/ what SUNSHINE said, tell them you ain’t got it and that you can’t get blood from a turnip!!
i also want to tell you to not give up and just find other positive things to focus on b/c life could be much worse, i know that sounds clichéd and all but clichés are clichés for a reason! lol
have you looked into consolidating your loans or something or just plain filing for bankruptcy? people do it all the time and they recover. also you could go to a credit union or financial advisor and talk to them about your situation and see if they can help you or give you some advice.
but most importantly, don’t give up try not to let things like this get to you too much. i know sometimes it’s hard to see past you what you’re going through immediately but you have to and you have to put things into perspective. whenever i’m going through something difficult and feeling like i can’t overcome it or something i think about the last big problem i had and i how i got through that….perspective— put things in perspective.
I am glad to see that as of your edit you are feeling at least a little better. Please keep your head up, you are a damn good writer with a good head on his shoulders and a lot of potential. I wanted to write something longer and more inspiring but my words are just getting tangled so i’ll keep it short and wish you all the best.
** hug **
I just wanted to say that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I also have a high debt of student loans and they are in deferment right now..but I know I will have to pay for them eventually. I am hoping and praying that I can find a job to make payments. I totally understand where you are coming from…but I know that things will eventually get better and I wish you the best in all of your plans. You are a very gifted and talented writer and I know your talent will land you a great job. Keep climbing and keep the faith.
Hey Cynic,
I’ve been enjoying your blog for over a year now and I usually walk away chuckling at the foolishness in society (in myself and others); happy to see someone doggedly following their dream; and inspired to write more myself. Even if you cannot feel it right now, you are so much more than a debit machine for your creditors.
So, I was concerned when you originally posted this post. I believe you when you say that you are not going to hurt yourself. And I like others say that you must stay positive and trust that this time will pass.
Still, I am concerned. I don’t know what type of support system you have, but as someone who has gone through depressive periods, I would also recommend that you speak to a mental health counselor. What I have learned is that by the time I am shouting/asking for others to notice my pain, I am normally at a crisis – very low depressive period. Only you know if this post was indicative of a one time venting session or if its part of a escalating pattern.
Still, check out a counselor. Universities often have clinic programs that offer services on a sliding income. Also some professionals offer their services on a sliding basis.
Take care.
I am praying for you. I too have massive student loan debt. I get the crazy heartless phone calls. All this education and can barely find a job that pays well. So smart yet so dumb. I’ve come to terms that I’m going to be in debt for quite some time. Sometimes it gets me really down. Sometimes it pisses me off. But it is temporary. The loans won’t last forever. You can’t change your past mistakes. You can only control your attitude and how you deal with the future. Things will get better for you. Nothing in this world is worth hurting yourself over. You are blessed with wonderful writing skills and you are very funny. I enjoy reading your work.
Michael, it’s so heartbreaking to read a story that I feel I’ve heard hundreds of times. So many people from normal/modest backgrounds get themselves into a heap of debt simply by chasing an education. Until recently, your situation in the US was way worse than us in the UK, although with our new Govt., the price of an education is gradually catching up to what it is for you guys. Anyway i digress….
Similarly, we chase the dream of a great education because we are led to believe that we will be able to pay for it once we finish. Unfortunately, for a lot of people it doesn’t work out this way and a whole industry has built itself up around preying on the naivety of young people trying to pay for their education. I can’t offer you a solution any more than you can buy me a house, but what I can tell you is the following:
- until they lock you up, you should never stop chasing your dream
- you are already doing amazing work (the Root FFS) that is read around the world
- don’t feel bad for relying on support from your family, that’s what they’re for
- as a fellow gay, you have a few years (maybe more than a decade’s) grace to get yourself out of this situation, compared with your average hetero homemaker
- and lastly- lay off Lil’ Kim!
Just Kidding, keep doing you dude x
Thank you for this post. I know its easier said than done, but please count your blessings and keep moving forward. You’re lucky you got your degree, I have two friends each 80-100k in the hole from school loans and neither of them even made it graduation. Working 80+ hours a week just to try to get back in school and work towards their dreams. Its a damn shame because they’re both very intelligent and gifted (one in music, the other in dance), but they may never be able to experience their true potential because schools care more about money than grades. I too know what its like to see my friends in new cars, on vacations, in nice apartments, while I’m going without. Its tough, but you have to just keep living and hope that one day you can look back on your poor days and laugh.
Whoa! I’ve been following your blog for awhile. Don’t do anything drastic. You’ve just got financially fucked over (pardon my language). It has happened to me, you, and lots of people too. Learn from your mistake and it will make you that much stronger. Banks, loans, credit card people love the young (25 and under). For the most part they don’t ask questions and sign on the dotted line. Let this experience financially empower you.
How?
Ask questions. Document everything. Keep receipts. Love her or hate her Suze Orzman writes really reader friendly financial books. Check out Young, Fabulous, and Broke. Excellent read when you are learning about your finances. Next, I’m assuming your still in LA. You know your in the hustle capital of the world right? Earn that side hustle money. Your an excellent writer. Write resumes, term paper for those USC students with daddy’s money in their pocket. Take a hold of the opportunity in the land of LA.
Imma keep you in my prayers. Let this be the beginning of great things.
Michael, there is so much I’d love to say to you in regards to how you were feeling before and after you wrote this entry, but I’m too big of a coward to type it here. Just know that I can relate to those feelings of exasperation and exhaustion and fear and fuck-this-shit-i’m-so-over-this-shit more than you’ll ever, ever know from this vague ass reply, and when the Chick Fil A on Sunset & Highland has its grand opening later this year, I’ma be out there looking for my fave. skinny Black sarcastic jiggin’ Beyonce & Teedra loving Houstonian writer dude so I can give him a hug. And a free order of nuggets. You deserve much more than that for the reality & entertainment you & this blog provide.
But I hope you’ll take the nuggets, anyway.
There are a lot of people struggling with the same issues. I so understand how you feel. There have been many nights that I have awaken from a sound sleep worrying about how I would pay this bill or that bill. Its hard to truly believe something will get better when it only gets worse. Its almost impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel when its always darkness in front of you. Believe me when I say it will get better if you believe it will. It may not be today, tomorrow, or this year but it does get better.
I’m a little late to the party and I did read the updated portion of this entry. I am trilled to read that you are in better spirits and want you to know that everything will get better. How do I know you ask, because I was there. Judging from most of the comments, I think a lot of us were “there;” a very dark and lonely place. Too tired of fighting and hoping, but guess what? You’ve already moved on, you posted since then and in normal form, you’re whitty and poignant with just a splash of hood. I still haven’t reached my goals and yes, there are many days when I feel my dreams are slipping through my fingers, but I dont let that bad spirit win. My abuela used to say, “the devil stays busy” and yes he does, but Jesus always sits his five dollar ass down and makes change for all of those who have faith. Continue to be a good person and good to those who love you…it will all pay off and you will be a much better man overall.
BTW – I love that new J. Lo song, too!