Stop Bringing Up Beyoncé

Some people just don’t know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em. Or to be a lot less eloquent about it, some people simply don’t know when to shut the fuck up. That’s why if I were handing out muzzles I’d rush to toss one to Keri Hilson. For her own damn good.

Arguably against my better judgment, I still try to like this stranger. She may reek of self-importance and often ooze of the kind of over eagerness that makes you recall the people you didn’t want sitting at your table during lunch, but I want to like her anyway.

Mainly because for all her faults – and if you haven’t kept up, they’re largely all rooted in her personality – she has some decent songs. Plus, as I noted before she is trying. Perhaps too hard, but it’s better than nothing.

That said, she won’t let me like her because she refuses to shut up.

Okay, so I get that Keri can apparently talk about it because she knows that she’s pretty. However, what happens when the person she keeps talking about is prettier than her?

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Playing The Blame Game With Palin

From my latest Aol News piece:

I’m sure Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill., meant well when he told CNN’s Candy Crowley that when it comes to correlating the shooting of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, D-Ariz., and nearly 20 others with the recent violent rhetoric of certain political factions and figures, “I don’t think you can ever make the direct connection.”

We have done so before, though. In the 1990s, it was commonplace for politicians of both parties to chastise rappers like Ice-T and rockers like Marilyn Manson for the violent imagery and lyrical content that politicians felt they promoted and link them to the violent acts of others.

Why not now?

There are over 1500 comments on the piece. I don’t even want to know what’s being said, but give the subject and audience I can imagine quite a few folks can’t tolerate criticism of Palin and the Tea Party.

Surely someone took me saying that Sarah Palin and the Tea Party’s use of violent rhetoric imagery incite the loons of the country to take arms translates to, “Sarah Palin drove Jared Loughner to Wal-Mart to buy his gun.”

Oh bother.

Click here to read more.

I Need Answers

1. Could someone explain to Foxy Minaj Brown that a female rapper – an aging one at that – using the word faggot is about as smart as giving the president of PETA a gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse on her birthday?

2. Is anyone else hoping that we’ll get a side-by-side shot of Lil’ Kim and LaToya Jackson sometime in the near future?

3. Even though it was an obvious fake press release, who else read the story about Omarion being bisexual and shrugged, “And water is still wet?”

Bonus: Does asking that question totally nix my chances of having sex with him?

4.  Can someone go ahead and rent Girl, Interrupted for Raz-B so we can get the rehabilitation process started already?

5. Now that her debut album is certified platinum, what do you Nicki Minaj naysayers have to say for yourselves now?

6. If you don’t know much about Lil’ Boosie should you be allowed to use the word “ratchet?”

7. Must Jennifer Hudson always scream at us?

8. How much more will it take to get Team Breezy to stage a Twittervention for Chris Brown?

9. When Lauryn Hill tells the crowd that it’s okay to wait three days to see her perform, do you think God is somewhere thinking, “Bitch, get out of my seat?”

10. She’s a cute girl, but who else thinks it would do Royce Reed some good if she went playing in her sister Lisa Turtle’s closet?


11. How can people not love Camille Grammer?

12. At this point wouldn’t it be great if Chilli just started an account on blackpeoplemeet.com and called it a day (thanks, Mimi)?

13. Since NeNe Leakes is now an entertainment journalist and Snooki is an author, how much longer will it be before Frankie becomes an op-ed columnist for the New York Times?

14. He seems nice and all, but doesn’t it often seem like Andy Cohen only met black people four months ago?

15. When will black women realize that the likes of Steve Harvey, Hill Harper & Tyrese are only there to profit off their desires, not solve their actual problems?

16. Why don’t we hear about the damaging effects of last year’s oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico anymore?

17. As nicely done as Marsha Ambrosius’ “Far Away” video was, does anyone else worry that the image of two black men kissing means it will never make it on air?

18. Can we please tell Kim Zolciak’s assistant, Sweetie, that’s we’s free nah and that she can change her name to Mo’nique or something?

19. Is Britney Spears ready to really bring it again or will she need a Four Loko for “inspiration?”

20. How much longer do you think Keri Hilson is gonna remind us that she’s pretty?

Say ‘I Don’t Know’ Over Something Stupid

I have been privately debating whether or not I to share my thoughts on the story about “The Princess Boy” since Monday. I’ve held out for so long for one main reason: I didn’t want to sound like an idiot.

Since Cheryl Kilodavis and her son, Dyson’s, appearance on The Today Show I’ve seen a lot of idiotic comments ranging from people who obviously want to appear funny (at the expense of a child) to online strangers they will likely never meet to folks whose sole intent was to simply be ignorant and hurtful. Because they can. It’s easy to get away with being a mean spirited asshole when you’re discussing anyone or anything deemed different from the norm.

Another reason I wasn’t sure whether or not to dive into this topic was my own befuddlement. I don’t know whether or not my fears over other people’s reactions would prevent me from allowing my child to express themselves as they saw fit. I don’t know what it’s like to be a child who early on identifies with everything typically associated with the opposite gender. I’ve only taken one course in gender roles and relations back in college so needless to say, I’m not equipped to hold competent conversations related to gender dysfunction at length.

But the more I thought it, the more I realized my lack of decisiveness is exactly why I should write about it instead of opting to not say anything at all. I think it’s better to say “I don’t know” than sit at my desk and be hateful like so many other people out of confusion.

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But She’s Trying…


I haven’t been the kindest to Keri Hilson in recent weeks. In fact, one could say I’ve been downright mean. To my credit, it’s not completely my fault.

I mean, you did see “The Way You Love Me” video, didn’t you? And you did actually pay attention to the lyrics of the original version, right? Like, “Fuck me! Fuck me! It’s the way you fuck me!” Plus, that little line about having “the kind of pussy that will keep you off the street.”

I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t chime in on that. I felt like it was my duty or something — especially once I recalled that only a year ago was she saying that she didn’t want to sell sex or be oversexed.

But hey, that was all a few weeks ago so doesn’t Keri Hilson deserve a do over?

Black Twitter said “hell nawl” in unison before/during/after Keri’s performance of vanity’s new theme song, “Pretty Girl Rock,” on Letterman.

I suppose there was a lot going on.

First, there was Fat Man Scoop’s slimmer cousin loudly introducing Keri Hilson — who is dressed as Diana Ross dressed as the obvious caricature of herself, Deena Jones.

Immediately after Effie and whatever they called the other one showed up on stage I was waiting for her to suddenly shift tempos and tell the crowd, “Life’s not as bad as it may seem if you open your eyes to what’s in front of you!”

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Debbie and Devin Doomsdayer

By the time I reached middle school I was convinced the world was going to end two minutes before I went off to college. The fear can largely be attributed to apocalypse-themed specials such as these, which I was often coerced into watching. I love my mother dearly, but she used to freak me the fuck out by having me these specials.

When you’re a young child dreaming about the kind of life you’d like to lead once you’re older (and in my case, dreams were certainly necessary), the last thing you need is the suggestion that yearning for such a better existence is in vain given the world was soon going to shit.

Through the years poll after poll has revealed that most Americans believe that Jesus Christ will make his return in their lifetime. As most Christians know, Jesus isn’t one for an uneventful entrance or exit so naturally all hell must break loose before Heaven opens up to send him to Earth a second time around. That’s why these specials aired on various broadcast and cable networks have fared so well.

If you believe in the Rapture and feel strongly that it will occur sooner rather than later, fine. However, my issue with such a belief is that depending on how pressed you are about the apocalypse you’re inclined to be so consumed by it that you will look for signs of doom at every turn. More pointed: You will create signs of the end out of every damn thing.

Say, some dead birds falling from the sky.

Okay, so when I first heard about this via ‘the Twitter’ I found it rather strange, too. My first instinct wasn’t “Get right with Jesus” as demanded by various members of Twitter. Not to say that that you shouldn’t get right with Jesus and stuff, but it seems like with all this talk of pollution, changing weather (i.e. weird patterns, more severe storms) maybe folks ought to finally start considering to get right with Captain Planet. Taking care of the Earth God allowed you to roam rent free sounds about right anyway, no?

The conversation shifting to environmental responsibility over religious conspiracy theories would be too much like right, though. Instead, everyone stuck with the former and proceeded to begin prophesying all of these horrible scenarios – many of which seemed to be pulled from the same place they sit on.

“Blood will fall from the sky next.”

“Disease will spread.”

“Global war is next.”

“Kim Kardashian’s album will go platinum.”

And on and on these downers went.

My goodness, can you not make everything out to be a sign of the presumed end of the world? It’s giving me flashbacks to viewing habits I’d rather not revisit.

The doomsday criers got even louder after stories of dead fish in New Zealand and other parts of the world spread.

Enter the likes of ex-child stars turned religious zealots for profit Born Again Christians were asked to chime in:

With all due respect to my beloved, Anderson Cooper, why is he talking to Kirk Cameron about dead birds falling out of the sky? What exactly can the former star of Growing Pains credibly say on the matter? I’d rather Anderson spoke with one of Colonel Sanders’ vegetarian great grandchildren about this than him.

To be fair to Kirk, even he didn’t know why he asked to appear on CNN. By the way, I’ve also seen parts of one of his Left Behind movies. It almost makes me want to become a fiction writer.

Anyway, a friend posted the following on Twitter about the birds falling from the sky:

dear crazies: “the US geological survey has noted 16 incidents in the past 30 years where more than 1000 blackbirds have died at once……usually the result of tightly-packed flocks flying into bad weather.” — now please miss me with your bible-thumping.

Mind you, this is coming from the kin of actual clergymen.

Anyway, as for the fish it appears it’s either an instance of foul play in the vein of some fisherman dumping dead fish somewhere or fish starving due to weather conditions.

See there, we need to be praying to God that Captain Planet’s homeboy, Kwame, calls up the crew and ride out on these nature evildoers versus using social media to plug the rapture like the latest mixtape to download.

I noticed that for many of the people going in about all of us going out, they didn’t even bother to read the actual story. They just saw the headline (probably abridged at that) and went, “Dead birds are falling means Jesus is a-coming!” Goodness, ya’ll.

Please stop squawking about the ominous end because one sad story (you likely didn’t read in full, if at all) about some dead birds falling from the sky confused you.

When Jesus decides to come back, I’m sure he’ll let us know by way of Facebook (because he’s older).

Last Year’s Instances of Post-Racial Racism

Normally when I write anything related to race for Aol News, my BlackBerry is lit up with an array of angry messages from people who think I’m Assata Shakur’s wayward nephew. Not because I said anything particularly strong. No, the truth is all it usually takes. In my latest piece, I did a quick but fun summation of the off color remarks on color from various politicians in both political parties.

Gon’ here to read it.

There are a lot of comments on the page. I haven’t read them. I likely won’t. Happy reading.

Wait, Wait I Still Want To Recap

I had every intention to recap my 2010 and what I enjoyed writing most on this site and elsewhere my byline meets before 2011 started, but for one reason or another (traveling, family, Happy Hour, jigging) it didn’t happen.

Shame on me, though ya’ll should be used to it by now. Oh well, I’m going to do it now given we’re less than 96 hours into the New Year. Besides, there are some things I’ve done and written that I’m particularly proud of and want to share.

For one, I did my very first radio interview (well, on political matters anyway) with a conservative radio host named Rusty Humphries. It was based on a piece I did for Aol News about the racist fringe element of the Tea Party.

I initially thought it would be like a gotcha interview and since I’m not one for punditry, I was going to not bother. I’m glad I did, though, because it was nice ‘practice’ and millions of people heard me not sound like an idiot.

Lovely. Anywho, click here to check it out if you haven’t already.

Oh, the other thing I’m really really proud of is having Amber Rose back it up on me while I twirked her off. And: She remembered me from last year. But, I mean, if I saw a slim dude in all white dropping it to the ground while in line for free drinks then asking me, “Why you block me on Twitter? I ain’t say shit about you!” while in line for the bathroom, I’d remember the person, too.

Then again, other random people have approached me saying they remembered me dancing. To me this means I’m doing something right or I’m that fucking crazy. Either way, it’s good to be remembered.

Alright now, enough with the verbal masturbation (at least about my dancing anyway) and on to the writing:

1. Bishop Long and What’s Long Overdue for Christians

I wrote a piece about the scandal for Aol News from a different angle. Honestly, even if Bishop Eddie Long were found innocent (a scenario hilariously unlikely), I still think he ain’t worth shit. Reason being is that he’s a homophobic clown who conveniently twists Christian principles to suit his own interests and yet can use other antiquated text with dubious meanings to vilify gay people. My piece called on Christians to understand context and the limits of Biblical literalism — not to mention offering a quick reminder of how historically the Bible has been used to perpetuate prejudice. Too bad calling on people to do that is about as useful as trying to BBM someone on a Boost Mobile BlackBerry via pay phone. One day, though. One day.

2. The Five Dumbest Reasons To Defend John Mayer

Sometimes black people are way too willing to defend people who obviously would never pay them that same courtesy. We should be off that by now.

3. You’re As Deep As A Wad Of Spit, Shut Up

This is for the fake philosopher in you.

4. Twitter Makes Me Hate You

Sadly, it still does…and so very, very much at that.

5. Help Me: Lil’ Kim

I really don’t understand why some people choose to act like Yolanda Saldivar about a given celebrity, but that’s not my issue and it’s certainly not my purpose. Mine as a writer to tell my truth in every variance. When it comes to Lil’ Kim, my truth is she needs to let go of her feud with Nicki Minaj and let God direct her to a ghostwriter who can give her what she really needs – a damn decent song. No, “Black Friday” doesn’t count. You wish.

Honorable Mention: “Baltimore, Get Your Girl.”

6. Lauryn Hill Denial Disorder

Lauryn Hill’s recent tirade reeks of self-importance, self-righteousness, and she seems to now be about as deluded as a crack head on Pico trying to buy a prostitute with a chicken bone he scooped up before a hood squirrel could grab it. The more she talks, the more irritated I become with her. Some of you don’t want to let go, though, holding out hope that Lauryn will return with a sophomore album featuring Jesus and Drake. If you or someone you like a little bit suffers from LHDD, read this now and form a support group.

7. He Needed $14.66 For Their Lunch Date

It’s exactly as bad as it sounds. Thank you, Kim, for the material.

8. How In The Hell Can You Believe Anything From Media Take Out?

I may soon need to write another separate piece entitled “Why In The Fuck Are You All So Got Damn Gullible?” I say this after watching my Twitter timeline erupt in spectacle over a rumor about Michelle Obama being knocked up yesterday. First, it literally took me a second to Google the source – Weekly World News, which is listed as satire (I guess they can’t say “bullshit”). That means Michelle Obama is as pregnant as Will Smith’s ears are. And that story about Suge Knight getting arrested for 2Pac’s murder — really? There has to be a balance between being way too cynical and too damn gullible.

Honorable Mention: Beyoncé Promotes Popeye’s, Not Satan

9. How Rihanna Made Me Rewind

This had to be mentioned for two reasons. The first being a friend of mine told me that her lesbian (or something) co-worker – who had no idea that we knew each other – quoted this entry and my “gummy bears” reference to describe her affinity for women. I am spreading, folks. Little by little.

The second being one commenter who wrote in response to this piece:

“But, Mike, we need you to stay gay. Please. We need an intellectual voice like yours to break down the walls so young Queens like myself can rightfully run around in a camouflaged mini-skit when we go to war in Afghanistan.”

Yes, I had to include this and you must read it.

10. “Accepting Where My Piece Blows”

I had no idea there was such a thing called “National Coming Out Day,” but I did use the opportunity to test something out. That being writing about myself at length at gauging interest for – well, hopefully 2011 will allow me to say such. I’m sure you can figure it out, though. If you haven’t read it yet, definitely check it out and leave your feedback. I’m working hard on certain things outside of my normal tasks.

I’m very focused, and that is essentially why sometimes my blogging schedule becomes infrequent – yes, even more than the norm. As a freelancer, I write a lot all the time and sometimes I get tired. I delved into it a bit earlier this year. I’m going to make an effort to maintain a certain number of posts a week this year because I love this site, but whenever there’s a break just know that I’m working…on something.

Trust me.

That said, thank you to everyone who reads this site. Thank you for the comments – even some of the ones that make me want to pour water on your keyboard – and spotting me out at random places and showing love (new to me, but really cool all the same). It’s all appreciated.

If you know of someone who still hasn’t read my site, send them this post (email, Facebook, the Twitter) and tell them to get with it already.

Happy New Year and thank you again.

Leave My Song Alone, Children!

While I do agree with Auntie Nippy that the children are indeed our future (an increasingly scary thought, but I digress), more and more I find myself at odds with such a sentiment given my growing sympathy for the geriatric community and their mission statement, “Damn kids! Get off my lawn!”

That’s largely in part to it becoming painfully aware that I’m getting older myself – which means it’s much easier for me to get grouchy over things. Especially when they are super duper important to me. For example, the horrific scenario that is someone outside of my age group fucking up a song that I consider to be a cherished memory from my childhood.

Which leads me to the posted clip – a remake of Brandy and Wanya Morris’ classic (yes, classic), the remix to “Brokenhearted.”

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