But You Can’t Sing, Baby

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As most of you regular readers know, despite being a long time fan of Lil’ Kim, these days Kimberly Jones is not my favorite person anymore (here here explain a few reasons why).

However, after listening to Lil’ Kim’s rendition of Keri Hilson’s “Pretty Girl Rock,” I have a question for those who still claim to be down with the QB: Do y’all really like her?

I mean, enough to tell her the truth: She can’t sing worth a damn. Not a diddly damn, actually. As in Kim is so bad that I’m starting to look back on long-term ear infection and thinking, “Gee, that wasn’t so bad afterall.”

Anyone who can recite the lines to “Queen Bitch” on command has got to acknowledge that vocalizing is not Kimmy Blanco’s (By the way, has she paid homage to Jackie O for paying homage to Griselda Blanco first?) strong suit.

Now, Lil’ Kim says a lot of delusional things. To the point where it takes the biggest of stan to keep up with her rampant lies. But, I do remember one the most ridiculous lies she’s told in recent months: That she is a singer in addition to being a rapper, actress, business woman, and Biggie’s heavenly nut warmer (or something to that effect).

Yeah, that’s cute that she thinks all of that, but why hasn’t anyone pulled her to the side to be like, “Baby, you can’t sing.”

Like, not even a little bit. She’s been trying to for years now, bless her heart. Coincidentally, her attempts at singing on her records share the same time period when her music began to suck harder than an Atlanta bathhouse.

Yet, no one seems to have told her this. Instead, they continue egging her on. I guess that’s how she ultimately started to own a nose that looks modeled after a dog’s chew toy.

You know what? Do me a favor right now.

Grab your nose.

Rangle it all around.

And then grab a stapler and hold it close.

Now imagine smashing yourself with one and no one near you telling you to stop or forcing the stapler out of your hand.

That is the danger of enabling people. The same applies to this song and Kim’s horrid remix of Rihanna’s “Man Down.”

As much noise as I talk about Kim (and oh yes, it will continue so long as she keeps giving everyone a reason), I would really like her to make a genuine comeback.

And not this brown envelope, let me sell a mixtape off PayPal and pray no one sues me for it bullshit either.

I want her to lyrically dust ’em off like pledge, hit hard like sledgehammers. Be that bitch with that platinum grammer. A diamond cluster hustler. Queen Bitch, supreme bitch, kill a nigga for her nigga, by any means bitch. Murder scene bitch. Clean bitch, disease free bitch.

The thing about Kim is Nicki Minaj’s success really did open an opportunity for her. People over a certain age just aren’t into female rappers looking like Judy Jetson one day, Project Pebbles Flintstone the next all while making genre-hopping music that they just can’t identify with.

I mean, I dig it but I know that’s not everyone’s thing. So what could those folks use? Old Kimberly or at least, something close to the hit making Kim they knew. She could become musically relevant again in a context that doesn’t enough clowning.

She’s not gonna get that singing like the kind of person that eats chicken bones and drools mid-sentence, though.

So can one of y’all tell her for me?

Oh and before my site is invaded by the 25+ bottoms up crowd ready to sass me over ‘the shade,’ I’m well aware that Nicki Minaj isn’t a songbird either. At the same time, Nicki has potential if she continues to believe in the power of prayer and work of a dedicated vocal coach.

Kim does not, which means you better get that queen bitch told tonight. Yes, repeat that in your Teedra Moses voice.

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