Don’t Sass Miss Dionne

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When I first heard of Dionne Warwick, I didn’t know her as a celebrated singer of some decade(s) I wasn’t alive to see. Like most mid-late 80s babies, I knew Dionne as that nice older lady with the cigarette inspired speaking voice who had all the psychic friends. After it was explained to me that Dionne was actually a singer and Whitney Houston’s auntie, I felt so bad for her.

You know, poor old woman. I assumed she spent all of her money on those spiffy specs of hers that she had to do these 1-900 commercials in order to keep the lights on. That made me sad. Sad because I genuinely thought she was like some sweet older lady.

Mother Winslow, on key if you will.

I would be like, “Mama, call Miss Dionne’s friends. She needs our help.” I’m sure my mama was tempted to slap me with a .45, but she didn’t. She kindly explained more about her and that’s how I realized she was famous singer.

I still looked to her as the nice lady with the make believe psychic homies, though.

Unfortunately, my childlike image of Auntie Dionne has been destroyed thanks to reality television.

Oh my gosh, y’all. This woman is a mean old…

This is the first time I’ve ever bothered to watch Celebrity Apprentice. I didn’t watch the regular edition of Apprentice and with all due respect to past contestants of the celebrity version, Gerardo was far more famous than most of them so I never gave a damn.

Donald Trump was able to reel me in this time after he pulled in the big dogs like entertainment icon (their words) LaToya Jackson, Balou from the Jungle Book’s big sister, NeNe, and the remnants of Al Reynolds’ razor, Star Jones.

And, yes, Whitney Houston’s auntie, too.

I planned to root for Dionne as I expected her to be maybe the black version of Betty White or a funnier Cicely Tyson. However, I haven’t been able to muster any kind words for her ’cause she’s mean as all hell.

Why is Dionne Warwick on national TV trying to punk a deaf woman? She couldn’t walk on by?

Between her meanness, Star’s delusions of grandeur (you’re right, Ke$ha, we r who we r) and NeNe’s everything, they’re making LaToya Jackson the best representation of black women on NBC.

Not that I don’t love Miss Toy-Toy, but doesn’t that make you want to weep for the race a little bit?

Dionne Warwick seems like the kind of older person who will hit you with their cane if your Grand Slam order comes out before hers.

I’m just not used to mean old people on TV like that. That is, not in reality TV. In some ways, I guess that makes her a pioneer (or confirms that I am out of the loop and should keep better abreast of all these reality shows).

I mean, Dionne is on here like, “All these bitches is my grandsons. And I’mma go and cut a switch for ’em. A couple nickel rolls, little pretty extension chords for ’em. If I had a prune I would eat it up and do a dos on ’em.”

Thanks to Dionne Warwick I haven’t been able to get the word cantankerous out of my head for two weeks. What in the hell is her problem? Is she mad that Gladys Knight beat her to the punch with a fried chicken and waffle franchise? Did you loan one of your psychic friends some money and they never paid you back, making you bitter?

Help me understand.

I was told that Dionne is Billboard’s most charted female singer behind Aretha Franklin so that might explain why she acts like she wants all these kids off her porch.

Still, Patti Labelle is sweet and it seems as if all Gladys Knight wants you to do is eat chicken and get you some Jesus. They’re not shading deaf people, Miss Dionne. Explain yourself.

P.S. Get into Patti’s shorts y’all. Explain that to me, too:

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