Me Elsewhere

In between not trying to turn huff and puff and blow every annoying sum’bitch my out way, I’ve been writing.

So here’s the round-up. Some of the titles I ask you to excuse. Y’all know editors like to be tricky to get folks clicky. Hit the bold for the link. Facebook like, retweet and all that good stuff if you hear me, though.

Coming Out: Not as Simple as Black and White (The Root)

I’m still going to happy hour on May 21, end of the world be damned. (The Grio)

For the longest time, I thought Kate Middleton was just the name of a cast member from the new 90210. (The Grio)

Here, too.

Updates coming.

P.S. Y’all haven’t been sending me nonsense like you used to. Where are the new repetitive dances I need to learn? The ignorant anthems I’m supposed to bop like a bird to? The people who need to be entered into the next racial draft (they don’t have to be in my race, case in point: Donald Trump). C’mon nah, folks.

Beyoncé To The Rescue


Fear not, fat children of America. The queen has come to save you.

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No, Trick, No

I always feel like a mean old man whenever I criticize Soulja Boy – even if I don’t do so very often.

I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a fan of his Hooked on Phonics style of rapping, but I don’t think he’s the worst person whoever lived. That sort of title belongs to the inventor of private student loans.

When his most recent album – whose title escapes me and I’m too unenthused to do a quick Google search to verify – caught a brick, I wasn’t supermanning these hoes out of glee for his failure.

I just thought, “Oh, that lil’ fool will be back before you know it.”

And here we are.

Not only is he back, but he’s about to star in a remake in one of my favorite movies from the 1990s, Juice.

Now, here comes the part where I’m ready to pull out a dagger and poke. Yes, I purposely wrote that in a homoerotic way to test you folks. Were you anticipating me to type “pause” after that sentence? If so, pull up your right hand and proceed to run face first into the palm of it.

Anyway, I’m especially sick of people recreating works when there are plenty of originals around whose creativity has yet to be properly exploited for profit.


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Madea, Please

I am always so conflicted when it comes to Tyler Perry. On one end, when I hear him talk about living in his car while pursuing his dreams, I’m encouraged. And you know, he seems like a relatively nice guy so long as you don’t stand in his way (hello, benefit seeking writers and female directors wanting to tell their own stories).

That said, my happy thoughts fizzle as soon as I recall how he made me envy the deaf and dumb while watching For Colored Girls.

I love the way my friend sized up Tyler on Twitter:

“I’d rather stick a shotgun in my mouth than sit through Madea movie. Seriously. I respect him for grinding and giving black actors work but must EVERY movie of his be filled to the brim with stereotypes? It’s insulting.”

We can all go back and forth about Tyler the businessman and Tyler the artist. I don’t really want to rehash that debate – completely anyway – but after watching this video I just had to say that this Negro has a lot of nerve.

Of all people to talk about brain melting entertainment mediums Tyler Perry wants to chime in and shade The Real Housewives franchise.

Granted, watching wealthy women and fake rich women cat fight over nothing constantly isn’t exactly making my brain cells climax. However, in comparison to over-the-top fried pork-flavored soap operas that routinely offer the talking point – Get with God, and get you a man – I don’t really see how the dirty pot can clown the spotty kettle.

And that’s not to say I think all of Tyler Perry’s creative works suck. I don’t believe that at all. I’ve laughed at Madea plenty of times and I did enjoy Why Did I Get Married? and The Family That Preys. Those two are the good kind of Negro telenovelas.

Still, he’s not exactly giving the world thought provoking material to get the masses talking. Well, unless you’re including hate speech.

Maybe I’m just too big a stan for Auntie Phaedra and Cousin Camille and I’m taking his quip too seriously. Or maybe Andy Cohen turned down Tyler’s idea of adding Madea to the cast of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Whatever the case is l still would like to introduce Tyler Perry to irony. I can see the two becoming BFFs faster than you can say, “See a bus driver, see your future husband.”

Y’all let me know how Madea’s Wild and Crazy Kinfolk is. I’m passing on seeing Tyler’s latest this time around.

In the meantime, I’ll be anticipating season two of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and season four of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Thank God that after hours of conflict no one randomly yells, “FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT!” and everything is resolved after someone smells what The Rock is cooking.

Oh and if you’re wondering, yes, I’m aware of Tyler’s travel advice to Spike Lee. In all honesty, I think both Mookie and Madea made valid points about the other person. You would think by now they could at least bond over each of their rather banal depiction of women.

Uh, I Thought We Discussed This Already?

My mama has a lot to do with me resisting the urge to place a choke hold on a select number of people in recent weeks.

This year continues to be one of immense highs and lows. While I’m certainly maintaining my composure to bad news that tries to eat at the good a lot better than I was earlier in the year, I still sometimes need to reach out to my mom in order for a much needed reality check. And encouragement.

Our relationship has seen its own highs and lows over the years, but in the past few it’s been consistently on the up and up.

That is, after we kind of got over the hump of me telling her I was gay.

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She Runs The World, You Run Your Mouth

There’s always going to be silly criticism about Beyoncé, but sometimes I wish I could borrow her fan to blow some of your asses away.

I have longed accepted that not everyone will like Beyoncé.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I think people like that suffer from some sort of personality disorder. Be that as it may I respect people’s right to deny greatness and available medication from their virtual pharmacist, iTunes.

What I don’t cut for her is the notion of coming for the Queen’s throat over an unfinished demo.

Such is the case for Beyoncé’s new single, “Girls (Who Run The World).”

The version that was leaked yesterday is not the finished product. Not surprisingly, that fun fact hasn’t stopped people from writing soliloquies about how it’s time to lock Beyoncé out of the studio based on what they’ve heard.

I don’t really care if some folks don’t like it ‘cause everyone else will.

What does irritate me a bit, though, is one aspect of the criticism largely centered on the idea that her single and its lyrics aren’t “deep enough.”

If you’re looking for the meaning of life from Beyoncé I need for you to go and let your forehead kiss the sidewalk.

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Self-Help By The Stars

Tyrese is to wisdom what hog head cheese is to health food.

Yet, I’m well aware that his book will be a bestseller. And so will all of the other celebrity-branded self-help books that follow. That’s fine – for them – but I wrote a piece over at The Grio for the rest of us that wonder, “Are y’all for real?”

Full disclosure: I’m not really in love with the title, “Are celebrity self-help books setting backs black?” That’s not really the gist of what I’m suggesting. Honestly, I just find a lot of them banal and filled with some of the very ideas that its readership – mainly black women – probably don’t need to hear anymore of. I don’t actually believe Twitter philosophers turned Dear Abby boppers will bring down black people.

But, it’s my own fault for not offering a super attention grabbing alternative. Other than that, I like the piece and I wrote it while being super sick.

Go me. As for the rest of you who are interested, go over here and check it out. Hit a ‘Like’ and pass it around if you would be so kind.

More updates soon. For real.

I Need Answers

1. Shouldn’t ass shots and butt pads come with an instruction manual so people know how to properly toot their newly purchased booties?

2. Since it’s obvious that Britney Spears refuses to perform at the level we’re used to, can we get Heather Morris to do all future performances on her behalf?

3. Aren’t you happy that Teedra Moses finally scored a major record deal?

4. Doesn’t La Toya Jackson often dress like she’s ready to step up on stage and ask the children of the world if they can feel it?

5. Is Elgin Charles supposed to be Steve Harvey after hormone shots?

6. Who told Ricky Martin that he had to change the wardrobe hanging in his closet after he hopped out of it?

7. So basically Somaya Reece is like, “What if Charo had a granddaughter in a gang?”

8. Anyone else hoping to be adopted by Kris Jenner?

9. Is there anything funnier on TV than Fashion Police?

10. Can someone explain to that Baloo from The Jungle Book looking somebody (commonly known as NeNe Leakes) that being loud and bitchy doesn’t work on every program?

11. Does anyone actually believe Popeye’s spokeswoman “Annie” and that fake accent of hers are from New Orleans?

12. After hearing Tamar Braxton speak does it become a little easier to see how her solo career never took off like it should have?

13.  Where has she been all my life?

14. Have you ever been happier for someone turning 21?

15. Will you all stop helping these celebrities think they can jock Dear Abbey and get away with it?

16. Are you ready for #beyseason?

17. Who would win a dance off between Wendy Williams and Artie from Glee?

18. How much longer do we have to bear with fashionista rap?

19. Has anyone else already blocked out the “S&M (Remix)?”

20. My birthday was on Tuesday. Y’all know it’s not too late to drop some pennies plus in the PayPal, right?

Hand Clap For Kelendria

Can you stop what you’re doing and give Kelly Rowland a slow hand clap for her new video?

Seriously, this is by far the best solo video Kelly has ever shot. When I first heard “Motivation” I wasn’t really enthused by the track. I actually wondered if Eeyore suddenly got into producing music. About a week ago, though, I gave the song another listen and became hooked.

After watching the video, I have to give Kelly even more praise. She did good. Finally. Kelly has been like that friend (in my head) you just know could do some amazing things if she finally got it right. This is is a nice start. Granted, that start should’ve probably happened in 2002 but let’s just stick to the here and now.

There are so many good things to highlight. Like, the video doesn’t like it wasn’t funded with hopes, dreams, and coupons.

And we finally get to see Kelly dancing again. For a while there I thought she forgot she had any rhythm. Plus, she looks great throughout the video. Her hair looks fresh off the plane and/or boat, her body looks really nice, and her skin is glowing.

Don’t get any false hopes now. This is game peeping game. Nothing more, nothing less.

I feel like this is the video Keri Hilson should’ve made with “The Way You Love Me.”

See, Kelly’s orgy is classy. Well, as classy as I assume an simulated orgy can get.

In Kelly’s video you get the sense that they’re using condoms. By contract, in Keri’s crotch-rocking clip it looked like the theme of the treatment was a bunch of horny people high off hormones and Four Loko’s got a bit carried away and only had one Lifestyle condom to pass around.

See what I mean? Less is more sometimes. Okay, let me leave Keri alone. I don’t want her thinking I hate her ’cause she’s so damn beautiful.

Basically, I think a lot of artists try way too hard when it comes to selling their sexuality. Kelly’s video isn’t overdone. It has the tasteful amount of smut for people who sometimes find themselves bodyrolling at the gym but would never p-pop. You know, because that’s how we motivate ourselves.

Go you, Kelly. Go you.

Now all of you have to do is make sure you perform this song live with some oomph and some good prerecorded live vocals. Just in case. No offense.

Your Keyboard Should Commit Suicide

Since I would rather sip champagne mixed with my own piss in a Solo red cup before ever clicking “follow” by his name, I am usually spared the stupidity of Lil’ Duval shares on Twitter.

Unfortunately, the downside of the retweet feature occasionally runs rampant on my timeline. Such was the case yesterday, when I noticed a number of people responding to Duval’s latest round of controversial for sport tweets.

Before you read what he said, just go ahead and bang your head on the desk now and get it over with.

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