No, Trick, No

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I always feel like a mean old man whenever I criticize Soulja Boy – even if I don’t do so very often.

I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a fan of his Hooked on Phonics style of rapping, but I don’t think he’s the worst person whoever lived. That sort of title belongs to the inventor of private student loans.

When his most recent album – whose title escapes me and I’m too unenthused to do a quick Google search to verify – caught a brick, I wasn’t supermanning these hoes out of glee for his failure.

I just thought, “Oh, that lil’ fool will be back before you know it.”

And here we are.

Not only is he back, but he’s about to star in a remake in one of my favorite movies from the 1990s, Juice.

Now, here comes the part where I’m ready to pull out a dagger and poke. Yes, I purposely wrote that in a homoerotic way to test you folks. Were you anticipating me to type “pause” after that sentence? If so, pull up your right hand and proceed to run face first into the palm of it.

Anyway, I’m especially sick of people recreating works when there are plenty of originals around whose creativity has yet to be properly exploited for profit.

Hello.

As I was saying, do we really need a remake of Juice? Couldn’t we leave well enough alone? Apparently not.

On the remake nobody asked for, Soulja Boy revealed that he’ll be reprising the role of “Bishop” originally played by Tupac Shakur.

He told VIBE, “I want to show these people my acting side and me being creative—always giving them something new; that’s all.”

His version of being creative is borrowing something old to make a movie that’s going to make everyone over the age of 25 blue.

Dude, why can’t you write your own thing? Do you need help? Hell, I have an idea for you. Let’s do a movie about the story of a failed ESL student who used cheap beat-making software and a MySpace account to show the world that millionaires don’t need grammar to win in life?

It will make for an amazing dramedy that speaks to the times. Let’s go with that instead of partnering with the director of cinematic masterpieces like the videos for “Crank That,” “Kiss Me Through The Phone,” and “Turn My Swag On” to ruin Juice.

This movie is supposed to begin shooting on April 28th in Atlanta. Already, I’m itching. Not in anticipation. Just plain old itching about the mere thought of this project.

Sometimes I just don’t know what to think anymore, y’all. It’s like originality was locked inside of a box and tossed into the toxic waters of the Gulf of Mexico. Maybe pieces of it will turn up in a crab with 17 legs in a couple of years, but in the meantime we all have to suffer through it.

I know it’s likely to get worse before it gets any better, but damn Soulja Boy is starring in a role originated by 2Pac.

What next?

Will Madea will star in a movie about the life of Diahann Carroll?

How about Kim Kardashian being tapped to play Suge Knight in an Off Broadway musical about his life? I mean, she recently confessed her love for Snoop Dogg’s “Ain’t No Fun (If The Homies Can’t Have None)” following the death of Nate Dogg.

What about Bow Wow? Maybe he can play Da Brat in a made-for-TV movie. Wait, no he can’t. He’s not hard enough. Sorry, Shad. I’m a still a fan, though. That is, of your aesthetic qualities (Okay: You can act a lil’ bit, too).

Oh, oh, I got it: Lindsay Lohan can transform into Aunt Jemima. With our luck, she’d actually do this considering where her career is.

One more guys: Snoop Dogg signs on for the starring role in Shirley Temple: Curls Made The Girl.

Want to know the saddest part of all these pitches? They’re still better than Soulja Boy starring in a role originally portrayed by 2Pac.

That role meant a lot to him, you guys. I mean, ‘Pac ended up playing the role of “Bishop” for the rest of his life. Yeah, I said it. Meant it, too.

As I was saying, I really didn’t want to join the chorus of Soulja Boy detractors, but Mr. Speak and Spill has crossed the line.

No trick, no.

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