Give It Up, Turn It Loose

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There’s a rumor going around that Nicole Prescovia Elikolani Valiente Scherzinger is bedding a music executive over at Interscope — explaining why despite failure after failure as a solo artist she keeps getting another shot at individual stardom. That’s pretty sexist to say and shame on you all for spreading such a rumor. Oh, who am I kidding? There has to be some explanation for this.

Is it pumps and bump with the boss? “Could be, could be not. Can’t say.” Whatever it is, though, I have a resolution: Stop trying.

Y’all know I don’t take pride in being a dream killer, but be that as it may can someone loan me a glock so I can take Nicole’s dreams of becoming a more successful Vanity out back and put it out of its misery? It’s like the Old Yeller of fantasies now. No sense in letting that dream suffer in ICU any longer.

I haven’t watched American Idol in years, but I just stumbled along this performance clip and I’m baffled. Why is she still trying? Well, actually let her try all she wants. However, why are people letting her try on national television? Shouldn’t someone with a legitimate shot be using this platform?

Earlier in the week I heard this annoying ass song and was instantly reminded of why I barely give Los Angeles radio the time of day. It also hit me that she has a track record of releasing really crappy solo material.

The public has responded the same way with each and every would be breakout single of hers: “Girl, bye.”

I know in theory, Nicole is supposed to be a solo star. She’s really pretty, she can sing okay and she was the lead singer of a successful group. Plus, she’s so pressed for stardom that she’ll sing any song no matter how ridiculous it may sound. You know, the kind of banal song made for someone who should be passing notes about boys at Sweet Valley High. Those songs are Nicole’s speciality apparently. Still, those are all the qualities of a pop star you wish you could send to outer space. And yet, after all these years it just hasn’t happened for Nicole. Why?

She doesn’t have it. Yes, she can lead a bunch of glorified burlesque dancers to the upper echelon of the Hot 100, but her own accord she’s ear infection envying. On top of that, she’s boring.

Look at her lack of chemistry with 50 Cent. Notice how awful a dancer she is. Yeah, I Googled her to figure out how to spell her last name so I read that she won a season of Dancing With The Stars. Any show that would vote Romeo Miller off means absolutely nothing to me. Not a damn thing.

Alright, fine. She has definitely improved as a dancer when compared to solo performances of “Whatever You Like.” I’d still like her to sit her ass down, though.

I’ll always appreciate her for “Buttons” and “Don’t Cha,” but this solo career is just not going to happen folks. If it were, it would’ve happen a long time ago. In fact, Tyler Perry has a better chance at becoming America’s Next Top Model than Nicole Scherzinger has of scoring a platinum-selling solo album. Try hosting and reality TV.

P.S. I read a rumor that she got Corbin Bleu booted as a potential co-host on the American version of The X-Factor. For her sake, I hope that’s not true. My oldest niece would kick her ass.

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