The Girls of the Billboard Awards

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There comes a point when you have to stop feeling sorry for someone and speak plainly. To wit: Britney Spears the performer sucks now and I wish the mainstream press would give up the act about her already. As soon as I heard word that she would be performing at the Billboard Music Awards, I knew how the post-show headlines would look. Bullshit headers like, “Britney Sizzles With Rihanna on Stage.” If by sizzle you mean draw blank stares from people who can remember Britney before she succumbed to sedation, consider my eyes set ablaze.

Rihanna looked amazing as usual and sounded okay at best per usual. She still danced like she was ready for her shift at the Puss and Boots to end, but at least she sang live. And you know, at least she bothered to move her body at all. Whatever, by now we know what to expect. Loud knocks and that’s enough for me.

Still, Britney Spears made Rihanna look like Tina Turner after being hooked up to an IV of Red Bull by comparison. I like her and find her to be sweet, but seriously what is the point of Britney Spears anymore?  If you can’t dance, you should at least sing. And if you can’t swing a pillow with energy maybe it’s best you just go lay on one.

Britney made Ke$ha and her awkward p-pop look amazing by comparison. I’m still not even sure what to classify the Ultimate Warrior’s daughter as. Whatever it is, it proved itself to be more entertaining than Britney Spears — and I’ll never forgive Britney Jean for it.

Or round two.

Does Britney Spears even know who Nicki Minaj is? For a good thirty seconds during this clip, I’m convinced Britney hadn’t the slightest clue as to who that black girl with her nana’s old wig was. Bless her heart.

I salute her loyal fans still willing to shell out a lot of money in order to see their girl on stage. Couldn’t be me, though. I would pay plenty to gain access into Britney Spears’ mind while she’s on stage, though. I imagine she’s thinking about honey buns and that episode of Roseanne she’s still gotta watch on her DVR.

As for Nicki, y’all I’m a fan but I wish she’d give up the lap dancing bit already. She gives lap dances as if she’s promoting chastity. And why won’t her ass bounce? Nevermind, I already asked. She’s not a natural performer, but she’s trying. Maybe a little too much, but she will figure it out. In the meantime, I’ll take it over walking around looking lost while badly mimicking your own song.

Wait, I have to say something positive about Britney: She looked good and her hair didn’t look like it was made of discarded cat hair. There, two compliments. Watch me work.

 

As for the other set of performers:

1. Ne-Yo always looks like he’s performing “Smooth Criminal.” I don’t know who Khloé Kardashian’s cousin on stage with Ne-Yo The Negro and Pitbull was, but she was feeling herself.

2. Mary J. Blige’s new single is as memorable as a 2011 Britney dance move. I’m waiting to see what else she’s got.

3. Only our mamas get geeked about a Black Eyed Peas performance.

4. Cee-Lo does Liberace and Elton John better than Lady GaGa.

5. I had my TV on mute while Keith Urban performed, but I do know he’s a middle aged warning to Justin Bieber’s hair obsession.

6. Snoop would perform with a hobo under the highway if the check cleared.

7. Is Taio Cruz just Tracy Chapman after a fade and a shot to the face? For the longest time, I just assumed he was a myth. Like the Big Foot of Pop, if you will. I couldn’t name a Taio Cruz song if you paid me.

I’m sure there were some other acts who performed, but I don’t remember any of them. Chances are you don’t either. Now on to the main attraction.

 

Before this performance, there was no one singing and dancing at Beyoncé’s  level male or female. After watching her last night, it’s apparent that she’s only getting better. This was probably one of her best performances ever. I did see the clip of the Japanese artist the performance was inspired from. But since I didn’t hear Beyoncé say, “I originated this,” I refuse to donate a damn to talking about it any further than the end of this sentence.

That said, she deserved every amount of praise she received last night. It was also really nice to hear her publicly say the names LeToya Luckett and LaTavia Roberson. I can’t remember the last time she has said them. I would love to see the original four and Michelle altogether. One day.

I’m particularly happy when people from Houston succeed and my favorite example of that is Beyoncé. All of her accomplishments were achieved before she turned 30. Doesn’t it just make you wanna go run a few extra laps, plug yourself into that Red Bull IV and get to working?

I cannot wait for the new album and tour.

Unlike some people, I know she’ll be giving her all.

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