MTV Just Handles Pregnancies Better Now

I haven’t actually seen any of those I used my birth canal before I was economically or emotionally ready to do so shows on MTV, but I do know the network that I used to worship for their music coverage makes far money on those than they do airing videos we only will watch once on YouTube. Most of you have known this, too, for quite some time. So if that is common knowledge why do we collectively feign dismay over the Video Music Awards?

I am guilty of this personally, as I wondered aloud why the cast of Jersey Shore (another show I have never watched) were the first guests for the pre-show. I know that one of them is a DJ for the robot formally known as Britney Spears, but I suppose if she has so little to say about her own music these days why should he even bother? Then came all of these random people I’ve never heard of sounding like strep throat, moving like pharmaceutically-enhanced dick stiffness, or being all around underwhelming.

This is the new tradition of the show, though, which is why I don’t blame MTV for changing their post-VMA show twitcon to an image of Beyoncé clutching her newly confirmed baby bump. If you can’t get music right you might as well highlight a pregnancy. Especially if that’s what your network is increasingly known for anyway.

But alright y’all, I will try to recap this show as best I can because memories of it sleep as I shift my interests towards something items like getting my life together and deciding what items from the Popeye’s menu I shall order in celebrating of Beyoncé bringing new life into the world.

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He Rants At Length When Asked

Quick note: Last Friday I took part in The Root’s weekly podcast, The Confab, to talk about my article “Breakup With Boyfriend Barack” published on the site last week. If you’re trying to pass the time at work or you know, actually want to hear me speak you can click here. Being three hours behind from just about everywhere you write has its disadvantages at times, which is why after the podcast I told everyone, “I hope I ain’t sound crazy, y’all.” Feel free to let me know if you’re interested. Practice makes perfect or something.

Grooms Who Can’t Cover The Grub

A year ago, my friend of more than 10 years allowed me to blog about her nightmarish lunch date with a man who literally had to ask for her $14.66 to pay a bill that totaled $33.12. All my friend ordered was a chicken sandwich with fries. He invited her and didn’t have the money. She had $14 on her so he put the rest of the amount owed on his credit card. If you’re counting that means he put 66 cents on his damn debit card.

I told her to never talk to him again. I don’t think she listened, but she didn’t go out without him again. Guess what, y’all. That man is married now. My friend said she heard from him and he shared his happy news.

Did he win the lotto? No. Did he at least find a job? Wrong again. He did none of the above, but some woman decided to both marry and procreate with him. A school teacher at that. I suppose in his mind he feels like he did win the lotto.

Isn’t love grand? While you mull on that question, I invite you all to relieve (or discover for the first time) the blog post, “He Needed 14.66 To Cover Their Lunch Date.” Read that and process it. This man is married to someone. Someone who let him knock her up. Maybe he’s found some ambition or at the very least an EBT card.

Husbands and Boyfriends

I have two pieces up today about two separate trends that irritate my spirit.

The first doesn’t affect me in any particular way, though I find it annoying all the same. Black women, I don’t know why the media has decided to act like somebody’s nagging mama ready to see you get married and put some beans in that oven, but I wish they would stop.

You can check out my thoughts on that lingering trend – including me paying homage to the Fairy Godmother – here.

The other article is for those who seem to have a connection to President Obama that prevents them from accepting any constructive criticism about him even when it’s warranted. Yes, I know some people have been unfair to him, but look around — what’s going on with us collectively is even worse. He has my vote, but not blind support.

You can check out “Breakup With Boyfriend Barack” here.

I have another piece coming, one more personal and tied into some long-term goals. I’ll post when they do. Please pass these works and this site’s link around like bad taste at a Basketball Wives reunion.

We Regret Rick, Too

If you haven’t heard by now, Gov. Rick Perry has announced his presidential bid. I long worried that this day would soon come and now that it has I have a message for each of you on behalf of every non-idiotic Texan: We’re sorry. No really, we are. When you think recent Texas’ recent contributions to the nation, we prefer you think of Beyoncé versus this idiot. Rick Perry might look like the guy political opponents use as a plant in to disassemble a Latino rights group, but trust me, he wants to screw everyone.

I’d like to think that he is too stupid to be elected president, but then I quickly remembered what country he wants to become president of. Mother Jones writers can cite his stupidity, his lunacy-inspired political beliefs, and his George Bush squared Texan accent as reasons why he is unelectable. In reality those are all pretty much good reasons to put fear into your heart that he could win. That is, should the economy continue to sour and President Obama fails to motivate people to the polls.

I actually don’t think President Obama will lose in the end, but if he did it would be to someone more like Mitt Romney. I say like Mitt Romney because Rick Perry’s addition to the race makes it harder for him to get the nod. For those unaware, Romney is a Mormon. See, Joseph Smith is one of the few names that could attract the same level of vitriol as the name Barack Obama. The God-happy on paper peons who have held the GOP by the balls for last few decades like Mormons the way Assata Shakur likes David Duke. I’m not sure it will even matter to the religious right that the pro-Christian messages Rick Perry has been espousing in political ads are reportedly the brainchild of an Atheist. That’s just how much that side cannot stand Mormons. Shoot, a lot of them barely tolerate Catholics.

If I were Rick I’d get to the point and make this my slogan to Republican primary voters: “Rick Perry: For people who hate Mormons, flip floppers, and critical thinking.”

Better cut my check.

Then again, knowing Rick Perry’s track record  I’m pretty sure he might have already planned that, hence my concern. He’s going to annoy anyone paying attention for at least the next year. Should he win the Republican nomination – a very plausible scenario -  it will get even worse. And dear God, if he actually became President Captain Planet, Nancy Pelosi, 90% of Los Angeles and New York, and too many people with a permanent tan might want to forge a suicide pact. Yes, it will be that bad. Worse even.

So really, before everyone damns the state of Texas for giving the world yet another bubbling idiot to fuck things up for everyone else, let me say again: I’m sorry. Oh, and since I have the floor, let me remind you all that my mama is from Louisiana and my dad is only the first generation out the swamp. I don’t care to claim anyone outside of Houston’s city limits. I’m definitely not claiming Rick Perry.

Butt Out of Bert & Ernie’s Business

I’ve always assumed that Bert and Ernie were fucking. I never had a strong reaction to it one way or the other, though. It was sort of like one of those unchallenged truths in which you know something to be true, but you don’t put any real thought into it. The sky is blue, Louisiana hot sauce rules over all, and Bert and Ernie were boyfriends.

I see a lot of people thought the same, which is why they pushed the producers of Sesame Street to marry them off now that it’s legal in the state of New York. I understand that equality must be had for all, but give me a break. What does it matter if two puppets of the same imaginary species get hitched? Would that show kids that being gay is normal? Sure, it could help, but the same can be said of merely telling your children that.

Like any people in a relationship that they’re comfortable with, the last thing they need is a bunch of nosy people telling them to change their dynamic for their own selfish reasons. So: Get off their nonexistent dicks, folks. Bert and Ernie enjoy their current life as is.

Oh, and apparently, they’re not gay at all.

Sesame Street’s Facebook goon broke it down:

Bert and Ernie are best friends.  They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves.

Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most Sesame Street Muppets™ do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation.

Do I believe this? Hell no. I mean, maybe men can live together, have story time and occasionally cuddle and it be totally platonic. However, they sure do have the closeness many people long for. Still, people need to mind their business and more importantly, know when and where to push their agendas.

Besides, any gay person knows that some people will never come out. Especially not fictitious characters in the form of cartoons and puppets. For example, my home boy Snagglepuss, who I recently referred to on Twitter as my one and only favorite queen.

Now obviously, Snagglepuss is a little effeminate, seemingly not into kitties, and gay even! Yet, he lets you make whatever projections about his lisp that you want to because he’s too busy trying to live his life. He’s not worried if anyone can tell he can toot it and boot it better than most.

The same can be said about Pepé Le Pew probably being bisexual, Dale from the Rescue Rangers being trade, or Fred Flintstone’s boss being a secret bear. I’m not about outing people unless they’re in positions of hurting gay people — i.e. Republicans, influential preachers, and other stupid high profile figures. Otherwise, one needs to know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em. And in the case of two puppets getting symbolically married, it screams a big waste of time.

Oh, and by the way Sesame Street protesters, you should’ve contacted Big Bird. Much easier sell on gay marriage. Duh.

Lying On Lesbians

I would’ve jumped on this sooner, but I was trying to see if I could collect a check for checking him first. My efforts proved to be in vain. I can’t say that I’m surprised  considering it’s not 2002 and I don’t write for Word Up! magazine. I’d still like to touch on this albeit briefly. I know many lesbians and more importantly, I get how annoying it is for them to have to deal with men constantly trying to tell them that their love of vagina isn’t genuine. You know, because they’ve yet to formally greet their magical genetic changing penis.

Speaking of those, Omarion is a dick for this tweet. I saw a few people in my timeline try to defend his ignorance as him merely “voicing his opinion.” I encourage those suffering from Captain Obvious disorder to do humanity a favor and go find their very own S.S. Minnow and tropical storm. Of course the tweet in question is an instance of Omarion expressing his opinions. That doesn’t negate the fallacy of the opinion or the narcissistic-rooted logic behind it. If you need a treasure map drawn for you to figure out why some would take offense to what he said, God bless you and the ability to think analytically that was evidently stolen from you.

Then again, I imagine certain thinking caps would be tightened had the little musing of O’s had something to do with them personally. Whatever, even if it were “just his opinion” that pretty much paves the way for others to share theirs in response. To that end, I need someone to let this little munchkin know that he surely doesn’t do it for everyone.

I mean, he does for me…or at least one magical area of him does anyway. I may have mentioned it once, twice, way too many times on the site. I know, I know. However, I also understand that isn’t exactly the kind of attribute that would send a lesbian reeling. Neither would his ability to penetrate her. See, breeders, not every girl is into that. Why? Because she’s a damn lesbian.

Sexuality is indeed not black and white for all, but some ex-boy bander turned – uh, fashionista – needs to calm down on claims that he literally has the magic stick. One, ’cause again, what he’s saying is absolutely simple. Two, gay people have a lot to do with whatever nominal level of relevance he still has. Sure, it’s mainly gay dudes but some of that fanfare trickles over to their sympathetic lesbian friends. You would think an artist – especially one a fledgling one – would understand that he needn’t alienate any particular group.

But I suppose when the person is he quoting Jehovah one minute and his overinflated ego the next he is bound to forget the fact that even if his ass is his greatest attest he needn’t give airs that his ass literally does the tweeting for him. Then he had the nerve to ask people to respect his disrespectful opinion. I respect an individual’s freedom to blurt out the asinine, but I don’t have to be nice to you about it if you’re being offensive.

I don’t know if his publicist ran away from home or left him behind when his last record deal retreated, but Omarion did get one thing correct: He most certainly is an example — of why some thoughts need to be placed in a private journal versus a public forum.

I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but even nice people mess up sometimes. So, please, O, offer lesbians the only kind of solid you can give to satisfy them and shut your fashionably late ass up. Oh and God Bless You and stuff.

I Need Answers

1. Does Anderson Cooper give the best reads in news?

2. Can someone kindly let Timon and Simba know that they will never be Beyoncé and Jay-Z?

3. Is Kim Kardashian supposed to be America’s answer to Kate Middleton?

4. Considering she’s done a fine job of appearing crazy on her own accord, was this Michele Bachmann cover necessary?

5. How many more films about white benevolence towards colored people does the world need?

6. So basically La La’s Full Court Life is the show we all thought Basketball Wives would be?

7. Even though this is the most she’s moved since giving herself a Caesar years ago, should I still just go ahead and stop saying my novena for Britney Spears to find her rhythm?

8. Name five celebrities who ought to delete their Twitter accounts and express their most random thoughts in a Five Star binder?

9. Now that Tia and Tamera Mowry have proven yet again that nice people can have popular shows can I go back to watching Royce Reed call Evelyn Lozada a dirty hoe in peace?

10. How much longer are people going to pretend Kreayshawn isn’t anything more than just a lamer version of Snow with a period?

11. Is it really that bad that we’re getting another Rihanna album already?

12. Will there ever be a tragedy Lady GaGa won’t manage to tie herself to in the press?

13. Does Nicki Minaj mean she’s going to like rap-rap again?

14. Why do people like Fantasia act like God personally hid the condoms in order to make sure she was pregnant?

15. If Nickelodeon is going to play cartoons and live-action series from the 1990s can we get the formally music channels to follow suit?

16. Will Drake ever release a first single that doesn’t sound as if its recording was preceded by a My So Called Life marathon?

17. Can you believe there’s now a little girl out there calling Bow Wow daddy without having to be assured she’ll get to star in his next World Star Hip Hop video first (congratulations, Shad)?

18. After initially wanting him deported (regardless of his citizenship), why can I now not get enough of Roscoe Dash?

19. Who are you happier to hear less of these days: Kat Stacks or Raz-B?

20. Who wants to bring this to me, minus the chives and plus two wonderfully frozen adult beverages to boot?

Let It Flow

Those of you who follow me on Twitter (no subtly today, y’all) you may have noticed that in recent months I’ve been doing a lot more political writing. I’m pretty sure for some that invites the same level of excitement Evelyn Lozada would have rocking a chastity belt. Be that as it may, for those that are interested I wrote a piece yesterday for The Grio aimed at the ghost of Hillary Clinton’s political past. Folks are salty at Obama and want Hillary to take him out in 2012.

Ashanti’s little sister has a better chance of becoming the next Lady GaGa before such a scenario happens, but dare to dream I guess. After dismissing them, I opined on what that means about President Obama’s political reality. You can check out the piece here.

And just as a throwback, here’s an old post: Help Me, Hillary Clinton.

I actually need to bring that section back on the site. I can’t think of any people off the top of my head, but if you have suggestions feel free to share. That’s all for now. I’ll be working on another piece about Obama for another site tomorrow. I imagine some of your cousins might want to curse me out over it, but they will be alright.

Baby Bey’s

You’ll have to forgive my ignorance for not knowing that there is a show called Toddlers & Tiaras on television. I’m obviously not a member of the target audience. I realize this clip is about a week old now, but there was no way was I going to turn down doing a post about a little white girl yearning for brown skin. And not just any girl either. This adorable child wants to look like my lord and gyrator, Beyoncé!

Heavens to Murgatroyd! That is amazing. The press always belabors the point that little black girls don’t like themselves and want to look like Malibu Barbie. That’s why we get black women surgically transforming themselves into Mrs. Potato Head and reality stars rocking their homeroom teacher’s eye color (you’re too pretty for that Jennifer Williams!).

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

It’s about time we get a story claiming the opposite, giving black girls and white girls alike a different perspective. Bless this little girl’s heart. I don’t believe in reincarnation, but if I did I would say that little pageant child has been possessed by Teena Marie. Wait, that’s not how reincarnation works, huh? Well, is Remy Shand still around? If not, well…there you go. If so (damn, I checked and he is), just find somebody for me and fill it in. Thank you.

Anyway, hopefully this little girl finds her rhythm in the coming years. I’m sure if she watches enough Beyoncé DVDs she will. TLC should also do her a solid and link her with Heather Morris. The kid isn’t that bad. Hell, she’s already trying harder than Britney Spears has been lately. There’s hope for that little girl, I just know it.