If you haven’t heard by now, Gov. Rick Perry has announced his presidential bid. I long worried that this day would soon come and now that it has I have a message for each of you on behalf of every non-idiotic Texan: We’re sorry. No really, we are. When you think recent Texas’ recent contributions to the nation, we prefer you think of Beyoncé versus this idiot. Rick Perry might look like the guy political opponents use as a plant in to disassemble a Latino rights group, but trust me, he wants to screw everyone.
I’d like to think that he is too stupid to be elected president, but then I quickly remembered what country he wants to become president of. Mother Jones writers can cite his stupidity, his lunacy-inspired political beliefs, and his George Bush squared Texan accent as reasons why he is unelectable. In reality those are all pretty much good reasons to put fear into your heart that he could win. That is, should the economy continue to sour and President Obama fails to motivate people to the polls.
I actually don’t think President Obama will lose in the end, but if he did it would be to someone more like Mitt Romney. I say like Mitt Romney because Rick Perry’s addition to the race makes it harder for him to get the nod. For those unaware, Romney is a Mormon. See, Joseph Smith is one of the few names that could attract the same level of vitriol as the name Barack Obama. The God-happy on paper peons who have held the GOP by the balls for last few decades like Mormons the way Assata Shakur likes David Duke. I’m not sure it will even matter to the religious right that the pro-Christian messages Rick Perry has been espousing in political ads are reportedly the brainchild of an Atheist. That’s just how much that side cannot stand Mormons. Shoot, a lot of them barely tolerate Catholics.
If I were Rick I’d get to the point and make this my slogan to Republican primary voters: “Rick Perry: For people who hate Mormons, flip floppers, and critical thinking.”
Better cut my check.
Then again, knowing Rick Perry’s track record I’m pretty sure he might have already planned that, hence my concern. He’s going to annoy anyone paying attention for at least the next year. Should he win the Republican nomination – a very plausible scenario – it will get even worse. And dear God, if he actually became President Captain Planet, Nancy Pelosi, 90% of Los Angeles and New York, and too many people with a permanent tan might want to forge a suicide pact. Yes, it will be that bad. Worse even.
So really, before everyone damns the state of Texas for giving the world yet another bubbling idiot to fuck things up for everyone else, let me say again: I’m sorry. Oh, and since I have the floor, let me remind you all that my mama is from Louisiana and my dad is only the first generation out the swamp. I don’t care to claim anyone outside of Houston’s city limits. I’m definitely not claiming Rick Perry.