I haven’t actually seen any of those I used my birth canal before I was economically or emotionally ready to do so shows on MTV, but I do know the network that I used to worship for their music coverage makes far money on those than they do airing videos we only will watch once on YouTube. Most of you have known this, too, for quite some time. So if that is common knowledge why do we collectively feign dismay over the Video Music Awards?
I am guilty of this personally, as I wondered aloud why the cast of Jersey Shore (another show I have never watched) were the first guests for the pre-show. I know that one of them is a DJ for
the robot formally known as Britney Spears, but I suppose if she has so little to say about her own music these days why should he even bother? Then came all of these random people I’ve never heard of sounding like strep throat, moving like pharmaceutically-enhanced dick stiffness, or being all around underwhelming.
This is the new tradition of the show, though, which is why I don’t blame MTV for changing their post-VMA show twitcon to an image of Beyoncé clutching her newly confirmed baby bump. If you can’t get music right you might as well highlight a pregnancy. Especially if that’s what your network is increasingly known for anyway.
But alright y’all, I will try to recap this show as best I can because memories of it sleep as I shift my interests towards something items like getting my life together and deciding what items from the Popeye’s menu I shall order in celebrating of Beyoncé bringing new life into the world.
1. Lady Gaga needs a friend to tell her to sit her overly excited ass down somewhere sometimes.
I say this from a place of love, because honestly, I do enjoy Stefani a lot. Over the course of months, though, she’s been acting on parch levels rivaling a real life non-ring wearing rascal posing as a wife on reality TV. Really, could someone inform this woman that sometimes less truly is more? What was with her playing the role of a man for the entire night? We got it the first five awkward minutes of her confusing opening performance. In the end, Gaga looked like LaToya Jackson after Chastity Bono’s surgery doing a John Travolta tribute with the enthusiasm level of a bratty and attention starved only child. If I were Madonna, I would’ve slapped my own ass in celebration of my legacy being even more difficult to touch.
2. MTV will shamelessly bop like hell.
To not have a host, the network sure did utilize the host of BET’s last awards show in similar fashion. I’m not mad at Kevin Hart. One doesn’t turn down a check like that. And they are sister networks after all. More like wicked step-sisters, but they’re kin on paper either way. MTV doesn’t get a pass for trying to act like they put Chris Brown. Really, y’all?
3. People love when you back flip for your life.
That’s my review of Chris Brown’s performance. Yes, he can dance. He has energy levels best describe as, “What if ADD could climax?” I get it, but I actually didn’t get into this performance as much as I did some of his previous ones lately. My very part of the act was Jay-Z’s facial expressions and sips of tea. Oh, and don’t bother with the mic anymore, Chris. Just perform. It’s a total waste of prop that’s the wrong kind of distraction.
4. Adele’s big Texas hair and even bigger voice are so necessary.
I have to be honest: A few weeks before Amy Winehouse died, I actually tweeted that as much as I love Adele’s voice, whenever I try to listen to her material I end up wanting to hear Amy. Adele doesn’t always move me because I tend to like my artists a little gritter if they’re doing introspective music. Still, the girl has her moments and last night was certainly one of them. She sounded just as beautiful as she looked.
5. Britney Spears truly doesn’t give a single damn about anything anymore.
My level of love for Britney Spears depends on whether we’re talking about Britney of yesterprescription when she was trying really, really hard to show us what she learned from Janet Jackson or the Britney of now that’s like, “Uh, let’s get this bullshit over with so I can go home and eat my fish tacos and watch Bravo with the boys.” Even though much of what she’s celebrated for happened in a five year span, it was a pretty damn good couple of years. That said, I can understand why she would get the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award considering she helped keep the network and their biggest award’s show as musically relevant as possible. However, I’ve given sweet potato fries bigger tributes than what MTV gave her. To top it off, her acceptance speech for MTV’s greatest honor to an performer was used to introduce Beyoncé. It shouldn’t work like that. I love that Lady Gaga can salute Britney who in turn can salute Beyoncé, but a smoother transition wouldn’t have hurt. Then again, Britney Spears likely couldn’t wait to sit down and let Beyoncé do all of the work. Pregnant or not. Maybe MTV’s way was for the best.
6. Beyoncé is pregnant.
In the end, the 2011 Video Music Awards is about Beyoncé being pregnant and still outshining her peers no matter what’s going on with her uterus. Keri Hilson is probably busy cursing out her mirror, mirror on the wall for saying pregnancy or not Beyoncé’s the fairest of ’em all.
By the way, shout out to Adele for singing along and shimmying to “Love On Top.” And yes, the Queen, for giving me New Edition with a slight nudge to Michael Jackson.
7. Jessie J. needs to reevaluate a lot of things.
Clearly injured but very much styled after the idea of, “What if a cripple still wanted to dress like a hooker?” the other British import got her Deloris van Cartier on as she served as MTV’s official lounge singer for the evening. Granted, she did sound better singing Katy Perry’s song than Katy Perry did, but you know why Katy Perry doesn’t care? Because she could’ve had a VMA performance not interrupted by an add for a .99 cents burrito available to select drive-thru restaurants until 3:00 a.m. on weekends if she asked for it.
Jessie J., you can sing, but you better croon some curse words into the ears of your team.
8. MTV doesn’t really care about tributes anymore.
I had high expectations for the Amy Winehouse tribute. Much of that had to do with it seemingly being a no brainer. You book Adele, Jessie J., Duffy, and whatever other post-Amy British import trying to cross over and get them to cover a few of the classics. I suppose that was too much like right, which meant instead we got Bruno Mars doing “Valerie.” It’s one of Amy’s nicer songs when heard live, but not exactly the first song you really think about when recalling Amy’s catalog.
All these folks had to do was ask Adele to do double duty and perform “Tears Try On Their Own.” Adele didn’t seem into the tribute. I don’t blame her.
9. Corny kids ruled.
Katy Perry is cute, but what that blob of cheese on her head looked like a small towner from the mid-west dressing up like Lady Gaga for the church Halloween party.
Drake gave Bill Cosby a better tribute in that sweater wore while ovulating over Lil’ Wayne than MTV did to Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse.
Lil’ Kim’s exposed tit in 1999 totally rocked the carpet more than Nicki Minaj’s contraception of an outfit did last nite. You all know I love Ms. Minaj, but she, too, looked like she was trying to out Gaga Gaga. Knock it off already as in this instance, you’re acting more like her son.
10. Lil’ Wayne sounded like “Gargamel goes R&B.”
That’s all I have to say about that. Wait, that’s not true. Uh, as wrong as this sounds he’s proving himself to be more entertaining as a D.A.R.E. don’t. He should give those leggings back to Lenny Kravitz, Anthony Kiedis, or Regilyn. That and if Jay-Z ever wanted to record a diss record, Wayne give him a whole lot of material to work with. There. I’m done now.
P.S. Yes, I saw Tyler, The Creator, and his mama. No, I ain’t got nothing. Nah, really. I don’t.