Take Him, He’s Yours

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Hear ye, hear ye: I hereby decree all doubters cease and desist efforts to draft Drake into the gay community. It is a waste of time because that Canadian is into coochie. No matter how persistent you are in arguing otherwise, it won’t change the fact that the man is into women exclusively. Case in point, this video being cited as “evidence” that Aubrey is into male ass play.

I first spotted this clip on part time satirist, perpetual sensationalist Sandra Rose’s blog. Naturally, because I saw it there initially I knew not to pay it any real mind. However, I’ve since seen the video posted elsewhere and used to push a similar stance under the same flawed logic. Y’all need to quit it. Now. It’s pretty obvious that Droopy is getting his thespian on in the video. If we are to judge actors like reality stars that means Queen Latifah is more Cleo than Covergirl and Tyler Perry has some serious issues with women. Wait…do over.

I get that Drake’s hand has got those moves like Jagger Mariah, but that doesn’t really mean anything one way or the other. The same goes for his sensitivity meter teetering on Lifetime original movie levels. I will give you critics the nod over him acting like he’s always fighting the urge to nut when discussing Lil’ Wayne at length. I was confused by that at first, too. In hindsight, I realize that is just the fan boy in him. He can’t help it.

Yes, he’s eager and enthusiastically emo. By now you would think people would understand that not all men sit around clutching their nuts as if they might escape at a moments notice. Or that not every male rapper wants to theme their subject matter around musical interpretations of the mob movies they obsessed over as children. Some guys are actually in touch with their feelings and don’t mind expressing that. In Drake’s case it’s to the point where you might wonder if it counts as masturbation. Still, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to cry on any man’s hairy shoulder — even if he shaves. Plus, he comes across as very secure with himself. You know, beyond the constant feigning of agony over the celebrity status he obviously covets. I imagine he wouldn’t be doing and saying the very stuff that makes him such a walking target for you cheerleaders of hypermasculinity if he had anything to hide.

I’ll agree with anyone who thinks the Girl Scouts running out of thin mints is a far scarier thought than any threat of violence Wheelchair Jimmy spits on wax. I’ll co-sign any theories that Rihanna has probably caused Drake to sob into his pillow while watching old episodes of the original 90210. You can have those. But gay? Nope. You can’t get away with that one. Don’t try to give him to us. That would be too easy.

We wouldn’t really elevate the conversation of what a gay man can be with a person like Drake. He’s not effeminate or anything, but evidently him daring to be the rap Ralph Tresvant is enough to get people’s nonexistent “gaydars” running (seemingly on fumes and idiocy). That’s not how it works. Sadly, not even some gay people seem to know that. And straights, you shouldn’t want it to. Neither side should strive to be so damn simple. As a show of good faith, I’ll be happy to send a list of rappers you straights can send to the same sex side of life in the not too distant future. In the meantime, keep your property.

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