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I wanted to call this post “Conspiracy Cunts,” but I figured that might not be the best thing to have on my Twitter feed and Google index. I blame the Puritans. That’s still pretty much how I feel about this ridiculous story about Beyoncé faking her pregnancy all the same.

I noticed on the very night Beyoncé casually announced being with child that the headmistress of online sensationalism quickly barked that it was all a farce. That was to be expected if you’ve ever read the blog. Unfortunately, I gave other people the benefit of the doubt. I never learn, damn closet idealism.

There are people who actually believe Beyoncé is fronting about her growing fetus. And not just fronting: She’s cut her fancy pillow up into the shape of a prosthetic belly, which folds in front of foreign journalists. This video is tagged as “Best Proof Ever Beyonce is faking her pregnancy!! But Why? What u think?”

I think an insanely sad number of people are fucking morons.

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I’m only getting started, too.

Earlier today, I saw another sensationalist, Wendy Williams, chime in with her thoughts on this non story. I love Wendy, but I’m not shocked she pushed this ridiculousness. She can’t ever fully escape her radio behavior. She does so for entertainment purposes, of course. I know she knows better. The problem is many people don’t and that scares me.

More than likely, that whole dress flap thing can be attributed to fabric. Whatever it is, folks should know better and more importantly, they ought to not be so pathetically sadistic. I’ve noticed around the Web that there are a few who actually take delight in the idea that Beyoncé is barren or that she’s doing this as a gotcha to Jay-Z’s alleged “mistress.”

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Everyone has the right to be a dense simpleton who marvels in misery, but why not aim higher? A hugely famous multi-millionaire married to another super known multi-millionaire is going to rock a fake stomach. Despite being one of the most photographed human beings on Earth. I bet these same people believe the lyrics to “I Believe I Can Fly” can turn one into a flying monkey.

The world is full of failed novelists posing as bloggers and lazy journalists. To the smiles of gullible fools ready to be suckered in.

Fine, believe Beyoncé has a surrogate. Hell, believe she got Yogi Bear to nut in a cup to boot. That’s your choice. I just hope if you do believe in fabrications pushed by self-loathing storytellers that you’re pro-choice. Aww, that was mean. No meaner than trying to steal the joy of a pregnant woman, though.

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Not that you could in this case.

Edit:

Now can folks hush up already?

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