The Religious Right Is Wrong About Masturbation

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I thought I was well versed with the Christian Right’s stance on gays. We’re degenerate perverts with cooties so massive that God sends the clap back to society at large by way of devastating earthquakes, horrific hurricanes, and vengeful monsters like NeNe Leakes.

What up doe, Pat Robertson?

Also, we’re highly contagious so please stay away from us, breeders. Like if you tolerate us, you’re prone to some gay assaulting your private areas with lust in their eyes and lubricant in their back pockets the moment you least expect it. Should you watch anything in media that’s gay friendly you run the risk of literally turning into a big gay flag. Oh, and Jesus will spit in the holy water used to baptize your child if you’re in favor of gay marriage and letting them adopt children no one else wants.

I’ve heard this sort of bullshit conveyed in varying ways over the years so I just knew I had all of the basics down. However, it has come to my attention that the zealots on the far, far right have gone and upped the ante on their lunacy levels. Apparently, a straight man teeters on turning team same sex depending on how he masturbates. This new information comes courtesy of Pastor Mark Driscolll.

In a booklet entitled Porn-Again Christian: A Frank Discussion on Pornography & Masturbation for God’s Men, the Seattle-based reverend said: “First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexual activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.”

First off, Porn-Again is an awesome title to so kudos to you, sir. Anyway, so this reverend is saying if you want to stroke that dick in front of your spouse you’re in the clear with God. But, if you touch your peen without your her around you’re sort of behaving like a big ass homo. I guess it doesn’t matter if you’re masturbating to female imagery, you like boys if you like touching yourself.

I didn’t think bastardized religion could get any stupider, but I have to say, I’m impressed. Years ago when I was trying really, really hard to fight off the inevitable I would try to jack off to girls. It was my own form of reparative therapy. Sometimes I would be successful, but obviously not successful enough. What can I say? The heart dick wants what it wants. In consideration of my past efforts, I take huge offense to Pastor Mark’s accusation that masturbation makes you gay.

When men are masturbating to videos like these, does it matter if a woman is there to hound over you to make sure your dick doesn’t tilt towards some secret gay sensor orbiting the Earth? As long as you’re thinking of the K. Michelle while getting your T-Boz on aren’t you pretty much still straight? Why does this killjoy want to ruin that for men by putting these confusing thoughts into their brains? The same can be said for artists like K. Michelle who are clearly selling that ass hoping to make a way for themselves. How do you think your comments make these women feel, Pastor Driscolll? Don’t make them feel like they’re tooting in vain.

This sort of Jedi mind trick reminds me of this poster listing the Ten Commandments in my room. It came with very specific details of each commandment listed underneath. Masturbation was counted under adultery and I felt guilty as hell each time I did engaged in the activity. We’ve already crossed the TMI tightrope, but I’ll spare you any additional details on the matter. Let’s just say I had a lot of guilt.

I feel very passionate about this issue. No pun intended. Masturbation has a bad rep as is (collectively, I know it’s all the rage in music), it doesn’t need this guy further vilifying it. Since I’m a heathen I’d like to introduce a little science into the debate for anyone who might fall victim to this fucked up logic.

From the BBC:

They say cancer-causing chemicals could build up in the prostate if men do not ejaculate regularly.

And they say sexual intercourse may not have the same protective effect because of the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted infection, which could increase men’s cancer risk.

Men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.

I’ve read elsewhere that masturbation stimulates the immune system, fights off insomnia, and aids in the battle against depression. Granted, most clergymen would say that site is going to hell but well, that doesn’t cancel out legitimate points. There’s one other benefit to masturbation I have to make note of:

Clearly the act is how some people make a living. Rihanna has the easiest job in the world. All she has to do is sit on stage and masturbate. I could do that in my sleep.

360 deal notwithstanding, I assume she is in the top 1%. That makes her a job creator in the eyes of Republicans (which Driscolll more than likely is). In other words, masturbation aids capitalism and legend has it, that’s Jesus’ economic system of choice. And if you recall, I’ve written about how she caused me to have unnatural feelings towards women. You would think a gay-bashing religious guy would appreciate such a novelty.

So don’t you see, Pastor Mark, masturbation might give you a hand cramp, soil your sheets…and maybe your soul depending on your beliefs, but it doesn’t make you gay! Let those straight men play with themselves regardless of whether or not their wives are in bed with them or hiding in the bathroom playing with themselves because missionary bores the living fuck out of them. Go tell your flock to Occupy Wall Street instead of fixating on the proper way for a man to feel on himself.

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