Look everyone: The recording industry dipped Katy Perry in Hershey’s kisses and created yet another banal pop song knee deep in stereotypes guised as some sort of cutesy anthem. Can you feel my excitement seeping through this post? I can barely prevent myself from spinning around and flying into the sky and dry humping a fucking rainbow in a state of euphoria.
I don’t know Simone Battles because I don’t watch The X-Factor, but I know enough to complain. I can’t tell whether or not she can even sing since her voice has been computerized enough to make even Britney Spears wonder, “Damn, girl. Where you even there when the recorded this song?” I’ll let you actual viewers fill me in about her vocal ability later.
I do imagine Simone is probably a wonderful person. I mean, she has to be because super attractive men want to recreate scenes from Clueless with her while watching Desperate Housewives. I don’t even have that yet (although I’d prefer staring at Victor Rasuk on HBO and marveling at Julianna Margulies on CBS every Sunday). This guy even wants to do fun seemingly romantic (to her) things to like go shopping, get manicures, and talk about Lady Gaga’s Born This Way. You know, that album with the title track aggressively and transparently telling ab-happy homosexuals “don’t be a drag, just be a queen.”
But alas, as you can unfortunately see and hear love wasn’t meant to be. Fret not, though, because now Simone has a new gay best friend. What a special, special song. Almost like a sequel to
My Gay Pet “Gay Best Friend.”
My official verdict on this song is if bulimics need target practice, direct them to a physical copy of this single. Okay, that was a little mean. Let me make amends. I promise to put five dollars towards her Match account or buying a clue if she drops this song into the abyss.