Best Book I’ll Never Buy

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There’s a literary masterpiece on the way just in time for Christmas, y’all. Seemingly looking to hop on the celebrity self-help trend, Keyshia Cole’s mama is offering life advice in a new memoir.

The petite powerhouse bares her personal struggles and uses them to offer women sincere, heartfelt understanding and candid advice about sex, drugs, and overcoming adversities. “This book will inspire; it tells the story of a lady who’s been through everything from battling with drugs to resorting to prostitution and everything in between….this is her journey to turn her life around and merge into society.”

I imagine the story of how a drug addict was able to reunite with the daughter she didn’t raise and capitalize off her fame to become a reality star and stanky legg impersonator is one that will resonate with millions. And as you can tell from the cover of the book, surnames are irrelevant when you can harp the fact that you birthed Mary J. Blige’s son.

Loud as she may be, though, Frankie means well…about her hustle. Still, I wonder who actually wrote this book. Not to question Frankie’s intellect, but all she ever says is “man down,” “Code 10,” and “Holla!” That’s enough to fill a blackboard, but not so much an entire book. Then again, Evelyn Lozada’s lexicon is limited to the words “bitch” and presumably moans to honor her meal tickets yet she’s scored a lit/film deal with Cash Money Content.

A part of me wants to look on the bright side and realize that of the 30 people who purchase The Best Years I Never Had, at least 8 of them might find it life changing. The other ingredients in me can’t stop fixating on how once again another quasi-celebrity has managed to symbolically spit on the craft of writing. Can you smell my bitterness seeping through your computer monitors? Don’t worry: I’ll get over it and shake my arm over some meat before tossing it in the oven for dinner later. However, if anyone buys me this book I’ll be personally submitting their names to the terrorist watch list. Try me.

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