Your Something New Is Starting To Sound A Little Old

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Even though the show was obviously secured through her celebrity, Toni Braxton has very little to do with why I watch Braxton Family Values. Don’t get me wrong. I love me some Toni Braxton and will continue to sing off key to “How Many Ways,” “Love Shoulda Brought You Home,” and “Always” whenever the spirit calls. But as a reality personality Toni is kind of dry. She’s gotten better, though I think the root of the issue has to do with her feigning shyness on camera. As you can tell from this clip, that quality isn’t limited to just her reality show.

Bless her heart for pretending like her inner slut is some imaginary friend who suffered a tragic fate not unlike a victim on Law & Order: SVU, but I’ve seen Toni Braxton’s tits and ass on multiple occasions for at least a decade now. In fact, her fixation with cooing and coochie popping has a lot to do with why her music has suffered over the years. Who exactly is she fooling? Never mind, there’s a bigger problem found in her interview with Chelsea Handler.

I know Toni meant no harm, but why does she talk about her “snow bunny” like he’s an exotic animal she bought on the black market? I’m surprised she hasn’t caught hypothermia after the numerous references she’s made about “playing in the snow.” We get it, Ms. Braxton: You’re messing around with miscegenation. Congratulations on your something new, Toni, but can you try talking about it in a way that doesn’t make some of us wince?

“The skin feels different, that’s kind of nice. It smells different… Is that in my head? I can’t explain it.” Toni, Toni, Toni: If you can’t explain it try not saying anything until you can. You know folks are gonna come after you for it. I can’t completely fault that either. Al Sharpton would’ve scalped Kim Kardashian bald if she said this about Reggie Bush. Granted, Toni might have a point and since I’ve yet to dabble in this sort of scratch and sniff excursion (or do we get drunk Europeans following me in the club to say I was beautiful…and other inappropriateness while intoxicated?) I guess I’d have to smell it to speak it.

What I can do is suggest that Toni Braxton find another topic to talk about when doing press ’cause again, we get it, eldest Braxton. You’re dating a white guy. Super duper for you. Now let’s talk more about the show that’s helped make you hot again, some new music, or hell, go have sex with the nameless white man you keep mentioning you’re “dating.” And trust, this post hurts me more. I’m gonna go sing “Find Me A Man” and “Let It Flow” now.

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