Shake Weight with the Stars

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With the start of the 2012 only days away it’s only right that the hefty and impressionable are being bombarded by an onslaught of celebrity-backed weight loss commercials. At the very least, maybe we ought to welcome the new faces to this unstoppable trend (not that some of us haven’t made requests) considering that as far as 2011 goes, I can only remember Jennifer Hudson repeatedly howling at me about it being a brand new day.

And from the looks of all these new campaigns, they’re each seeking to appeal to some different facet of American life.

If you’re a new mom that’s dying to fit into your old jeans and halter so that your gay best friend will finally return your texts about going back to the same sex disco you can get your life to “We Found Love,” this ad featuring Mariah “Dahling” Carey is for you.

Is the fried catfish, candied yams, macaroni and cheese, roasted red potatoes, a few french fries, and peach cobbler that you washed down with red soda (there’s more coloring than actual strawberries in this product, so give black folks a break) oppressively haunting you in your dreams? If so, Janet Jackson and her whispers of healthy body image have got your back.

I didn’t know this, but apparently Nutrisystem is to weight loss programs what Karrine Steffans is to virginity. C’mon, y’all. Allow Janet to do her part to aid in the resurrection of this brand of fat be gone in peace. Perhaps it will encourage her to do the same with her music career. Yes, I’m still holding out hope for that. I want her to bring back the butterfly.

Are you tired of Jared and his Subway sandwiches? If so, chubby man, start singing “Thank You For Being A Fried” to your new buddy, Charles Barkley. Since he’s probably not going to be the next governor of Alabama, I think Sir Charles lending his name to this promotion is a smart move…and a healthy one given over the years he looks like he ate Hakeem Olajuwon. You don’t normally see men besides Subway’s side piece discussing difficulties with weight loss, so I’m glad Chuck is earning a buck for the cause. As an ex-fat boy in physique and eternal one in my psyche, I know that we can’t end belt buckle abuse if we’re silent, men.

Now if you’re into spooking the weight off, the constantly slimming Jennifer Hudson has the right spot for you. Can I be honest? This scares the hell out of me. I imagine when the advertising folks conceived this ad it sounded a lot less creepy on paper. What focus group lied to them?

And with all due respect to Effie, listening to one Jennifer Hudson scream is bad enough. We didn’t need two of them outshouting each other under the guise of trying to harmonize. I suppose she’s that loud because she needs to remind people that she’s an Academy Award and Grammy winning actress and singer versus what she’s increasingly becoming known for: That big girl who went scrawny on these hoes. Then again, maybe I’m just being harsh (it happens to the best of us). I could see how happy she was at the VH1’s Massacare of the Term Divas Celebrates Soul having her “Deena Jones” moment. Can’t we all take comfort in that?

:::thinks about those performances:::

Actually, no. She’s too damn loud. Notions of new days can be conveyed in our inside voices. You read it here first. Alright, so let’s talk, y’all. Which diet plan are you and/or your mama, sister, cousin, play Uncle, or BFF joining? I’m gonna do my part by limiting my fried fish intake and trying to go back to eating all of that healthy crap that stops me from needing a bra.

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