Touch Me, Tease Me

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I don’t know a whole lot about Taylor Lautner. I tried watching one of those Twilight movies once, but I fell asleep about 20 minutes after it kicked off. I was full with the spirit of fried fish and bored out of my mind with the few moments of blandness I saw. You understand, right?

While I don’t know much about him as an actor, I am aware of his celebrity. I recall hearing something about Taylor’s diet and how it resulted in his 97 abs or something. If I remember correctly, though, it wasn’t legal to lust after him at the time so I went about my damn business. Since then I’ve seen him in a couple of interviews and realize that he’s been touted as the next Tom Cruise. I can see that albeit not for the reasons many would state on record. You know, allegedly or whatever.

Taylor has a rather, uh, jovial spirit and that tends to get some to wonder about where he chooses to hit his daddy stroke. Or be hit with the stroke, I suppose. That said, many didn’t seem to flinch when that fake People cover featuring him coming out of the closet spread across the Web. Even Russell Simmons fell for it, taking to Twitter to say he’s “proud of Taylor Lautner for his bravery and courage.” After someone alerted him to the truth, he quickly pulled his Rush Card to note: “Let Taylor Lautner be whoever he wants to be.”

That’s curious wording if I’ve ever seen it.

Be that as it may, folks need to stop being such assholes. I’m not a fan of outing people unless the person being outed is in a position of power to do gay people wrong. Say, the Republican dick enthusiasts dissected in the HBO documentary, Outrage. Or Bishop Play Daddy, Eddie Long. Those are people using their positions of power to hurt others while they suppress their natural urges. It’s not the same as actor playing a role on camera. Their jobs are to sell fantasies anyway, for the most part.

Does that mean I think Taylor is straight? I didn’t say all that, but I do think Taylor Daniel Lautner (I just hit Wikipedia, my goodness, what a wonderful full name he has) needs a break. He is 19. I believe I was still trying to force myself to masturbate to the images of women with the same level of interests as I did men back then. Shut up: the oversharing is in proper context. Curious wording or not, Russell is on to something: Let Taylor be who wants to be, especially in his own time.

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Now, should Taylor know who he is already and would prefer not to divulge such facts at present moment he is more than welcome to contact me. I don’t mind signing a nondisclosure agreement. And he’s a burgeoning producer, optioning non fiction works for film projects. We are perfect for each other. I’m a little concerned that he was born in 1992, however considering all of the above plus that face, I have two words for him: Hey, boy.

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