If I had to surmise my thoughts about 2011 in three words, I’d go with the following: Good riddance, bitch. The year wasn’t a total wash, but I’m ready to move on all the same. But before I do it’s only right that I deliver the second edition of “Resolutions For You, Me & Them.” My first resolution is to actually keep up with this post each year versus every other, but that’s neither here or there.
As you know, there are some who like to remind the rest of us that they don’t bother with resolutions at the start of the New Year. Good for them. Email those fine folks a coupon for a cookie before you pass them the link to this post.
If you can get past my eyes – which look sort of cockeyed in this photo – focus on what I’m holding. It’s a copy of Entertainment Weekly from March 2004. It’s their issue on the 25 Funniest People in America. I saved it for inspiration. I’m not even sure whether or not they still run that feature, but if they do I eventually want to be a part of it. I agree with the idea that I might be driving myself insane in the process, but it’s not like I haven’t gotten a leg up on that feat early on in life anyway. Just let me secure my lofty list of goals so I can afford a fancy therapist…which will ultimately lead to me getting a discount because I’m so darn successful.
I should also get my life together and go on a real vacation. Oh, and I did mention video blogging more when I converted to the Mac cult. Eh.
Evelyn Lozada: Expand your vocabulary.
As a fellow fan of the words bitch and fuck I understand how difficult it is to let go of something you love. However, in the interest of your tongue that surely can’t take another year of being forced to say the same damn thing every fourth word, it’s time to sign up for word of the day, boo boo. Besides, since Evelyn is a “writer” now it’s in her best interest to expand her repertoire of insults.
Jennifer Williams: Throw away your colored contacts.
“That ain’t hot.” — Tamar Braxton
P.S. Good for you.
Usher: Remember you’re primarily an R&B artist.
Yes, Oprah Winfrey and your second grade teacher, Mrs. Anderson, love them some “OMG,” but the people who supported Usher in the past prefer songs like “There Goes My Baby,” “Mars vs. Venus,” “U Remind Me” and “U Don’t Have To Call.” I read Usher is planning to release a new album next year. I’m not that excited as I suspect he’ll continue to sing like a disco ball in Belgium raised him. This is another reason why I wish 4 was handled better: He and others would’ve followed Beyoncé’s lead and help bring back non-homogenized R&B to the mainstream.
Donald Trump: Buy duct tape and proceed to loop it around your mouth.
Why do people still listen to this man anyway? Limit his press to blabbing talking points about Celebrity Apprentice and call it a damn day.
Olivia: Find a treasure map to humility.
Olivia seems to have the unfortunate impression that hard work alone reaps benefits. How many times do you have to be told you’re boring and need to show you aren’t made of stone before it seeps in? Her arrogance doesn’t allow her to receive constructive criticism anymore. It also tends to have her treating aspiring entertainers like they’re beneath her. I read Somaya Reece – who Olivia repeatedly treats like the cleaning lady – say that instead of ordering Julius to bodyslam her, Beyoncé was nice to Somaya Reece & encouraged her. This is why your ass is singing sad songs about last “December” the same month a year later. This is why you lose, Olivia.
By the way, don’t question whether Beyoncé watches Love & Hip Hop. She’s the pregnant lady at the club. You know it to be true.
Christina Aguilera: Find a trainer, a vocal coach.
No sense in howling like a starving coyote anymore, Christina, because the moon has heard you and relayed the following message: Good morning and good night. As for the weight she’s gained, it’s not like she’s about to tip over and cause the next great quake in LA. At the same time, if you’re gonna wear tight dresses, hire a trainer or buy Spanx.
Jennifer Hudson: Learn to use your inside voices.
D’Angelo: Finally release a new album.
This time won’t you save me? This time won’t you save me? Baby, I can feel myself givin’ up.
Kim Kardashian: Date off camera.
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.
Anderson Cooper: Revise your talk show.
I adore Anderson, but there’s something odd about a man who’s never heard of waffles acting like your Average Joe who rides his bike to work, which happens to be a talk show with a really expensive set in an really fancy building. You’re Anderson Cooper: A man from wealth (nothing wrong with that) whose gone from television show host to man who climbs volcanoes in order to cover Hurricane Whatever. Act like it. I feel like the show should reflect that. He seemed way more personable co-hosting with Kelly Ripa on her show than his own. I still love you, though.
Bizarre, Drake, and like-minded obsessive people: Stop tattooing the images of celebrities on your body.
Nicki Minaj, Aaliyah’s ghost, and the mentally healthy are all afraid.
Lloyd: Stop sampling.
Notice how every so often Lloyd will come out of no where and score a huge radio hit before ultimately being forgotten about all over again? I realized much of that has to do with Lloyd essentially remaking already popular songs. That’s great for a cheap hit, but that won’t get people to care about you in the long run. C’mon nah: Don’t make it so easy for Trey Songz.
Miguel: Drop the pretension.
I am not the only one who’s noticed this trait. It’s the reason I had to unfollow him on Twitter. Sometimes you have to do that in order to remain a fan of someone. I love his voice and his debut album, but neither are enough to give homeboy a pass on that cooler than thou shit he’s sometimes on.
JoJo: Do more R&B records.
You know how good you are at singing them.
Meagan Good: A new role.
It might not be your fault, so I’ll pray with you.
Rihanna: A vacation.
I love you, but a break might do you a whole world of good. So take it, take it, baby, baby, take it, take it, love me, love me. After you finish making the full version of “Birthday Cake.”
Also: Cover “Sex Shooter.”
Rob Kardashian: Open yourself up to new experiences.
For everyday people:
Stop speaking like a fortune cookie.
I get it: You want to accentuate the positive, but you are a person, not a daily affirmation.
Stop thinking you’re a celebrity if you aren’t one.
I’m all for people rising in stature if that’s their end goal, but people confuse a scant taste of notoriety with full-fledge stardom. Those that do tend to have the attitude of Keri Hilson with the actual popularity of…Keri Hilson.
Stop confusing being mean with being funny.
The two are not now nor will they ever be mutually exclusive. To quote Dr. Leslie Rosen: “Grow from love.”
Stop sharing every single detail of your entire life on social media.
I don’t need to know when you defecate, you piece of shit.
Stop offering unsolicited relationship advice.
Stop trying to get me to like those Negro Telenovelas on TV.
It’s not happening.
I don’t mind gay men talking about women of the opposite sex in a sexual way. I mean, I’ve talked about the Shredder as if he were a real person before. Unfortunately, many of these gay men do this yet never afford that same courtesy to the gender that actually sends a tingle to their testicles. Cut that shit out ’cause everybody knows like Phaedra. This actually applies to some of my friends, but they’ll get over it. So will some of you bisexual and gay women who hide under the guise of girlish flirts. I used to spot girls like that back at Howard University. Look, I’ve even told friends that I’m still wildly curious about Rihanna, enough to the point I might even let her do a lazy pussy pop on my face. BUT I KNOW I AM GAY. Fat Joe was so on point: “I’m a fan of, ‘Yo, I’m gay.’ The fuck.” And: “Fuck it if people don’t like it.”
Remember what’s most important.
On his birthday, let’s remember the words of Pimp C: “It’s never too late to stop being a bitch.”
Happy New Year, all! Wishing everyone a great 2012. Thank you as always for reading.