The Pains of Quasi-Fame

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Immediately into Amber Rose’s single, “Fame,” I wanted to tap out. You just knew it was going to be a cheesy and schmaltzy pop ditty the second you heard the voice of the “nerd” saying he was from No Hair, Don’t Care magazine. I decided to push through because I like Amber Rose. The end result of that decision is me developing a greater appreciation for the musical stylings of Paris Hilton. Now someone must pay.

Let’s start with one of the Care Bears since it’s obvious one of them produced this. I guess I should note that Amber’s song is leaps and bounds better than Kim Kardashian’s. Don’t award her too many cool points for that, though, because most folks have belched better gems than Kim’s  “Jam.” Why does Amber sound like she forgot her No Doze the day she decided to record “Fame?” Why make mention of club and house music if your first offering is going to be so subdued? Not to bring up her past, but I was assuming that a stripper would release music a bit more lively. Then again, Trina and Eve always dance like they’re on the last few minutes of their shift at Puss and Boots on a slow day directly after the first of the month. Perhaps the newfound love of all things lackadaisical is a coping mechanism. Eh, call a therapist…and then DJ Khaled or somebody.

She won’t. Bless Amber’s heart. She doesn’t want to blow the whistle; she wants to heal the world, make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race. I find it strangely ironic that her methodology for trying to do so is making a whiny dance track about her quasi-fame. Unless you’re on Michael Jackson levels of stardom, I tend to be annoyed by woe is me narratives espoused by celebs. This is what you asked for, isn’t it? And like Michael Jackson, who used to hit up tabloid magazines that ultimately only worsened an already bad situation, Amber invites the kind of “scandal” she’s cooing about on this track. Say, calling Kim Kardashian a “homewrecker” to TMZ. Then speaking to them again to say you shouldn’t have called her a homewrecker because it was a little mean spirited. A follow up to the follow up interview has been scheduled, too.

Didn’t Kanye West put her in a visible muzzle when he was her pretend Appolonia? If she didn’t want to be in the spotlight after their breakup she’s very much capable of returning from whence she game. I’m sure Orbitz or Priceline has a sale going on. If not, ask some of Kanye’s other special friends how they fell back. Not that Amber ever would. I distinctly remember a recent interview she gave in which she used to tell people that she’d be a star. Well, you’re sort of one now so enjoy it, love — preferably with a lot more chutzpah on future recordings.

If you’ll excuse me, everyone, I have to go get up and perform “Sex Shooter.” Those ladies knew how to work minimal talent for maximum effect. Learn from them and grow from (my) love (of them), Ambi.

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