The AARP Ass Shake

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At the beginning of the week, I was in the midst of my daily ritual – the morning jig – when tragedy struck. Y’all: I didn’t drop down low and sweep the flo’ with it in proper fashion. I just dropped. Like, I did not sweep and I damn sure did not pick it up quickly. I just dropped.

If Kelly Rowland and Beyoncé were around to see that disgusting display of dancerie, Kelly would’ve shot me that same look she gave Michelle Williams after she busted her ass on 106 & Park. Beyoncé wouldn’t have noticed as she’d be too busy being Beyoncé (which means “greatness your favorite could never” in Stannesse) and rightly so.

The horror, the horror.

Yes, I’ve been under more stress than usual in recent months, and increasingly so in the last few weeks. Still, no excuses for this embarrassment. It’s my own fault for not keeping up with my regular pop, lock and drops. There were warnings.

A month ago I was covering a Grammy event that Mary J. Blige performed at. I partook in the free alcoholic beverages (thanks, Belvedere) and had a mean bop throughout Mary’s set (so much that a publicist for the event mentioned my “bumping and grinding” in the email, oy…or, hey, boy). About an hour later I busted my ass when doing a classic body roll to the floor. I laughed it off, because well…I was drunk filled with the spirit of spirits. But it was a warning.

I have some other areas in my life that require my immediate attention, though I’m going to have my twirk ready for summer. Anyone who knows me well is quite aware that I want to be able to pop and drop for as long as humanly possible. I have to get my mind and body right for that to happen.

Thankfully, I have glorious works such as the “Girl Gone Wild” video to inspire me. This is a great video. God bless the little monsters suckers who were born in 1990 and think that Madonna is copying Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro,” which copies “La Isla Bonita” in song and “Vogue” in visual. Learn something, kiddies, and don’t come back on my lawn until you do.

I have noticed some people have been too busy picking apart the MDNA promo shots to notice anything else about the project. All I have to say about that is: You’d stretch your face out as wide as the distance between LA and NYC, too, if there was nothing but a check that could rectify the situation. I am not mad at all. You look fantastic, Madonna. And even better, Madge continues to be able to lay it low and spread it wide with her choreography.

My fucking hero. 

Given my previous post about Trina Braxton creating music for a wild teen party in 1996 suburbia, I should make clear that I don’t discount that some of Madonna’s new material sounds a bit juvenile as well. I don’t know why Madge doesn’t sing in the tone that we’re used to. However, she’s definitely fighting the “I’m still cool” war better than DUI Braxton (said with more love than shade).

When I am 53, I sure hope I can climb the walls like Spiderman and cuddle with a bevy of the shirtless buff like M Dolla. Who wants to buy me a yoga mat to get me started? Oh, and help me get rich with my art. Can’t discount that. Gon’.

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