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This disturbed young man looks like a special teen version of Law & Order: SVU. Or better yet, “What if Spotify had a pervert playlist?” I don’t know who this lil’ boy is, but judging from the clip he’s rather young. How young? I think old enough for a pollster to be weary of shaking his hand, but not nearly old enough to gross out a pretty female bartender with the way he ordered his shot and all around creepy disposition. Hopefully he’s not young enough to send my ass to jail for posting the clip. I refuse to be flipped into someone’s personal Rihanna in prison over this nonsense.

That said, I’ve had one of the absolute worst days ever, so as disturbing as this video is, it managed to make me laugh for a few minutes. You know, before I prayed for the women on his friend’s list. Judging from his over 9000 likes on Facebook, KillaKarisma is some sort of entertainer.

Okay, this cannot be real, right? It just can’t. No one could be this crazy. Someone tell me this is just a crude joke and that he’s not legally allowed to roam the streets freely. Go on, do it.

Then again, KillaKarisma, nee Jalen Thomas, is also an all around fool. I’m not sure if a fool in the ‘ha-ha’ sense or the de facto ‘yo, you need to be locked up’ fashion. I saw this because he tweeted the following to Lil’ B: “YOU’RE AN INSPIRATION!”

Damn fool, 1990s baby: What’s the difference really? I kid…towards some of you anyway.

Back to this song, which is captioned with the following damn lie: “This romantic song is dedicated to all the sexy females on my friend’s list……..I didn’t even write the lyrics, this is all one take…… raw emotion.”

Nah, dude, you wrote this in between playing with your other pencil.

You’ve got to at least acknowledge his honesty, though. “If you take a picture of your booty out, Imma jack off to it.” That and: “My penis loves your body, but I know that I can’t get you in real life.” The latter sounds like a Tumblr self-love story.

You all start watching what you post on Facebook. Or not, if you’re into this sort of thing. Either way, I’m about to go listen to T-Boz’s “Touch Myself.” That’s a much classier song about masturbation. Learn, children. Learn.

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1. Who told T.I. that it would be a good idea to turn Iggy Azalea into the white Jackie-O?

2. Am I to be stoned for admitting that I kind of dig the idea of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian as a couple?

3. Although she’s designed to be Halle Berry’s sequel, isn’t Paula Patton basically just a luckier Lela Rochon?

4. If Madea were a few decades younger and way more honest, would she be Funky Dineva?

5. Anyone else revisiting this after seeing that bland trailer for the Sparkle reboot?

6. What the hell, Harpo?

7. Can we please get Regina Hall more high profile comedic roles?

8. Is Britney Spears really about to get $15 million to just sit there and try not to scare people as she struggles to form a declarative sentence on The X-Factor?

9. Doesn’t Brian McKnight sound like ‘naughty gynecologist’ in this awful ass song about quirting vaginas in need of tutorials?

10. Has anyone actually tried the new chicken wraps at Burger King?

11. Can someone inform Nicki Minaj, Roman Zolanski, Martha Zolanski, Onika Maraj, the Barbz, Ken Barbz, and whomever else residing in the fold that criticism comes with the territory so chill the fuck out already?

12. Speaking of her, whatever happened to Nicki Minaj’s bisexuality?

13. How long will the good people at Roc Nation try to convince us that Rita Ora isn’t just a Rihanna hologram?

14. Will the self-appointed respectable Negroes of the world ever let me watch my trashy reality television programming in peace?

15. Drake recently acknowledged that he has a sex tape locked away, so although we’ll never see it (no complaints either), what are the chances that it looks like a Lifetime TV movie? You know, before the tragedy happens.

16. Why won’t Eve just fess up to not liking Nicki Minaj already?

17. After Lil’ Kim announced her “Return of the Queen” tour, who else instantly thought, “OOH! I can’t wait for Beyoncé’s next tour?”

18. Considering she throws out the word faggot in anger and thinks all it takes for gay men to fall for her is a fresh weave and vintage coutour, why do some of you gay men like Marlo Hampton exactly?

19. So if I tell you I’m kind of turned on by this, must I start referring to myself as a limited Rihanna gay?

20. Can we have a moment of silent for Sheree Whitfield?

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I always worry about publicly criticizing Monica for fear that one of my nearest and dearest friends, Kim, (the one who inspired the horrific date post) will fly through a window and karate chop me to the neck in retaliation. Or potentially shoot me with one of those glocks that Monica expressed such affinity for in a past VIBE interview. Needless to say, I don’t want to press my luck but I think it needs to be said: New Life isn’t the move.

For the record, it’s not a bad album per se. It’s relatively decent and is sort of a grower. I’d say it the kind of album you clean the house to. Shout out to the neat freaks. Also, Monica sounds quite beautiful throughout the album. In fact, Mo is doing the kind of singing I’ve  longbeen calling on her to do. As in, doing more with the instrument God gave her before some pretty lady with the Cassie in her throat makes a deal with a sea witch to snatch that gift away.

And you know, there are some gems found on the record — like the song she’s performing in the clip above. I suppose my issue is that comes across rather uninspired, which makes it a step down from Still Standing.

I’m disappointed that “Anything (To Find You)” wasn’t the big hit I had hoped it to be. I love when Monica sings with that kind of attitude and over those kind of productions. Her Miss Thing style, if you will. She wasn’t kicking down a door and smacking a chick on the song, but the track carried a similar sort of attitude. All and all it was something I could give a good 90s bop to. I think that’s an important quality to have for an R&B artist considering that the 90s bop is making a come back.

But, the song didn’t do that well and Monica seemingly shifted directions. New Life is very ballad heavy, which to be fair, is kind of an audacious move on Mo’s part considering her peers are drawing soul inspirations from acid abusing dance kids in Switzerland. That said, I wish the producers would have given her stronger material to go with her daring decision.

Fine, if you don’t want to snatch scalps anymore ala my personal favorite, “Blackberry,” at least still give us something with some oomph, Mo. What happened to the girl who kicked off a song with, “I gotta nigga/Me and him we be chillin’?” Go get her. Many of the songs found on the record are a bit Betty Wright-lite, and those who know about Betty’s uh, uh, pure loving know that you can’t offer a Coke Zero esque verison of that. Go hard or send the A&R who set up this lackluster stuff home.

I’m going to stop now as the more I go on the more expletives I expect to hear on the receiver of my cell later in the day. Again, the album is alright, Rev. Monica Denise Arnold. It’s just that it’s alright at best and I think  Monica is much more capable of that. There’s a great soul and/or hip hop soul album in you (in full adulthood, that is). We know that from her debut, which was recorded when she was only a few years off the nipple.

Better luck next time?

(more…)

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Rihanna knows just what to do to stop me from calling INS and reporting her. Those of you who have followed this site at length know what a long road it took for me to get to the point where I could call myself a Rihanna fan without quickly following up with a, “Bitch, is you crazy?” But there God, I’m here, although being a fan hasn’t made me deaf, dumb, or blind.

What I believed about Rihanna then is the same that I believe now: There is a solid entertainer, deep, deep inside of her. Problem is given she’s already achieved so much by doing the bare minimum on stage already, she has no incentive to improve. Why would anyone when their lazy body roll (akin to a stripper with a cold on the last 15 mins of her daytime shift) has already cemented their spot in modern pop musical history?

That said, this video gives me hope. I was ready to give up, though Rih-Rih has upped and gotten me excited again. Do you see her in this clip, folks? Rihanna is doing actual choreography. More than just a two-step squared and a post-energy drink and Circo shot ass shake — she’s out here trying to give us a real dance routine.

Round of applause to the Illuminati dark lord some of your dumb ass cousins genuinely feels she sold her soul to.

What is bizarre to me is that for as busy as Rihanna’s schedule is, fitting time for actual rehearsal is an anomaly. Here’s to hoping such a feat becomes the norm in her professional life. I would say the same about her cutting out smoking and – ahem – other activities for the sake of her voice, but baby steps. Baby’s first steps, to be exact.

Regardless, I am so sincerely excited to see this video. I sure want Rihanna to deliver. Can you imagine? If she’s giving even decent choreo and incorporates it more into her performances it would excuse a lot of the other complaints she gets about her on stage act. You know, ’cause you can’t be sounding cool some of the time, a damn fool the other half when all you’re doing is jumping up and down on stage with one fist in the air.

Love you, girl, but you know what it is, which is why I hope you begin living up to your potential.

A few months ago I stumbled along to this glowing example of Vanessa Williams’ underrated musical genius and instantly wondered, “Why doesn’t Rihanna give me this?” They’re so similar minus the fact that ‘Nessa was obviously trained well in the arts and was more serious about performing.

Rihanna may never be this good, but she can at least be better than what she’s given before. Yeah, yeah, she has improved thus far though I always feel like we collectively grade on a curve. I’m starting a prayer circle. Come one, come all.

If Rihanna becomes a regular on stage dancer it would make it even more difficult for Ciara to book that mysterious stage she once spoke of. C’mon, Rih-Rih: Don’t let me down! I’m excited for you.

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Let me start off by saying I don’t encourage women in very close proximity to their 20-year high school reunion to be scrapping in the way of 9th grade girls mid-sugar rush on national TV. On the other hand, if you are going to be knucking and bucking, be actually ready to fight. This means you, Evelyn, because you are not the actress your coach has assured you to be.

Why are people afraid of her on this show? Why do select Twitter liars continue to pretend she’s 1980s Mike Tyson with a Puerto Rican accent? Are you all blind or have you just never been in a fight?

I ask because whenever I see Evelyn act as if she’s about to throw blows, I’m instantly convinced that a paper napkin could do more damage than she would in a legitimate fight.

Like, she hopped on that table and leaped into the arms of security as if he was about to spin her around in the air like a damn ballet dancer. This is exactly why I saw she’s using Basketball Wives to prep for a stint on Dancing with the Stars. Ballroom dancing game is way too proper, ma’am.

(more…)

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Is it a sin to say a gospel singer is sort of mean as shit on her reality show? If so, forgive me, Jesus, but one of your homegirls is a holy hothead, boots. I didn’t plan on becoming a viewer of WeTV’s Braxton Family Values fill in, Mary Mary, yet I have to acknowledge the show is more entertaining than I anticipated to be. Then again, it’s not difficult to best one’s expectations when none were present. Whatever, it’s cool all the same.

I will say one thing: The show’s theme song is stupendously lackluster.  I can’t believe the women behind so many hits for the club to the church (in some of the same clothes) set didn’t bring their typical knock to their show’s musical theme. Would what Jesus do? Bring the heat, no damnation. Say that with me, saints.

But fine, where they lack in music they make up for in personality — especially that one Mary. Not the one that’s pregnant with the short do (that she could model on a Dark and Lovely box, if the Lord shall one day desire). She’s cool, sweet even. I’m talking about that other Mary with the long, curly weave that kinda reminds me of the joint Cole from Martin’s mama used to rock (just a better grade of Indian girl). That one!

Goodness, I thought maybe it was just one episode, but whenever I catch this show I notice that long-haired Mary is a feisty one. She looks like she can curse you the fuck out in the name of the Lord…and then say she’ll pray for you. Or not, but you know what I mean, right? Say yes, please. Don’t try and play me out.

I’m noticing a pattern with her: Even if well-intentioned, she wants to be as active a mama as possible (admirable) but is unrealistic about the career she chose makes that nearly impossible on occasion (not as admirable). And when this constant conundrum is brought to her attention, she snaps a bit (all around wrong). Whew. I wonder how many prayer cloths do you have to go through to put up with that on the regular. Where’s Auntie Phaedra when you need counseling?

Don’t get me wrong now. Meaner Mary is not exactly the devil or anything. She does need to pop that snap and crackle she’s regularly giving, though. Let’s pray for her.

I will say that if nothing else, at least her behavior on the show pulls back a bit on the images of gospel singers heathens like me might unfairly cling to. I do recall gospel’s David Guetta, Kirk Franklin, admitting that he had a porn addiction to Goddess Oprah years ago, so clearly I knew that gospel singers weren’t all exactly pristine all the time.  Guess it could always be worse, huh, Tina?

Still, show a bit more love for the gig on camera, Long Haired Mary, ’cause judging from this show it’s been kind to you. I suppose I never really put much thought into it, but gospel music has probably does pay well for the right acts. They have some nice homes, look like they always eat the biggest of chickens (and if they do dark meat, it’s obviously by preference and not necessity), and keep a staple of top tier hair pieces in their closets. God is good and freaking great if you can sell some singles praising God’s name. To that end, act accordingly.

Meanwhile, heaven, I need a hug…and maybe a vocal coach and producer if you’ve got some to spare.

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Those who indulge in reality television can tell when a person gracing their screens is thirsty for attention (that is, more so than your typical fame seeking TV personality). That’s why as soon as I spotted Nia Crooks on a recent episode of Basketball Wives I knew she was parched for the spotlight – so much so that I had to have a sip of water in her honor. However, the manner in which she chose to score cheap fame has landed her in legal trouble.

As many of you saw this week (and if you don’t partake in the nonsense because your entertainment palette is of higher footing, I hear Chips Ahoy has a special prize waiting), a very lively Nia said to series regular Jennifer Williams, “Do I need to slap you in the face to wake you up?” Jen said, “I wish you would!” And – boom – she got popped.

But as I noted on Twitter“PSA: If you can’t part with the TV stand you’ll have to sell on Craigslist to cover court costs, don’t slap the saddity. They will sue.”

And so Jen has, filing a civil suit in New York against Nia on assault and battery charges.

The idea of a celebrity holding a press conference to publicize a lawsuit centered on an incident that took place while filming their reality show has understandably caused people to suck their teeth in disgust. Yet, regardless of how you feel about the way it was announced, here’s to hoping that Williams’ suit against her former assistant and ex-friend Nia Crooks instills a valuable lesson in her and other aspiring reality TV stars.

There’s constant talk about how reality TV enables people to humiliate themselves for money and celebrity, but increasingly we see people trying to net both at the expense of humiliating others.

Read more here.

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Okay, I’ll admit that it was kind of cool to see a hologram of 2Pac “perform” on stage with Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre at Coachella. No wonder the visual-effects group Digital Domain Media, the driving force behind the spectacle, won a visual effects Oscar for their work featured in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. They are undoubtedly good at what they do, but already I can tell that the novelty might be wearing thin sooner than I imagined.

Indeed, as Digital Domain’s chief creative officer, Ed Ulbrich, explained to the Wall Street Journal, “This is just the beginning. Dre has a massive vision for this.” This massive vision seems to include taking the virtual ‘Pac on the road with he and Snoop Dogg. Such a move would require many months of planning, but even if Hologram Hip-Hop doesn’t make its debut on tour later this year, there’s another group itching to bring a dead entertainer back to the stage through this virtual medium.

The surviving members of the Jackson 5 – Jermaine, Jackie, Tito and Marlon – just announced that they are regrouping to launch the Unity Tour 2012, a 27-date excursion set to kick off this June in Louisville. No offense to the guys, but a Jackson 5 tour without Michael Jackson feels like a chicken sandwich without the bird. Perhaps they, too, realize this, which is why they’re already hinting that a hologram of Michael Jackson might be on the horizon.

On the idea of bringing Michael back the way Dre and Snoop delivered 2Pac to audiences recently, Jackie Jackson told E! News, “It could have Michael—absolutely. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? As a matter of fact, we had that idea two years ago for Michael’s Cirque du Soleil show.”

Sure, you did, Jackie.

With all due respect to the guys and their pursuit of a payday, if Michael Jackson alive wasn’t planning to hit the road with them, why do so with him Who Framed Roger Rabbit? style?

Read more here.

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It’s been almost 10 years since Destiny’s Child released their last album and there’s yet to be any new girl group to come even close to matching their reign. A few of have tried. Cherish managed to score a hit song in “Do It To It,” but ultimately fizzled amid label trouble. There was also The-Dream-backed, Electrik Red, which released a fantastic debut album that only a few people heard. Rich Harrison’s Rich Girl never had the opportunity to even release their full-length project. A similar fate greeted Missez as well as a few other girl bands – leaving one to wonder if the girl group model had become passé in today’s musical climate.

From my own experience, En Vogue, TLC, SWV, Total, 702 and Xscape were each able to make their presence felt and enjoy success. And even though these acts didn’t match those artists’ success stories, others like Brownstone, Jade, Kut Klose still managed to enjoy modest hits during their brief runs. A special shout out goes to MoKenStef and Kut Klose, whose one-and-half a piece continue to get spins on my iPod.

I have fond memories, but isn’t it a shame the industry isn’t helping provide new ones? For the life of me, I can’t figure out what’s brought on this trend. Did the me-me-me focused millennial generation soil the concept of musical harmony for musical generations? Is it simply easier for labels to mooch off a 360 deal with a solo artist versus a group? Whatever the issue is, it’s a sad time for girl group enthusiasts like me.

However, there may finally be a glimmer of hope thanks to new works from both a veteran R&B trio and my latest girlie obsession.

Read more here.

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Like a pestering child who erupts in a hissy fit the moment the tables are turned, Republicans are whining about a potential problem they’re largely responsible for creating. Yes, a bevy of boo-hoos from the Grand Old Party are pouring in over the notion that President Obama and his alleged BFF – the media (dun, dun, dun) – are conspiring to use Mitt Romney’s Mormon faith against him. The first to say such was Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah), who told a crowd in Draper, Utah, “You watch, they’re going to throw the Mormon Church at him like you can’t believe it.”

Another Republican politician, Congressman Raul Labrador (R-ID), echoed Hatch’s sentiment, and went one step further to allege that the media was in cahoots with the Democrats and their “war on religion.” Labrador cited MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell as an example of this purported dastardly plan to assail Romney on faith.

The popular MSNBC host was criticized by many on the Right for denouncing Mormonism, and its founder, Joseph Smith, when he claimed the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints “was created by a guy in upstate New York in 1830 when he got caught having sex with the maid and explained to his wife that God told him to do it. Forty-eight wives later, Joseph Smith’s lifestyle was completely sanctified in the religion he invented to go with it, which Mitt Romney says he believes.”

O’Donnell certainly has the right to his opinion about Mormonism, but how common sense deficient must one be to think he was commissioned by the White House to state it?

Read more here.

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