Where Has She Been All Our Lives?

Rihanna knows just what to do to stop me from calling INS and reporting her. Those of you who have followed this site at length know what a long road it took for me to get to the point where I could call myself a Rihanna fan without quickly following up with a, “Bitch, is you crazy?” But there God, I’m here, although being a fan hasn’t made me deaf, dumb, or blind.

What I believed about Rihanna then is the same that I believe now: There is a solid entertainer, deep, deep inside of her. Problem is given she’s already achieved so much by doing the bare minimum on stage already, she has no incentive to improve. Why would anyone when their lazy body roll (akin to a stripper with a cold on the last 15 mins of her daytime shift) has already cemented their spot in modern pop musical history?

That said, this video gives me hope. I was ready to give up, though Rih-Rih has upped and gotten me excited again. Do you see her in this clip, folks? Rihanna is doing actual choreography. More than just a two-step squared and a post-energy drink and Circo shot ass shake — she’s out here trying to give us a real dance routine.

Round of applause to the Illuminati dark lord some of your dumb ass cousins genuinely feels she sold her soul to.

What is bizarre to me is that for as busy as Rihanna’s schedule is, fitting time for actual rehearsal is an anomaly. Here’s to hoping such a feat becomes the norm in her professional life. I would say the same about her cutting out smoking and – ahem – other activities for the sake of her voice, but baby steps. Baby’s first steps, to be exact.

Regardless, I am so sincerely excited to see this video. I sure want Rihanna to deliver. Can you imagine? If she’s giving even decent choreo and incorporates it more into her performances it would excuse a lot of the other complaints she gets about her on stage act. You know, ’cause you can’t be sounding cool some of the time, a damn fool the other half when all you’re doing is jumping up and down on stage with one fist in the air.

Love you, girl, but you know what it is, which is why I hope you begin living up to your potential.

A few months ago I stumbled along to this glowing example of Vanessa Williams’ underrated musical genius and instantly wondered, “Why doesn’t Rihanna give me this?” They’re so similar minus the fact that ‘Nessa was obviously trained well in the arts and was more serious about performing.

Rihanna may never be this good, but she can at least be better than what she’s given before. Yeah, yeah, she has improved thus far though I always feel like we collectively grade on a curve. I’m starting a prayer circle. Come one, come all.

If Rihanna becomes a regular on stage dancer it would make it even more difficult for Ciara to book that mysterious stage she once spoke of. C’mon, Rih-Rih: Don’t let me down! I’m excited for you.