Snap and Crackle Go Pop

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If you listen very closely, you can probably hear the sound of my heart cracking through the computer screen. This is a sad, sad occasion, y’all. I was ratchet when the term was only applied to a dance and accompanying song from Lil’ Boosie. Needless to say I was a huge fan of the Ying Yang Twinz. Was being the operative word.

I understand we’ve all got bills to pay, but what in the techno hell happened to these trap stars? The fact that they’re so shameless about their shift makes the dagger sitting in my chest slide deeper in. “Fist Pump, Jump Jump,” fam?

Seriously? You’re going to be that on the nose? Two can play that game: jump, jump, off a cliff, cliff.

I don’t understand. Well, let me rephrase: I understand the mindset behind this bullshit ass song, but  I’m not sure what narcotic was responsible for helping them cultivate it.

Listen, Kaine and D-Roc (yes, I had to Google their names), y’all are the Ying Yang Twins. People want to hear your drunk uncle with the missing teeth sounding selves talk about asses shaking like Lawry’s bottles and using your inside voices to brag about your phallus, not your fists pumping in the air with a bunch of Euro queens on the dance floors of West Hollywood.

I don’t appreciate you two ruining such wonderful memories I have of your catalog.

Say, twirking on the ground drunk to the “Wait (The Whisper Song)” in a sweaty Black homosexual lounge in the summer of 2005, the year I decided I no longer cared if I danced like a gay dude as that’s what I was. Or hanging on some rail and gyrating to “Salt Shaker” in a gay bar with bad ventilation with a lesbian fools to this day still think is my secret girlfriend. You know, inebriated and all. Then there’s reciting the lines to “Get Low” too loud at a family restaurant at an inappropriate hour on Sunday morning. That one was like four weeks ago.

See how much of a fan I am?

This wack sauce-drenched song won’t necessarily strip me of those good memories, but it does throw a bit of dirt on them. I’m so disappointed in you two. Even if you rapped about your dicks ad nauseum, I expected more class.

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