You Are Mariah Carey, Mariah Carey

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Whenever critiquing Mariah Carey, I prefer to live within her bubble of butterflies, rainbows, and imperfect angels. As far as I’m concerned “Honey” is the sweetest lullaby about oral sex ever, “Touch My Body” is a moving ditty about the dangers of not respecting the sanctity of the sex tape, and of course, the remix of “Always Be My Baby” is a national treasure — though not as great a gem as “The Roof.” I’m all about accentuating the positive when it comes to the Fairy Godmother of Popular Music, but you know, I can offer a dissenting opinion when left with no other option.

I don’t hate “Triumphant (Get ‘Em),” though I do think it speaks to how relentless Mariah is about remaining relevant. I usually find that to be an endearing quality about her, but the problem in this instance lies in both the song and the video placing her far too deep in background of her own creation.

You are Mariah Carey, Mariah Carey. How can you be the video girl and hook girl on your stuff?

Yes, per her trademark Mimi takes it there towards the end of the song and her husband, who directed the video, made sure to pan to her just enough to signify, “Hey, guys, I’m still here” but yo, if you’re going to let someone else drive you make sure the destination is worth it.

You know what this is, Wonderful Mariah? This is you giving Maybach Music the keys to your car and expecting to be taken to Pappadeaux’s only to end up at Popeye’s 15 minutes after they’ve closed. Don’t you dare let the next collaboration drop you off at Taco Bell after midnight (or hell, daylight).

I’m guessing it won’t be long before this track – for all its worth is okay – will be deemed a “buzz” single and Mariah will return with something that gives her a stronger chance to score her another big hit. Whatever that song is, hopefully it won’t be appear too thirsty to be reminiscent of The Emancipation of Mimi the way the song, the video, and the cover art all are.

Okay, I’m tired of speaking ill of Mariah Carey. Let’s just all click under the hood and sing-a-long to the “Honey” video. Feel free to get up and do that classic choreography. I’m surely about to.

It’s like honey when it washes over me
You know, sugar never, ever was so sweet
And I’m crying for you
Dying for you
I adore you

Yes, sing that gorgeously guised nastiness, Mimi!

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