Lay Down, Lohan

White people of the world, it’s time for y’all to windmill the hell out of the dip shits of your race speaking out of term. I do my part ’round here and elsewhere across the Internet. I’m tagging y’all in.

Now as someone regularly writing about this year’s election cycle I’m quite aware that some fools of the world – say, a Rush Limbaugh here or your garden variety birther there – are too old and too stubborn to see the light and allow it to shine into their thick skulls. Fine. Let their malnourished brain cells die and go to dimwitted hell for all I care.

However, you still have an opportunity to save the minds of young celebrities like Lindsay Lohan. When I read this tweet of her complaining about the punishment she received for her lengthy run of screw ups as opposed to allegations surrounding fellow fuck up Amanda Bynes, I started singing, “I say somebody want they wig split, they wig split.”

That’s not Chris Brown, that’s Mia X and Fiend. 

So let ‘em have it.

I used to think some people were being a bit too hard on her. She is a symptom of white privilege, not the cause. She can’t help it if her low melanin levels coupled with her celebrity kept her from hugging the jail cell the crimes she committed called for.

And you know what? I enjoyed her in Mean Girls. Her pop song wasn’t horrible either. You can call me a modest fan.

Yeah, forget all that right about now.

The nerve of her to actually complain about someone else getting preferential treatment? Evidently it’s not just Mitt Romney who wants to grab national headlines for living in the land of delusion.

Lindsay Lohan has long proven herself to be a white version of Felicia from Friday, so I’m really not up for entertaining whining about how someone else deserves punishment. This is a woman who has been charged several times for various crimes and violated her probation on numerous occasions. Worse, after all that Lindsay reportedly almost went back to jail from theft after previously facing similar charges. She only got off because the dude she yanked jewelry from (allegedly) had a crush on her.

I let that little tweet to President Obama asking for famous rich people tax cuts slide, but this…no.

She is blithely unaware of the privilege she yields. Wait, she isn’t. She follows the “When in doubt, blame the Blacks” mantra — at least in 2007 and a month ago.

Like, Lindsay, good day. Wait, no. Have a horrible, no good, very bad day. You earned it.

I am getting so sick and tired of hearing privileged people try to vilify others while being ignorant about their realities.

Get her, my white brethren.

Book Lindsay a trip to Springfield, set her in front of Montgomery Burns and let him pop the switch that sends her through his trap door. Stat. Once y’all find her, sit her down and give her double dose of reality. At least she’d have a useful high for a change.

Oh, and maybe remind her that Amanda Bynes has only been charged for crimes. She has yet to face a lengthy trial and subsequent plea/conviction, no? Impatient ass generation.

Can’t even wait for a judge to rule before crying out onto the world, “WHY AIN’T SHE MY JAIL PEN PAL YET? HUH? HUH? HUH?”

Gon’ somewhere.

I Need Answers

1. Why would I want Iyanla Vanzant to fix my life when Oprah had to fix hers twice?

2. As understandable as it is for Drake to want to wear clothes that show off his new, fitter body, can Drake give Samantha Jones the top to her pajamas set back and try again?

3. Which one of the gods’ genitals do I have to gnaw on to get this trend of rappers jumping on every single R&B single to stop already?

4. If we can’t agree on what Chris Brown’s latest tattoo is, can we shoot for an accord that most of Chris Brown’s tattoos look terrible?

5. Years ago, DMX used to stop random people on the street and ask them to join him in group prayer. After watching this clip, isn’t it time for him to go back to that?

6. So when are Toni and Tamar Braxton releasing “Dingaling of Gold” to iTunes?

7. Can someone tell Cee-Lo to cut this shit out already?

8. Don’t we need Dawn Richard’s solo career to become a bigger deal already?

9. Fuck wrong with Chuck Norris, yo?

10. So basically Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are the over sharers the gossip world wanted Beyoncé and Jay-Z to be, right?

11. Admit it, you already miss Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta, don’t you?

12. Is Ginuwine being cut a check for this?

13. Who knew Britney Spears was a shade samurai? (LOVE YOU, BRITNEY!)

14. Has 2 Chainz reinvigorated your over 35 daddy, uncle, cousin’s dreams of a rap career?

15. Does Amerie look at Jheno Aiko and wonder, “Can we, can we go, can we go back to where love is?”

16. Rick Santorum recently said about being a [social] conservative:

“We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”

East Coast, where you at? Can he get a hand clap? West coast, where you at? Can he get a hand clap?

“Making love and images of your kids start popping up in your mind cause you love being in there so much…..”

17. Explain to me why Tyrese is about to be a two-time New York Times bestselling author again?

18. Even if I agree, why does it matter if most Americans think President Obama would give Mitt Romney the fade?

19. Isn’t it wonderful to see NFL players advocate my right to marry Matt Kemp?

20. While I enjoy Big Sean, who else hears him say “B-I-G” on a record and think:

?

Ciara, Can You Shake The Habit?

Monitor, monitor, in my face, is there any other singer more pressed about getting out of last place?

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Missing Michelle’s Point

Michelle Obama offered what may ultimately be considered the finest speech ever delivered by a First Lady last nite at the Democratic National Convention. Unfortunately, an alarming number of people appeared to miss much of what made it all so special because they were so engulfed in one of those “me, me, me” moments that blinded them from what was actually being said in favor of the recurring storyline playing in their heads. I joked about it yesterday on the Twitter, but heavens to Murgatroyd heterosexual Negroes of America, not everything is about you, your dating life, and your search for a Barack or Michelle to match your Michelle or Barack.

Speaking of that fantasy, if you watched Michelle’s speech yesterday and immediately though to revisit the same argument always brought up in some Black romantic comedy, you are nothing like Barack Hussein Obama or Michelle “Do you see these arms? Do you see this hair flowing? Get into this ensemble, dear!” Obama.

Not a single thing. Let’s make that clear. Like, the only thing you have in common with them is you, too, use soap and water to clean your body. Obviously, not the same brand, though.

I don’t have anything against breeders. My mother is a breeder, most of my friends are breeders, and the overall majority of you fine readers are breeders. However, there is something so strange to me about straight Black folks who never miss an opportunity to talk about why they’re single, what men and women do and don’t do, blah, blah, blah. This must be why the Washington Post and the New York Times along with Tyrese won’t leave y’all alone.

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No, Nicki, No

Nicki Minaj seemed to have anticipated the fervency that would follow the release of her verse on Lil’ Wayne’s rehash of “Mercy” off his new Dedication 4 mixtape.

Speaking with MTV News in August, Minaj told the site, “That’s gon’ be real funny.” before adding, “I’m really excited for the kids to hear it.” We’ve now heard it and what has unanimously stood out was the following line, “I’m a Republican voting for Mitt Romney, you lazy b*tches are fucking up the economy.”

Already there’s been a back and forth as to what if anything the quip means. On social media, I noticed that Captain Obvious and his merry band of snarky pedants went above and beyond to remind us that hip-hop is full of metaphor and hyperbole and not everything should be taken so literally. As in, Nicki Minaj isn’t really a monster nor does she have a British gay man named Roman living inside her; therefore, she might not cast a vote for Mitt Romney. That is, if she even can.

Thank you, (mostly White) people. What ever would we do without your helpful ‘duh’ moments of the day?

Not to be outdone, there was also a wave of critiques that essentially boil down to, “I don’t care what Nicki Minaj says.” Do you get it? They don’t care about it so you shouldn’t either.

Thanks for that guidance as well. Can y’all tell me what I should eat tonight, too?

We are all entitled to our opinions, but it’s worth remembering that it’s not always about you, the individual, and that sometimes, what one might feel is a trivial matter still has some bearing on the collective. That said, as much of a fan I am of Nicki Minaj and her trademark stunt queen-like antics for attention, I find her now infamous line problematic all the same.

She essentially rhymed a long-held conservative viewpoint in a way that simplifies a complex issue that most of her fan base won’t understand.

I don’t share the view of Village Voice writer Andy Hutchins who argues that “assuming that Nicki’s fanbase is, by and large, too stupid to realize that a) their hero is in a much different economic and social situation than they are and b) she’s probably kidding is patronizing bullsh*t with sexist and racist (because ‘Barbz’ are fixed in the popular imagination as young, mostly Black girls) overtones.”

Yeah, “we are the world, we are the children,” but if you think I’m a “sexist” and “racist” to think teenagers are easily influenced, you’re riding a PC train that needs to be derailed.

Read the rest here.

Love, Hip Hop and Sanctimony

I admire Mona Scott-Young for having the decency to appear before various people and respond to their delusional and occasionally dim points-of-view about her product. I appreciate her even more for doing so with a sense of perspective in the face of such piety. And yelling, all over her as she’s speaking.

I’ve written a lot about reality TV over the years, trying to defuse this myth that no positive images of Black people in the genre exist, that the shows ought to be protested, and this shortsighted idea that reality programming is damning the race and that I ought to feel guilty for indulging in it.

If there’s anything worse that I hate than sanctimony, it’s hypocrisy or a false sense of superiority. It only took a few weeks of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta before I saw works tied around the theme, “Those kind of Negroes don’t represent all of Atlanta.” Hey, hey, dippity doo damn duh.

If you don’t like the show, you’re within your right to say so but with such haughtiness? Obviously, Atlanta isn’t solely as seen on VH1 though most understood that Friends and Sex and the City weren’t depicting New York City as a whole either.  As Mona makes clear, it’s a show highlighting a specific segment of the population. She’s right to say that they have every right to be on TV as anyone else does. It’s about balance, not offering a pristine view of a community as a whole that only exists imaginatively.

Meanwhile, if we’re to advocate using our brains, how about we use them to deduce that maybe, just maybe shows like Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta aren’t so much the culprit behind a bevy of problems so much as they are a reflection of them and what happens when they go unsettled for some time?

Which is why I laugh at warnings such as:

It’s worth considering that maybe some disturbing trends in the black community (such as our divorce rates and higher rates of domestic violence, sexual assault, intimate partner homicide and HIV infection) will decrease when we stop tolerating or embracing harmful shows like L&HHA and Basketball Wives that promote relational aggression, sexism, infidelity and verbal, emotional and physical abuse as the norm. Black women: if we can’t stop them from producing these shows, we should consider rejecting such vehicles of our own oppression and the cable networks that deliver them.

Yes, because we all know The Cosby Show ended the crack epidemic of the 1980s and early 1990s, brought forth racial harmony, and sent family planning soaring in the Black community. If you honestly believe that ending Love & Hip Hop: Wherever and Basketball Wives: All Over will cure Black people of all its problems, I question whether you have that great an understanding of the problems we face to begin with.

Or better yet, why can’t I enjoy mindless entertainment the way everyone else can? According to the posted interview, I should be more concerned about the imagery of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta and what it’s conveying to white people. I am so exhausted by that talking point.

I hate everyone equally, but I couldn’t give any less fuck about what any white person would think of me based on some shit they saw on VH1. The President and First Lady of the United States are both Black and idiots continue to think the absolute worst of them. Idiots who won’t even be qualified to wipe their asses once they are old, at their grayest and on soup restrictive diets. Taking “negative” reality shows off air won’t change that reality. Racism remains far too ingrained in the American psyche.

The white people who know better, or even simply know enough, understand that not everyone person of color they meet is a closet Steebie J or K. Michelle.

This show is a soap opera, and contrary to what you pseudo positivity peddlers say to pander to your audiences, not everything in life has to mirror some bullshit themes you can find in any cookie cutter Mariah Carey ballad from the early 1990s.

That. Is. Not. Real. Life.

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I Just Can’t Stop Loving You

Does Azealia Banks have some ridiculous and unnecessary name to describe her fans yet? If so, put me in that category. “1991” is my favorite song from her EP of the same name and combined with “Liquorice,” is what won me over to her side.

I adore everything about the song, and now, video. It reminds me of all the things I love: New York, the bop, and the gay. And I love the homage to Crystal Waters. From the back to the middle and around the end. I noticed she’s sent a few of her fans in Waters’ direction after introducing her. Not all different from me and some new interest in house music. Yeah. And thank you.

Out of habit, I develop a special kind of affinity for an artist that can give me a bit of peace. This includes folks who offer that via an uptempo. I can’t do My Life all the time. So naturally, I’m probably going to love Azealia Banks forever and ever now.

Soon, I plan to be dancing around to this somewhere in the city. Preferably full of the spirits. Washed down with something absolutely terrible for me. Well, depending on how you look at it.

You know, kind of like I do in my room. Or the gym. Or a parking lot. Dancing the way Madonna did in that nightclub scene in Truth or Dare. During the performance of “Vogue.” Uh huh, just like that.

Also, do you see this, Lauren? I can be gay when I want to be. Take that. As for y’all, fall in love. Or not…just don’t tell me about it.