If Only You Were As Good As Think You Are

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I wish I could lie to myself as convincingly as Christina Aguilera does. When I feel like my career is stagnated, I sit down in frustration and go upside my own head repeatedly trying to figure out what exactly I need to do in order to evolve and advance. I try to do that humbly, but as Christina Aguilera has shown me, there’s always another way. Just listen to her.

Bionic was ahead of its time…”

Most people would say Bionic was behind the curve, relying on already existing trends in most cases and not executing more interesting ideas well in others. For example, when X-Tina dropped Back to Basics, she talked so much about being inspired by a particular decade, though if you listen to the album itself it hopped around the 1920s, 1940s and 1950s with sprinkles of 60s and 90s era East Coast rap. It was a mess in dying need of editing. Then came Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black, which was essentially how Aguilera’s album should’ve sounded.

I don’t know what Bionic was supposed to be and no matter what she says, I don’t think Christina did either, not that she’ll ever admit it.

“Music people get my records..”

Oh okay, girl.

“It’s apparent that I’m a risk taker..”

It’s always a risk to release music not very good. I’ll give her one thing: “Sex For Breakfast” was fantastic and I enjoyed “Monday Morning.” They’re not remotely similar in theme, but hey, the future doesn’t need cohesion.

Here’s another treat to her ego: She is a certified daredevil when it comes to lack of editing. Her highness drops pop albums the way Cash Money releases…everything.

“I’m a powerhouse vocalist…”

If only she knew what to do what those vocals.

I actually like Christina Aguilera’s hoetastic new single, “Your Body,” but no one is as big a fan of Christina Aguilera as Christina Aguilera is. You would think she’s been on an endless winning streak the way she carries on. One of my favorite critics gave her the compliment of being the first artist to judge a TV talent show and not be on a decline. Christina obviously took the praise and made it seem as if she’s served as an inspiration to those women who have since signed on for these overproduced talent shows.

However, Christina signed up for that show after Bionic tanked and her tour had to be cancelled due to poor sales. Christina needs to make change and pay that compliment to Nicki Minaj, who it genuinely applies to. Meanwhile, X-Tina in all her condescending glory, has noticeably taken shots at The Voice’s competition while bigging up her own musical chair-themed hit.

And that’s by and large why I’m not the fan I used to be. Ma’am, as great a singer as you used to be, all too often do you go out of your way to kiss your own ass while throwing it in the face of your contemporaries. That probably explains the situation you’re in. She used to be touted as some new Mariah, now she’s practically Caucasian Ciara.

As for her trademark shade samurai skillet, remember how Christina used to take shots at Pink, Britney Spears, and Beyoncé? These days Pink sales more albums than her, Britney’s maintained her relevance (and stage bookings) far better than her fellow Mouseketeer has, and the Queen’s vocal ability has managed to show the kind of growth and versatility that was expected of Lady Marmalade. To quote X-Tina: Ha.

And since I mentioned ladies:

Funny how time flies when you’re having fun surpassing the person who bit from you in a video, and when deflecting accusations of playing copycat, insinuated that you were a man. So what if Gaga just reportedly yacked up something nasty while on tour? At least she could book the stage.

On second thought, maybe deluding yourself out of despair isn’t the move.

Good look with the album, though, Christina. If it’s good and I ignore your interviews, I’ll buy it. The same way I did with your good releases.

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