The Exit Is To Your Left, Thurston

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Mitt Romney might not have written a concession speech, but I was asked over the weekend to write pieces in advance of either outcome. Unlike some people, I do whatever a given gig compels me to do. Fortunately, my “What if Mitt Romney won?” essay won’t ever see the light of day because he caught the electoral fade I long anticipated him to do.

That means you get the other one, so here goes:

Thank you, America, for not pissing off the dark and discernible with your penchant for poor decision making.

I’m sure it’s been super fun for the pundits earning their keep by pretending that Mitt Romney might’ve successfully taken his ineptness all the way to the White House, but this glorified reality show has concluded. Romney hasn’t enjoyed a significant lead in any national or swing state poll for any time of note, but we’ve been subjected to countless spin that the race was unpredictable. A close election never negated the reality that the electorate continuously tilted Obama’s way, though, so pundits, it’s time to kiss Nate Silver’s ring.

The former Massachusetts governor’s quest for the White House is officially over, and thank goodness, because the idea of a President Romney always seemed unfathomable.

After all, there’s a reason it took so long for Romney to become the Republican presidential nominee: he’s a terrible politician. This is the same person, who despite having the money, machine, and six straight years of actively pursuing the presidency still almost lost the nomination to the likes of conspiracy spewing crackpot Donald Trump, the goofiest pizza man alive Herman Cain, crazy eyes and even crazier policies Michele Bachmann, Jurassic racist and sometime inaccurate historianNewt Gingrich, and missionary sex should be mandated legally lunatic Rick Santorum.

Romney’s netting the Republican presidential nominee owes more credit to means than skill or appeal.

And when Romney got the nomination, he picked Paul Ryan, the guy Republicans like to portray as a great intellect if for no other reason than he can articulate their plutocratic policies in public without rubbing his hands together and doing an evil chuckle as if he moved forward with his plan to bring Gotham City to its knees.

You can read the rest at NewsOne.

You can also check out my piece, “Good Riddance, Mitt,” over at

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